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    Just 103 Nice, Clean, And Wholesome Jokes

    The kids will love them.

    1. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?

    Yellow toy duck with red lips


    barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

    Twitter: @shutupmikeginn

    3. Why was the broom late?

    Short broom/brush

    4. What do you call a bear with no teeth?

    Multicolored bummy bears


    What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea

    Twitter: @InternetHippo

    6. What's a pirate's favorite letter?

    Skull and crossbones pirate symbol


    cop: have you been drinking me: no cop: can you blow into this me: is... that soup? cop: it's too hot

    Twitter: @CornOnTheGoblin

    8. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

    Someone holding a pencil above a notebook


    [while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

    Twitter: @murrman5

    10. What are the strongest days of the week?

    Monthly calendar

    11. What do you call a pig that does karate?


    Boss: We've just found out that one of you is a sloth Jim: oh no Jo: oh no Karl: oh no Boss: obviously we will need to Me: oh no

    Twitter: @ArfMeasures

    13. How does a dog stop a video?

    Dog with its paw raised

    14. I googled "Rorschach test."

    Illustration of a big, blobby circle

    15. Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine's Day to dance?


    Me: What's your favorite book? Date: War and Peace Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

    Twitter: @AdamBroud

    17. What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

    Close-up of a frog

    18. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

    Kangaroo in the wild

    19. What kind of shorts do clouds wear?


    Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

    Twitter: @neonwario

    21. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.

    Illustration of a 90-degree angle

    22. What do you call octopuses that look exactly the same?

    23. What's the best thing about Switzerland?

    Swiss flag flying outside a building


    Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…

    Twitter: @bewgtweets


    A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.

    Twitter: @HelloJessicaFox

    26. Why is it a bad idea to tell a burrito a secret?

    A burrito with rice and beans falling out on a cutting board

    27. Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password.

    Beef stroganoff on a plate

    28. Where does a sheep go to get a haircut?

    29. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

    Two monkeys in a tree


    1st date: I love the spiderman movies Me: So do I [thinking of something to say to impress her] Me: I used to be a spider

    Twitter: @onion_an

    31. A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?"

    A person in a business suit writing something on a piece of paper

    32. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?

    33. What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises!

    A Ryanair plane taking off

    34. I took part in the suntanning Olympics...

    Crossed legs of a person lying on their stomach by the water with sun shining on it

    35. What did the frustrated cat say?

    Angry-looking hissing cat looking at something behind it

    36. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

    Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals

    37. Why did the Jedi cross the road?

    "Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side" with face of a Jedi

    38. Murphy's law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

    Up-close coleslaw with cabbage, carrots and parsely


    *air horn sound* *second air horn sound* Me: "This isn't deodorant."

    Twitter: @stephenjmolloy

    40. What's a cheerleader's favorite cereal?

    Cheerleaders on the field

    41. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

    A friendly-looking dog with its tongue out

    42. Why Is Six afraid of Seven?

    Numbered keys on a machine

    43. I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

    Woman in front of a tree and looking up while resting her hand on her face

    44. Why do bees have sticky hair?

    45. I told my friend not to get too excited about turning 32, since her birthday party would be so short.

    A birthday cake with lit candles

    46. What is a snake's favorite school subject?


    BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor] BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

    Twitter: @AbbieEvansXO

    48. How does NASA organize a party?

    A planet in space

    49. What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?


    HIM: I have a chocolate lab. ME (awestruck whisper): ᵂᶦˡˡʸ ᵂᵒⁿᵏᵃ

    Twitter: @eff_yeah_steph

    51. Not only is my new thesaurus terrible...

    Old book covers

    52. What do you call a story about a broken pencil?


    judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth me: no judge: [covers mic] what do I do

    Twitter: @_elvishpresley_

    54. What do you call a fake noodle?

    A plate of plain spaghetti


    DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

    Twitter: @SirEviscerate

    56. Why did the pie go to the dentist?

    A pie with a lattice top on a plate

    57. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

    Close-up of Matthew wearing sunglasses

    58. Lunch at the library.

    Young people at a library


    Class mate: why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? Me: There was no chemistry.

    Twitter: @Oye440

    60. The best joke you can tell your kids.

    Young girl looking up at a woman and smiling


    Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.

    Twitter: @AndOneAndy


    *First day as a waiter* Me: how would u like your steak? Person: well done Me: thank you that's so kind it's my first day & i'm very nervous

    Twitter: @zeytoony


    Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Mother: Why didn't you use a coaster???

    Twitter: @countcol


    Pro tip: Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster, alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take it home.

    Twitter: @BurrowDweller73

    65. Knock, knock! Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who?

    A smiling older woman about to open a door


    "Boop" - Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

    Twitter: @uptowndogfunk



    Twitter: @Doughbvy


    Why aren't koalas actual bears? Because they don't meet the koalafications.

    Twitter: @Dadsaysjokes

    69. Muffins in the oven.

    Two muffins on a plate next to a mug


    Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

    Twitter: @nelsonhands20

    71. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

    Hippo swimming

    72. How did the french fry propose to the hamburger?

    A huge cheeseburger and fries


    Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw Curtains!😂

    Twitter: @_Agbeloba

    74. What do you tell Simba when he's walking too slow?

    A male lion on top of a mountain looking down


    Nick’s Santa joke: What do you call someone who’s afraid of Santa Clause? Claustrophobic #JoBroHoHoHoliday

    Twitter: @DailyNickJonas


    How do you make a tissue dance? 💃🏽 Put a little boogie in it... 🤧 #HappyMonday

    Twitter: @KimeeBe

    77. Where does the president keep his armies?

    President Joe Biden putting a medal around an older military man's neck


    What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones

    Twitter: @lleqebomettanoc


    Twitter: @bronisthegoat6

    80. If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?

    Close-up of apples


    What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.

    Twitter: @Happykvng1


    What do you call an illegally parked frog? Towed...

    Twitter: @ThePunnyWorld

    83. What did one eye say to the other eye?

    Close-up of a baby


    What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!

    Twitter: @tiigicininasob

    85. Why do seagulls fly over the sea?


    I told my son, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..." "It’s pasture bedtime!”👀

    Twitter: @ShoebMolvi


    Have you guys heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? They say he just needs a little more space.

    Twitter: @IncorrigibleML

    88. A horse walks into a bar...

    Close-up of a horse's face


    I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

    Twitter: @Lcars24

    90. What does a nut say when it sneezes?


    @troublexjodie A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He’s alright though, it was a soft drink.

    Twitter: @NewHopeBlake

    92. Why do spiders make such great baseball players?


    Why do the French like to eat snails so much? They can’t stand fast food.

    Twitter: @CanadianMuna

    94. The doctor's chart said my blood was type-A, but that was a type-O.

    type a blood cartoon

    95. What do you do if you see a fireman?

    96. A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the meat?" The bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat, you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss, you must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

    97. Why did the stoplight turn red?

    98. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?

    99. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

    100. 6:30 is hands down the best time of day.

    101. What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

    a ghost

    102. What do we want? Low-flying airplanes! When do we want them? NeeeeeOOOooowwwww!

    an airplane

    103. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?

    a pirate holding a torch

    This article contains content from Ben Smith, Jamie Jones, Andy Golder, and Mike Spohr. It was compiled by Kelly Rissman.