"For better or for weird as hell."
I can't believe I went this far in life without knowing Ashton Kutcher has a twin brother.
Is your baby's name on the list?
Nothing but top-shelf elf.
Teachers Are Sharing The Most Embarrassing Reasons They've Had To Call Kids' Parents And Wow, Just Wow
"I had to call a kid's parents after he pulled his pants down and proceeded to poop on the snow-covered playground!"
"I was 27 when my son was born four years ago. I'm 42 now."
We aspire to their level of genius.
How many of these attractions have you zip-a-dee-done?
15 People Share The Time Someone Objected At A Wedding They Attended, And There Are No Words For This Cringe
"She yelled, 'I object! The man's dick is too small to satisfy!'"
"Probably the worst thing to mention when you are in a fight with your wife is the video game you have paused in the other room."
The only thing worse than having homework is having kids with homework.
New bedtime routine: Wrapping hair with toilet paper.
"Kids aren't getting worse...but parents definitely are."
There are some things only parents have done.
Dads will be dads.
Spoiler: WHATEVER THE HECK THEY WANT.
This Teacher Documents All The Funny Things Kids Say When Their Parents Aren't Around And It's Too Pure
"Sometimes when I get mad, I go to my room and whisper bad words."
"Be kind to the people you meet...you never know who’s raising a teenager."
"Don't watch porn in public places, no matter how critically acclaimed said porn is."
Literally no one: ................. Husbands: "I'm pooping out of my mind."
"It's very important that you don't tell anyone at school."
"I stole some mail which had someone's credit card number on it...and used it to buy a coffin."
But every Disney Parks fan is a kid at heart, no matter their age.
They make no apologies for their sneakiness.
This is some expert-level momming right here.
Alicia Keys Said She Feels Frustrated By Labels After Her Son Told Her He Didn't Want To Wear His Rainbow Manicure
"There is masculine and there is feminine energies inside of us all, period."
The kids are gonna be alright.
"What to think instead of how to think."
"I was awakened by a bald man crouching in the corner, mumbling about 'killing them all.'"
"Halloween is the best because it's the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else."
"My toddler won't wear a shoe with a tiny grain of sand in it, but he can walk around all day with a turd in his pants."
It's time you found out.
Don't worry, I met the driver beforehand!
I have some serious questions for these husbands.
Be afraid, be very afraid.
"The time I asked one guy if he knew who Paul McCartney was, and he asked me if that's Jesse McCartney's dad."
"When my 10-year-old asks for something and I just give a huge sigh, she says, 'Yay!' because she knows she's already won."
"Unsolicited parenting advice? Yes, please!"
I have some questions for these kids.
Babysitters Are Sharing The Secrets They Found Out About The Parents They Work For, And Y'all Are Not Ready
"The 7-year-old said, 'Don't open that drawer! Mommy said it has bags of sugar in it!"
They are going places you've never, ever been.
"I had a folder in my desk with a hair from every kid in the class on an individual piece of tape with their name just in case cloning technology was ever invented."
Bonus: Some of these spots are 100% FREE.
"A couple days I’ve cried from missing him."
They mean well...I think.
I'm looking at you, nipple hair.
Motherhood is going just about as good as expected.
They think they know, but they have no idea.
"My dad's car broke down and he had to hitchhike. My mom picked him up."
"My nipples are so angry."