30 Hilarious Moms And Dads Who Tweeted Their Way Through Another Looooooong Week Of Parenthood

    "My daughter wrote a song called 'FFF (Fake Friends Forever)' and I don’t know if I should produce it or put her in therapy." —@itssherifield

    Sometimes it feels like you're stuck watching the same five episodes of children's TV over and over, which is why I wholeheartedly support innovation in children's television:

    [around the sesame street board table]

    it’s time we built a bigger bird

    — Storv (@StorvLovesYou) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @StorvLovesYou

    And make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!

    1.

    told my daughter that I couldn't remember the name of another dad and she said "just call him big dog, dads like that" in case any of you big dogs are looking for a life coach

    — 🌜🤷‍♂️Dad Moon Rising 🤷‍♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @raoulvilla

    2.

    I love how you can make a toddler’s day by gifting them with a grocery store receipt and telling them it’s theirs and they can keep it forever

    — Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @reallifemommy3

    3.

    Nothing makes my child become obsessed with a sport faster than me committing time and money for them to play a completely different sport

    — DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @StruggleDisplay

    4.

    me: a dozen is 12, but a baker’s dozen is 13.

    my 8yo: that makes sense because there’s a kid at my school named Baker who’s bad at counting.

    — Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 13, 2023
    Twitter: @daddygofish

    5.

    what if babies were born exactly as drunk as their parents were when they conceived them and then just stayed that way

    — Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @MelvinofYork

    6.

    Science can’t explain it but when I had one kid, I could never get anything done but now that I have two kids, if I only have one of them at a time, I can literally do anything.

    — Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @clhubes

    7.

    My kid drew a duck riding a spaceship. pic.twitter.com/swFRLyReSV

    — I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 12, 2023
    Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids

    8.

    Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of the school spelling bee because “if you lose you get a piece of candy, but if you win you just get a boring medal”

    — Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @ambernoelle

    9.

    3: When I grow up I want a baby in my belly.

    Me: You’d be such a good mommy. Can I help you with your baby?

    3: No. It’s MY baby and I will take care of it. Not you.

    Me: **but can I get this in writing**

    — The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @TheMomHack

    10.

    "i just need a day of rest today"

    -my 8 yo on his 2,920th day of doing jackshit

    — Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @dadmann_walking

    11.

    You might think the important childhood milestones are walking and talking, but they're actually things like "can be left alone for 5 minutes," "can fetch their own snack," and "can puke in a receptacle instead of all over their bed."

    — Annie Way (@Anniewritess) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @Anniewritess

    12.

    my 8yo’s older cousin: I got an F in math

    my 8yo: you should ask your teacher why she gave you a letter for a subject that’s all about numbers

    — Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @daddygofish

    13.

    I made my kids rhubarb bread and served it to them with fresh farm eggs and blueberries and you would have thought I was serving them a punch to the face

    — Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @lyzl

    14.

    I took a corner too hard and my daughter’s drink spilled and I heard her angry little voice muttering in the back seat “papa’s right you drive too fast”

    — Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 13, 2023
    Twitter: @KatieDeal99

    15.

    3-year-old just said "help, the dog sneezed on me!" and I looked and she had covered herself in vaseline. I'm so mad, this is such a mess but it's such a good bit.

    — Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 9, 2023
    Twitter: @missmulrooney

    16.

    My kids were scared of flies so I told them we have a pet fly named Bub (who is every fly). It was only a matter of time before my 6yo found an almost-dead-but-not-quite-dead fly & declared that she tamed Bub & now I don’t know how to get my child to stop cradling a dying fly... pic.twitter.com/lpW3eOOveL

    — Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 13, 2023
    Twitter: @LizerReal

    17.

    the woke left wants your kids to breathe clean air & drink clean water. they want your grandkids to see a real live fish. can you believe it. disgusting

    — COSMIC SLOP (@afrocosmist) June 8, 2023
    Twitter: @afrocosmist

    18.

    We let my 5-year-old try a root beer, and after he took a big gulp, he yelled, “Oh my gosh, I can feel myself turning into a man!”

    — Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 12, 2023
    Twitter: @Tobi_Is_Fab

    19.

    My daughter wrote a song called fff (fake friends forever) and I don’t know if I should produce it or put her in therapy.

    — @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @itssherifield

    20.

    My son is getting more creative with reasons why he’s late for school as it gets closer to the end of the year. For example, today he couldn’t get up on time as his “balls hurt.”

    — Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) June 13, 2023
    Twitter: @mom_needsalife

    21.

    Dads will buy a Roomba to save an hour to vaccum and then spend two hours staring at Roomba vaccum

    — Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 13, 2023
    Twitter: @Chhapiness

    22.

    This little boy got in my car with the kids and I assumed it was one of their friends. I asked his name and introduced myself. He gets out of the car and my kids say “I don’t know that boy. I guess he just wanted a ride”. 💀💀💀

    — Princess (@themultiplemom) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @themultiplemom

    23.

    My daughter just told me “second grade is such total drama, everybody is breaking up with everybody and crushing on everybody and fighting with everybody and there’s so much crying and friends, I’m really gonna miss it”

    — Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 11, 2023
    Twitter: @ambernoelle

    24.

    As a Los Angeles babysitter I have seen children’s birthday parties that would make Bernie Sanders kill himself

    — ellory smith (@ellorysmith) June 14, 2023
    Twitter: @ellorysmith

    25.

    yesterday kiddo woke up from his nap crying, then fell asleep on me while we rocked on his chair. when he woke up again he said "count the mommies," first pointed to the corner in the dark, said "one!" and then at me and said "two!" so that's been on my mind a bit

    — taryn (@peepsaregood) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @peepsaregood

    26.

    I know, I’ll just let my kid watch TV this morning and that way I’ll have time to get some work done! annnnd nope I’ve spent 27 minutes trying to find the episode of Peppa Pig where George won’t eat his carrots.

    — Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @missmulrooney

    27.

    Sorry, stay at home moms and dads, but parenting is NOT a job. You can get fired from a job, and despite my egregious daily parenting fails, I haven't even managed to get suspended for the afternoon.

    — Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 12, 2023
    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal