There's no question about it — parenthood is full of ups, downs, and hysterical inbetweens.
So it's a good thing we have the seriously — and brutally —funny parents on Twitter to sum it up in all its hilarity:
1.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
2.
I’m just a mom, standing in my kid’s room, asking why there are fruit snacks on the ceiling
3.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
4.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
5.
4yo: You can’t say stupid! Me: We don’t call people stupid, but I can say it to this chair. 4yo: Can I say dammit to the chair?
6.
6yo couldn’t remember the word “tomorrow” so she called it “nexterday” so that’s the word now.
7.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
8.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
9.
I cleaned out my teen's room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
10.
i asked my 4 year old if she had fun at her birthday party and she was like “no. I like alone time.” same girl
11.
Me: *gets out my "world's best dad" mug* 9-year-old: Dad? Me: Yeah? 9: Did you steal that?
12.
Give a toddler a tissue, and they wipe their nose once. Teach a toddler to get their own tissue, and they’ll pull out enough tissues to last them a lifetime.
13.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
14.
parenting is begging your child to get into the bath because they don’t want to just to beg them to get out of it because they love it too much
15.
My husband: What the–– My 7yo: You almost said "fuck"
16.
Me: I'm struggling with some demons today Wife: I thought I told you to stop calling our kids that
17.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
18.
My kid: HEY MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM Me: What?! My kid: Look what I can do.
19.
The hubs just took screen time away from our kids then said he was gonna go mow. Like hell, mf’er. I’m mowing now.
20.
Walking into a store and Girl Scouts are out front selling cookies. My son says “don’t make eye contact with them” and just like that I have a new life coach.
21.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
22.
Me: So, does your toy owl have a name? My 6-year-old: It's OWLBERT (laughs) get it? Me: That's PUNNY (laughs) 6: (Serious face) I think I want to play on my own now
23.
Somewhere between “like” and “literally” lies a story that my daughter is telling.
24.
I don’t usually like pretend play but today my 5yo had me pretend to be a baby and all I had to do was lie on the couch and cry and not to brag but I played the shit out of that.
25.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but if your 4yo goes walking by the room lugging a step stool nothing good is about to happen.
26.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store? Me: Ham? Yes
27.
12 y/o daughter learned Power Point and offered to help me make one for court with bunnies in the background but I told her it probably needed to be more serious than that. 12: OK, I can put top hats on the bunnies.
28.
Parenting is thinking your kid is reading quietly in his room and then hearing him use packing tape.
29.
I’m having kids close in age I said. They’ll play so nicely together I said.
30.
Me: I don't intend to die young. 9-year-old: You can't. You're already 36.
31.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
32.
The people at the doctor's office just tried to reassure me that my son isn't the worst kid they've ever seen by telling me a story about the time a kid yanked a banner down from the ceiling. What they didn't realize was it was a story about my kid.
33.
Parenting is like a circus. Sometimes you’re the ringmaster. Most of the time you’re the clown.
34.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
35.
Everyday I pick my kid up from school he announces “I didn’t bite anybody!” and you know what? I’m pretty proud I didn’t bite anybody either
36.
Kid: *sobbing* it just seems like bedtime is EVERY DAY Me:
37.
Next time you're tempted to ask a mom where her baby's socks are, consider that she might be wondering the same thing.
38.
Me: you need to get dressed for school 5: I JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE
39.
My wife opened the fridge door and said “why is there a Lego box in here?” The answer is kids. It’s always kids.
40.
Today my 5 year-old asked me which solar system Planet Fitness was in, and I had to leave the room.
41.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, "you took a lot of pictures of this baby..."
42.
Why can’t my kids just watch bugs bunny and not a YouTuber that screams into a microphone?
43.
“I’m going to read this book to you again,” my 5 year old threatened.
44.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?! - a parenting memoir
45.
My 7-year-old asked if I could get him something so he could send a letter the old-fashioned way. Paper? An envelope? A stamp?? No, dear reader, he wanted his own email address.
46.
my 7yo asked how many days left until he can quit school, then asked what job involves the least effort at the most pay he’s gonna be living with me until he’s 42, isn’t he
47.
8yo is learning her Roman numerals this week. Dad is also learning his Roman numerals this week.
48.
parents of toddlers: what’s up with the fucking rocks OH MY GOD 😫
49.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning. Me: What was it testing? 11: My patience.
50.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme