"Dolly Parton has her own theme park in Tennessee?! I thought it was made up!"
"My dad was just introduced to Venmo and it's the worst thing ever. He just requested $50 for '2001 tee ball registration fee.'"
"Hey, I've been turned into a cow. Can I go home?"
Caroline Calloway's Instagram drama, Kristin Cavallari's awkward 9/11 tribute, and more.
The app store really DOES have everything!
"You look great! You know, for...40."
You're about to have an unwanted guest.
"People who work at General Pants have the same energy as cult members trying to recruit you."
On the plus side, they all serve alcohol.
"Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and It Chapter Two fighting to see which is the most unnecessarily long movie of 2019."
Nobody is safe from getting these jokes!
"Identifying more with Squidward than SpongeBob."
This is a long one, like...at least three rolls of parchment.
Warning: Reading this may cause you to die from secondhand embarrassment.
"Bury me with a hair tie on my wrist just in case."
"This morning my son asked me if I lied a lot and that's why my nose is so big, but yeah I cherish every moment of parenthood."
Teacher: "I've never been there before!" Student: "Why? Are you poor?"
I'll be keeping the Barbz in my prayers this week.
Will Netflix ever let Noah Centineo sleep?
"They both ran away from my car like freed hostages. Feel the love."
"First day of school," you tweet, as you roll over in bed and skip your first class.
Coworker: "Can you cover my shift tomorrow?" You: "Uh..."
"Writing is 10% typing and 90% staring at your computer trying to find a better way to describe someone eating a piece of toast."
*immediately enrolls in OLD SCHOOL UNIVERSITY, majoring in RESPECT*
"That was sexy. That was sexual."
Stop pulling the laundry basket around on a leash!
Even if it was just a chuckle, I actually laughed at each of these.
Co-worker: "Hey, you said you're fluent in Spanish, right? Can you translate for me?"
"Let's get away on a Roman holiday!"
If there's a horse girl in there, we're going to find it. 🐴
I honestly don't know what's going on.
There's some bad juju ahead.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like, "Well, this ain't good."