30 Hilarious Moms And Dads Who Tweeted Their Way Through Another Looooooong Week Of Parenthood
"My daughter wrote a song called 'FFF (Fake Friends Forever)' and I don’t know if I should produce it or put her in therapy." —@itssherifield
Sometimes it feels like you're stuck watching the same five episodes of children's TV over and over, which is why I wholeheartedly support innovation in children's television:
[around the sesame street board table]
— Storv (@StorvLovesYou) June 15, 2023
it’s time we built a bigger bird
And make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
told my daughter that I couldn't remember the name of another dad and she said "just call him big dog, dads like that" in case any of you big dogs are looking for a life coach
— 🌜🤷♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 14, 2023
2.
I love how you can make a toddler’s day by gifting them with a grocery store receipt and telling them it’s theirs and they can keep it forever
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 15, 2023
3.
Nothing makes my child become obsessed with a sport faster than me committing time and money for them to play a completely different sport
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 14, 2023
4.
me: a dozen is 12, but a baker’s dozen is 13.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 13, 2023
my 8yo: that makes sense because there’s a kid at my school named Baker who’s bad at counting.
5.
what if babies were born exactly as drunk as their parents were when they conceived them and then just stayed that way
— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) June 14, 2023
6.
Science can’t explain it but when I had one kid, I could never get anything done but now that I have two kids, if I only have one of them at a time, I can literally do anything.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 14, 2023
7.
My kid drew a duck riding a spaceship. pic.twitter.com/swFRLyReSV
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 12, 2023
8.
Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of the school spelling bee because “if you lose you get a piece of candy, but if you win you just get a boring medal”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 14, 2023
9.
3: When I grow up I want a baby in my belly.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 14, 2023
Me: You’d be such a good mommy. Can I help you with your baby?
3: No. It’s MY baby and I will take care of it. Not you.
Me: **but can I get this in writing**
10.
"i just need a day of rest today"
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 15, 2023
-my 8 yo on his 2,920th day of doing jackshit
11.
You might think the important childhood milestones are walking and talking, but they're actually things like "can be left alone for 5 minutes," "can fetch their own snack," and "can puke in a receptacle instead of all over their bed."
— Annie Way (@Anniewritess) June 14, 2023
12.
my 8yo’s older cousin: I got an F in math
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 15, 2023
my 8yo: you should ask your teacher why she gave you a letter for a subject that’s all about numbers
13.
I made my kids rhubarb bread and served it to them with fresh farm eggs and blueberries and you would have thought I was serving them a punch to the face
— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) June 15, 2023
14.
I took a corner too hard and my daughter’s drink spilled and I heard her angry little voice muttering in the back seat “papa’s right you drive too fast”
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 13, 2023
15.
3-year-old just said "help, the dog sneezed on me!" and I looked and she had covered herself in vaseline. I'm so mad, this is such a mess but it's such a good bit.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 9, 2023
16.
My kids were scared of flies so I told them we have a pet fly named Bub (who is every fly). It was only a matter of time before my 6yo found an almost-dead-but-not-quite-dead fly & declared that she tamed Bub & now I don’t know how to get my child to stop cradling a dying fly... pic.twitter.com/lpW3eOOveL
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 13, 2023
17.
the woke left wants your kids to breathe clean air & drink clean water. they want your grandkids to see a real live fish. can you believe it. disgusting
— COSMIC SLOP (@afrocosmist) June 8, 2023
18.
We let my 5-year-old try a root beer, and after he took a big gulp, he yelled, “Oh my gosh, I can feel myself turning into a man!”
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 12, 2023
19.
My daughter wrote a song called fff (fake friends forever) and I don’t know if I should produce it or put her in therapy.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 15, 2023
20.
My son is getting more creative with reasons why he’s late for school as it gets closer to the end of the year. For example, today he couldn’t get up on time as his “balls hurt.”
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) June 13, 2023
21.
Dads will buy a Roomba to save an hour to vaccum and then spend two hours staring at Roomba vaccum
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 13, 2023
22.
This little boy got in my car with the kids and I assumed it was one of their friends. I asked his name and introduced myself. He gets out of the car and my kids say “I don’t know that boy. I guess he just wanted a ride”. 💀💀💀
— Princess (@themultiplemom) June 14, 2023
23.
My daughter just told me “second grade is such total drama, everybody is breaking up with everybody and crushing on everybody and fighting with everybody and there’s so much crying and friends, I’m really gonna miss it”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 11, 2023
24.
As a Los Angeles babysitter I have seen children’s birthday parties that would make Bernie Sanders kill himself
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 14, 2023
25.
yesterday kiddo woke up from his nap crying, then fell asleep on me while we rocked on his chair. when he woke up again he said "count the mommies," first pointed to the corner in the dark, said "one!" and then at me and said "two!" so that's been on my mind a bit
— taryn (@peepsaregood) June 15, 2023
26.
I know, I’ll just let my kid watch TV this morning and that way I’ll have time to get some work done! annnnd nope I’ve spent 27 minutes trying to find the episode of Peppa Pig where George won’t eat his carrots.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 15, 2023
27.
Sorry, stay at home moms and dads, but parenting is NOT a job. You can get fired from a job, and despite my egregious daily parenting fails, I haven't even managed to get suspended for the afternoon.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 12, 2023
28.
“Why would I pee into the toilet when there’s a perfectly good floor and wall right next to it?”
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) June 12, 2023
- My sons, probably
29.
My favorite part of the school year is when the school supplies I had to frantically buy at the beginning of the year, come home unused at the end of the year
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 16, 2023
30.
Cleaning my bathroom this afternoon while both kids nap (!!) and am relieved to find there are no boxes of classified national security documents in the shower. Whew! Whomst among us though am I right
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 13, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by parents last week:
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...or the funniest tweets by parents in May!
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