126 Clean Jokes That Are Nice And Wholesome

    The kids will love them.

    We all love a good dirty joke, but sometimes it's not the right time or place. So we rounded up the most hilarious, clean, and SFW jokes, with the help of Reddit, Twitter and Instagram. Scroll for some good, clean laughs!

    1. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

    2. A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."


    3. A man is washing his car with his son when the boy goes, "Dad, can't we use a sponge?"


    4. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.


    5. My grandmother's last words before she kicked the bucket were, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

    6. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof. He disappears without a tres.


    7. Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.

    8. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.


    9. The temptation to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away.


    10. What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.

    11. Two satellites decide to get married. It wasn't much of a wedding, but boy was that reception amazing!


    12. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


    13. Why couldn't the pony sing? Because it was a little hoarse.

    14. Why does Norway put bar codes on all of its ships? So they can Scandinavian.


    15. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time consuming.


    16. What did the buffalo dad say to his son as he left? Bison.

    17. An old woman fell in a well. She didn't see that well.


    18. What should you do if you see a spaceman? You should park, man.


    19. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks. The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" And they respond: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."

    20. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.


    21. I saw a man stealing groceries the other day whilst on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.


    22. How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

    23. Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."


    24. What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.


    25. Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.

    26. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.


    27. A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of people waiting to get refreshments. He asks the bartender, "Is this really the punch line?"


    28. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.

    29. What is orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.


    30. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions!


    31. Why was the timid running back not a success? He was always just shy of a down.


    32. If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand... you don’t.


    33. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

    34. I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house. He refused.


    35. I found out I'm color blind, and my mom has been hiding it from me all these years. But this time, I caught her blue-handed.


    36. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure."

    Close-up of a horse's face

    37. No matter how much you push the envelope... it will always be stationery.


    38. I seem to be developing an irrational fear of German sausages. I fear the würst.


    39. Why did the stoplight turn red? Because it was embarrassed to be changing in the middle of the street!

    40. Why do the French like to eat snails so much? They can't stand fast food.


    41. A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He's alright though, it was a soft drink.

    42. Have you guys heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? They say he just needs a little more space.


    43. Why is it a bad idea to tell a burrito a secret? They might spill the beans!

    A burrito with rice and beans falling out on a cutting board

    44. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Towed.


    45. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. She told me to stop going to those places.

    Frustrated doctor holding her head

    46. "Boop" —Zebra walking past a self service checkout.


    47. I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home, all the signs were there.


    48. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."

    Yellow toy duck with red lips

    49. My friend is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time he wants.


    50. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So that when they return to port, then can Scandinavian.

    51. What do you call a dog who can do magic? A Labracadabrador.


    52. Why can't you tell puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally.


    53. Why was the broom late? It overswept.

    Short broom/brush

    54. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.


    55. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

    Multicolored bummy bears

    56. Do you know what a plateau is? It's the highest form of flattery!


    57. Where does a TV controller go on vacation? To a remote island.


    58. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it was "R," but it's the "C" they love!

    Skull and crossbones pirate symbol

    59. Why was Cinderella a bad football player? She had a pumpkin for a coach!


    60. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.


    61. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

    Someone holding a pencil above a notebook

    62. What do you call someone running in front of a car? Tired. What do you call someone running behind a car? Exhausted.


    63. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday — the rest are weak days!

    Monthly calendar

    64. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.

    65. How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button!

    Dog with its paw raised

    66. I googled "Rorschach test." But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

    Illustration of a big, blobby circle

    67. Where do hamburgers take their sweethearts on Valentine's Day to dance? The meat ball.

    68. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can't jump.

    Kangaroo in the wild

    69. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear.


    70. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're usually 90 degrees.

    Illustration of a 90-degree angle

    71. What do you call octopuses that look exactly the same? I-tenticle!

    72. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

    Swiss flag flying outside a building

    73. Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.

    Beef stroganoff on a plate

    74. Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop!


    75. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

    Two monkeys in a tree

    76. A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?" The lawyer says, "$5,000 for three questions." The man asks, "Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" And the lawyer says, "Yes. Now, what's your third question?"

    A person in a business suit writing something on a piece of paper

    77. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired!


    78. I took part in the suntanning Olympics. But I only got bronze.

    Crossed legs of a person lying on their stomach by the water with sun shining on it

    79. What did the frustrated cat say? "Are you kitten me right meow?"

    Angry-looking hissing cat looking at something behind it

    80. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

    Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals

    81. Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.

    82. Murphy's law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Cole's law is thinly sliced cabbage.

    Up-close coleslaw with cabbage, carrots and parsely

    83. What's a cheerleader's favorite cereal? Cheerios!

    Cheerleaders on the field

    84. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

    A friendly-looking dog with its tongue out

    85. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!

    Numbered keys on a machine

    86. I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

    Woman in front of a tree and looking up while resting her hand on her face

    87. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs!


    88. I told my friend not to get too excited about turning 32, since her birthday party would be so short. "Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."

    A birthday cake with lit candles

    89. What is a snake's favorite school subject? Hisssstory!


    90. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

    A planet in space

    91. What do you call a hen who counts her eggs? A mathemachicken!


    92. Not only is my new thesaurus terrible...but it's also terrible.

    Old book covers

    93. What do you call a story about a broken pencil? Pointless!


    94. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

    A plate of plain spaghetti

    95. Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling.

    A pie with a lattice top on a plate

    96. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie. Clooney says, "I'll direct." DiCaprio says, "I'll act." McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

    Close-up of Matthew wearing sunglasses

    97. Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please." Librarian responds, "Sir, you know you're in a library, right?" Guy says, "Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."

    Young people at a library

    98. Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.


    99. Knock knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you!

    Young girl looking up at a woman and smiling

    100. Knock, knock! Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!

    A smiling older woman about to open a door

    101. Why aren't koalas actual bears? Because they don't meet the koalafications.


    102. There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Boy, it's hot in here." The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN."

    Two muffins on a plate next to a mug

    103. Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.


    104. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

    Hippo swimming

    105. How did the french fry propose to the hamburger? He gave her an onion ring!

    A huge cheeseburger and fries

    106. Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!


    107. What do you tell Simba when he's walking too slow? Mufasa!

    A male lion on top of a mountain looking down

    108. What do you call someone who’s afraid of Santa Clause? Claustrophobic.


    109. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it...


    110. Where does the president keep his armies? In his sleevies.

    President Joe Biden putting a medal around an older military man's neck

    111. Can February March? No, but April May.


    112. If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have? Really, really big hands.

    Close-up of apples

    113. What do you call a musician with problems? A trebled man.


    114. What did one eye say to the other eye? Don't look now, but something between us smells.

    Close-up of a baby

    115. Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says, "Hey, did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!" The other cow replies, "Good thing I'm a helicopter."


    116. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!


    117. What does a nut say when it sneezes? Cashew!


    118. Why do spiders make such great baseball players? Because they catch flies!


    119. The doctor's chart said my blood was type-A, but that was a type-O.

    type a blood cartoon

    120. What do you do if you see a fireman? Put it out, man.

    121. A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the meat?" The bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat, you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss, you must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

    122. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.

    123. 6:30 is hands down the best time of day.

    124. What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans. And if those are dirty, they just wear a paranormal trousers.

    a ghost

    125. What do we want? Low-flying airplanes! When do we want them? NeeeeeOOOooowwwww!

    an airplane

    126. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.

    a pirate holding a torch

    This article contains content from Ben Smith, Jamie Jones, Andy Golder, and Mike Spohr. It was compiled by Kelly Rissman.