We all love a good dirty joke, but sometimes it's not the right time or place. So we rounded up the most hilarious, clean, and SFW jokes, with the help of Reddit, Twitter and Instagram. Scroll for some good, clean laughs!
1. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared for......the reaper cushions!
2. Why was the timid running back not a success?He was always just shy of a down.
3. If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand......you don’t.
4. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
5. I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house...He refused.
6. I found out I'm color blind, and my mom has been hiding it from me all these years. But this time, I caught her blue-handed.
7. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure."
8. No matter how much you push the envelope...it will always be stationery.
9. I seem to be developing an irrational fear of German sausages. I fear the würst.
10. Why did the stoplight turn red? Because it was embarrassed to be changing in the middle of the street!
11. Why do the French like to eat snails so much? They can't stand fast food.
12. A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He's alright though, it was a soft drink.
13. Have you guys heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? They say he just needs a little more space.
14. Why is it a bad idea to tell a burrito a secret? They might spill the beans!
15. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Towed.
16. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. She told me to stop going to those places.
17. "Boop" —Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
18. I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
19. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
20. My friend is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time he wants.
21. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So that when they return to port, then can Scandinavian.
22. What do you call a dog who can do magic? A Labracadabrador.
23. Why can't you tell puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally.
24. Why was the broom late? It overswept.
25. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
26. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
27. Do you know what a plateau is? It's the highest form of flattery!
28.
What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
29. Where does a TV controller go on vacation? To a remote island.
30. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it was "R," but it's the "C" they love!
31. Why was Cinderella a bad football player? She had a pumpkin for a coach!
32.
cop: have you been drinking me: no cop: can you blow into this me: is... that soup? cop: it's too hot
33. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
34. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
35. What do you call someone running in front of a car? Tired. What do you call someone running behind a car? Exhausted.
36.
[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?
37. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday — the rest are weak days!
38. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.
39.
Boss: We've just found out that one of you is a sloth Jim: oh no Jo: oh no Karl: oh no Boss: obviously we will need to Me: oh no
40. How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button!
41. I googled "Rorschach test." But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
42. Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine's Day to dance? The meat ball.
43.
Me: What's your favorite book? Date: War and Peace Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
44. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can't jump.
45. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
46. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're usually 90 degrees.
47. What do you call octopuses that look exactly the same? I-tenticle!
48. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
49. Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.
50. Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop!
51. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
52.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider
53. A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?" The lawyer says, "$5,000 for three questions." The man asks, "Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" And the lawyer says, "Yes. Now, what's your third question?"
54. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!
55. I took part in the suntanning Olympics. But I only got bronze.
56. What did the frustrated cat say? "Are you kitten me right meow?"
57. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
58. Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.
59. Murphy's law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Cole's law is thinly sliced cabbage.
60.
*air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant."
61. What's a cheerleader's favorite cereal? Cheerios!
62. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
63. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
64. I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
65. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!
66. I told my friend not to get too excited about turning 32, since her birthday party would be so short. "Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
67. What is a snake's favorite school subject? Hisssstory!
68.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor] BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
69. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
70. What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken!
71.
HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ
72. Not only is my new thesaurus terrible...but it's also terrible.
73. What do you call a story about a broken pencil? Pointless!
74.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth me: no judge: [covers mic] what do I do
75. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
76.
DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a
77. Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling.
78. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie. Clooney says, "I'll direct." DiCaprio says, "I'll act." McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
79. Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please." Librarian responds, "Sir, you know you're in a library, right?" Guy says, "Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
80. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
81. Knock knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you!
82.
*First day as a waiter* Me: how would u like your steak? Person: well done Me: thank you that's so kind it's my first day & i'm very nervous
83.
Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Mother: Why didn't you use a coaster???
84.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…
85. Knock, knock! Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
86.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww. ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma'am.
87. Why aren't koalas actual bears? Because they don't meet the koalafications.
88. There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Boy, it's hot in here." The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN."
89. Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
90. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
91. How did the french fry propose to the hamburger? He gave her an onion ring!
92. Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
93. What do you tell Simba when he's walking too slow? Mufasa!
94. What do you call someone who’s afraid of Santa Clause? Claustrophobic.
95. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it...
96. Where does the president keep his armies? In his sleevies.
97. Can February March? No, but April May.
98. If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have? Really, really big hands.
99. What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.
100. What did one eye say to the other eye? Don't look now, but something between us smells.
101. Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says, "Hey, did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!" The other cow replies, "Good thing I'm a helicopter."
102. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
103.
I told my son, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It’s pasture bedtime!”👀
104. What does a nut say when it sneezes? Cashew!
105. Why do spiders make such great baseball players? Because they catch flies!
106. The doctor's chart said my blood was type-A, but that was a type-O.
107. What do you do if you see a fireman? Put it out, man.
108. A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the meat?" The bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat, you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss, you must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
109. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.
110. 6:30 is hands down the best time of day.
111. What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans. And if those are dirty, they just wear a paranormal trousers.
112. What do we want? Low-flying airplanes! When do we want them? NeeeeeOOOooowwwww!
113. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.
This article contains content from Ben Smith, Jamie Jones, Andy Golder, and Mike Spohr. It was compiled by Kelly Rissman.