We all love a good dirty joke, but sometimes it's not the right time or place. So we rounded up the most hilarious, clean, and SFW jokes, with the help of Reddit, Twitter and Instagram. Scroll for some good, clean laughs!
1. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
2. A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
3. A man is washing his car with his son when the boy goes, "Dad, can't we use a sponge?"
5. My grandmother's last words before she kicked the bucket were, "Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
6. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says, "uno, dos..." and poof. He disappears without a tres.
7. Why can't dinosaurs clap? Because they're dead.
8. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.
9. The temptation to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away.
10. What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
11. Two satellites decide to get married. It wasn't much of a wedding, but boy was that reception amazing!
12. What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
13. Why couldn't the pony sing? Because it was a little hoarse.
16. What did the buffalo dad say to his son as he left? Bison.
19. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks. The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" And they respond: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
20. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
21. I saw a man stealing groceries the other day whilst on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He got charged with shoplifting on two counts.
22. How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
23. Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."
24. What's green, fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.
25. Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
27. A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of people waiting to get refreshments. He asks the bartender, "Is this really the punch line?"
28. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
30. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions!
32. If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand... you don’t.
33. What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.
35. I found out I'm color blind, and my mom has been hiding it from me all these years. But this time, I caught her blue-handed.
36. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure."
39. Why did the stoplight turn red? Because it was embarrassed to be changing in the middle of the street!
41. A man got hit hard in the head with a can of 7Up. He's alright though, it was a soft drink.
42. Have you guys heard about the claustrophobic astronaut? They say he just needs a little more space.
43. Why is it a bad idea to tell a burrito a secret? They might spill the beans!
45. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. She told me to stop going to those places.
47. I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
48. What did the duck say when it bought lipstick? "Put it on my bill."
49. My friend is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time he wants.
50. Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them? So that when they return to port, then can Scandinavian.
52. Why can't you tell puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally.
53. Why was the broom late? It overswept.
55. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
58. What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it was "R," but it's the "C" they love!
61. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
62. What do you call someone running in front of a car? Tired. What do you call someone running behind a car? Exhausted.
63. What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday — the rest are weak days!
64. What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop.
65. How does a dog stop a video? By hitting the paws button!
66. I googled "Rorschach test." But all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.
68. Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! The Empire State Building can't jump.
70. If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while. They're usually 90 degrees.
71. What do you call octopuses that look exactly the same? I-tenticle!
72. What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
73. Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password. It's not stroganoff.
75. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
76. A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?" The lawyer says, "$5,000 for three questions." The man asks, "Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" And the lawyer says, "Yes. Now, what's your third question?"
78. I took part in the suntanning Olympics. But I only got bronze.
79. What did the frustrated cat say? "Are you kitten me right meow?"
80. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
81. Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side.
82. Murphy's law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Cole's law is thinly sliced cabbage.
83. What's a cheerleader's favorite cereal? Cheerios!
84. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
85. Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!
86. I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
88. I told my friend not to get too excited about turning 32, since her birthday party would be so short. "Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
90. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
92. Not only is my new thesaurus terrible...but it's also terrible.
94. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
95. Why did the pie go to the dentist? It needed a filling.
97. Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please." Librarian responds, "Sir, you know you're in a library, right?" Guy says, "Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I'll have a cheeseburger and fries, please."
99. Knock knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you!
100. Knock, knock! Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
102. There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Boy, it's hot in here." The other muffin says, "OH MY GOD, A TALKING MUFFIN."
103. Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
104. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
105. How did the french fry propose to the hamburger? He gave her an onion ring!
107. What do you tell Simba when he's walking too slow? Mufasa!
110. Where does the president keep his armies? In his sleevies.
112. If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have? Really, really big hands.
114. What did one eye say to the other eye? Don't look now, but something between us smells.
115. Two cows are standing in a field. One cow says, "Hey, did you hear about that outbreak of mad cow disease? It makes cows go completely insane!" The other cow replies, "Good thing I'm a helicopter."
116. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
119. The doctor's chart said my blood was type-A, but that was a type-O.
120. What do you do if you see a fireman? Put it out, man.
121. A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the meat?" The bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat, you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss, you must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
122. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.
123. 6:30 is hands down the best time of day.
124. What kind of pants do ghosts wear? Boo jeans. And if those are dirty, they just wear a paranormal trousers.
125. What do we want? Low-flying airplanes! When do we want them? NeeeeeOOOooowwwww!
126. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they spend years at C.
This article contains content from Ben Smith, Jamie Jones, Andy Golder, and Mike Spohr. It was compiled by Kelly Rissman.