32 Hilarious Tweets By Parents Who REALLY Need A Decade-Long Nap

    "My daughter said the holes in my jeans make me look scruffy and I’m confused because I don’t remember giving birth to my mother" —@Lottie_Poppie

    If any of you plan on hosting or attending a gender reveal party any time soon, follow these two very important rules: 1.) don't involve fire in any way, and 2.) do not, under any circumstances, call it a "sex party."

    My 75-year-old mother just informed me that she is going to her first "sex party" and doesn't know what to bring.

    After some awkward questions, I said, "Gender reveal. You're going to a gender reveal."

    — mariana Z (@mariana057) June 20, 2023
    Twitter: @mariana057

    And make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!


    has anyone tried telling their mom they couldn’t find the titanic submarine so she can find it immediately and say it was in front of our faces the whole time?

    — Adam (@adamgreattweet) June 22, 2023
    Twitter: @adamgreattweet


    Some news: tonight, in a harrowing moment of self-sabotage, I introduced my kids to Mambo No. 5

    — Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 16, 2023
    Twitter: @missmulrooney


    Okay, so my 6-year old sings when he's pooping. Top of his lungs, usually songs he makes up, almost always w/the door wide open. Yesterday on our flight from Paris, he had to go, so he shout-serenaded passengers w/an original tune for 10 minutes (door closed). It was magnificent.

    — Samuel Perry (@profsamperry) June 18, 2023
    Twitter: @profsamperry


    just watched my toddler dip a string cheese into strawberry yogurt and eat it, then chug 8 oz of whole milk. a literal Dairy Queen

    — ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 20, 2023
    Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl


    Discovered my 6yo has been challenging my work colleagues to Words with Friends on my account and she solely plays with "fart" "poop" and "butt" words

    ...so it appears as though 𝙄 solely play with "fart" "poop" and "butt" words 😬

    — Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 17, 2023
    Twitter: @LizerReal


    “I can’t get up because I’m sitting down.”

    -3, explaining why she couldn’t do what I asked her to do, while simultaneously becoming my life coach

    — The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 21, 2023
    Twitter: @TheMomHack


    Place to pet your WWE championship belt pic.twitter.com/7vIefz8DI1

    — Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 22, 2023
    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    a mom-friend's 6yo just lost his first tooth and my 6yo just lost her 5th tooth and for 𝘯𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘴𝘰𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 I feel a little bit superior

    — Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 21, 2023
    Twitter: @LizerReal


    My daughter said the holes in my jeans make me look scruffy and I’m confused because I don’t remember giving birth to my mother

    — Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) June 20, 2023
    Twitter: @Lottie_Poppie


    5yo: What’s Romeo and Juliet?
    Me: Well, it’s a story about two people who fell in love, and…

    [2 parents, both English professors, one a Shakespearean, give a long and age-inappropriate synopsis]

    5yo: Wow.
    Me: Yeah. It’s sad.
    5yo: Yeah. I can’t believe they FELL in LAVA!

    — Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) June 19, 2023
    Twitter: @S_Insley_H


    All I ask this Father’s Day is that my family join me outside on the lawn to admire the mow lines together

    — McDad (@mcdadstuff) June 17, 2023
    Twitter: @mcdadstuff


    Signed our 6yo up for taekwondo so now he can beat up his brother more efficiently

    — Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) June 22, 2023
    Twitter: @mommeh_dearest


    One time I turned the corner to hear my kids saying, “Are you going to pretend to hit him gently with the spoon or should I?”
    I still wonder what game they were playing.

    — Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) June 22, 2023
    Twitter: @MedusaOusa


    My son set up a lemonade stand and he's sitting there with a pokemon hat and all his customers are all dudes in trucks who keep tipping him and calling him "my man" 😭

    — Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) June 19, 2023
    Twitter: @lyzl


    *title of the movie pops up on the scree…

    My kid: Mommy what’s happening next?

    — Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) June 21, 2023
    Twitter: @mommeh_dearest


    My kids haven't yet figured out that my wife and I can't actually leave the house without them if they're taking too long to get ready, and it will be a very dark day when they do.

    — Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 16, 2023
    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    My son just got really into Steve Irwin via Youtube clips about crocs and komodo dragons and for some fucking weird reason I decided to tell him he's dead? Killed by a stingray to the heart? What kind of person am I

    — amil (@amil) June 15, 2023
    Twitter: @amil


    My son just said, “Best money we ever spent!” after I pulled down the car windshield sunshade and some white New Balance sneakers just magically appeared on his feet

    — DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 22, 2023
    Twitter: @StruggleDisplay


    Wore my hair down and my kid told me I looked like Ken from Street Fighter so now I have to google that to see if it was a compliment

    — meghan (@deloisivete) June 22, 2023
    Twitter: @deloisivete


    Before I had a baby I read an AITA where a husband was asking if his wife was the asshole bc, overwhelmed, she handed him the baby during an important Zoom meeting, got into her car and drove away for 3 hours and at the time I was like "yes" and now I'm like "a hero".

    — Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 22, 2023
    Twitter: @clhubes


    Told my daughter she has to add dusting to her chores to help me out and she said “joke’s on you because you still have to do it when you show me how” and I hate it here

    — Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 20, 2023
    Twitter: @KatieDeal99


    If you want to laugh so hard your face hurts, you could either roll the dice at a comedy club, or for a sure thing, watch preschoolers play their first soccer scrimmage.

    — The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 20, 2023
    Twitter: @TheMomHack


    Dads are required to say “That’s a fine looking automobile” whenever they pass a nice car

    — McDad (@mcdadstuff) June 20, 2023
    Twitter: @mcdadstuff


    Friend: What are you up to this week?

    Me: Well I took my kids to the children’s museum over the weekend so I assume I’ll be battling a family-wide plague.

    — One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 19, 2023
    Twitter: @oneawkwardmom


    “Mama. I have bad news. I drank too much water and now I have a tummy ache.”

    -my son after eating 4 cookies

    — kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) June 17, 2023
    Twitter: @kindminds_


    After a long day I crawled into bed with my 5 year old and asked him for cuddles, he gave me a sweet smile before rolling over and farting in my face.

    — One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 20, 2023
    Twitter: @oneawkwardmom


    I was playing doctor with my 2yo and he just repeatedly hit me with a reflex hammer then gave me a shot in the forehead so someone should probably revoke his license

    — Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) June 21, 2023
    Twitter: @AnAppleHat


    I know moms aren’t supposed to have favorites but my Alexa goes to sleep the first time I ask, so I’m just sayin’

    — Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 19, 2023
    Twitter: @reallifemommy3