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    40 Dads On Twitter Who Refuse To Be Anything But Brutally — And Hysterically — Honest These Days

    "My 3-year-old asked if I could please turn the baby down because he can't hear the TV"

    Parenthood can be — among other things — seriously, hysterically random.

    Well, the dads of Twitter have a lot of hilarious things to say about it, and they aren't holding back, not even a little bit:


    Parenthood is seeing how many times you can say "let me think about it" with the hope that your kid forgets to ask again

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


    It’s her summer break so I woke my 11 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    Sesame Street: this is an educational show Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

    Twitter: @SvnSxty


    15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

    Twitter: @Fulkery1


    Excellent news! My 9YO is half way done sharing her dream which she started narrating last Monday

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    My son, 7, has discovered “deez nuts” jokes and it’s all he says now. Everything is deez nuts. He simply can’t stop. I asked him where he heard that joke. He made me promise that if he told me, he wouldn’t get in trouble. I agreed. So he leans in and whispers, “deez nuts.”

    Twitter: @DCheverere


    If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you're a terrible parent. I don't care how busy you are--find the time to microwave that shit.

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    My 7yo is angry and says he’s not talking for the entire weekend but he’s got my wife’s DNA so haha ain’t no way that’s happening.

    Twitter: @daddygofish


    Getting someone pregnant makes you a father. Secretly bending the hose your kid is using so the water stops flowing then suggesting that the hose must be broken and encouraging them to look inside as you release the pressure and set Old Faithful off in their face makes you a dad.

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    My 4yo asked me what I’m getting him for my birthday tomorrow. This is how the argument started.

    Twitter: @mahnamematt


    my superpower is ruining my kids life by telling them to empty the dishwasher in between their schedule of doing nothing and nothing.

    Twitter: @dadmann_walking


    The best parenting tool is fruit snacks, those are little bags of shut the heck up.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor* Me: You can't just leave your dinosaurs everywhere. 7-year-old: It was their planet first.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    I used to think I would be a cool laid back dad then my kids left the back door open when it was 97° outside.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    At a kid’s party yesterday I quickly realised I’m not fit enough to be the fun dad

    Twitter: @kevinthedad


    My daughter made a list of what she and her friend are going to do on their sleepover and the last two activities are “eat hot Cheetos” and “eat normal Cheetos.” This must be what it means to Party Responsibly.

    Twitter: @Dad_At_Law


    [Watching our kids play] My wife: They are so weird, right? Me: I don't even notice anymore.

    Twitter: @HomeWithPeanut


    7YO: Can I eat an ice cream? Me: And who has a sore throat? 7YO: It’ll cure my throat like an inside ice pack

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    My 3yo asked if I could please turn the baby down because he can’t hear the tv

    Twitter: @DadSetAgainst


    8-year-old: *makes a blanket fort* Me: How can you do that when you claim you can't make your bed? 8: They're different skills.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

    Twitter: @daddygofish


    Every day of school: Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP Kids: Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP Kids: 6 AM, every day of summer break: Kids [standing by my bed]: We're bored.

    Twitter: @RodLacroix


    I told my 2 little girls that I didn't want to play Hide & Seek, and long story short, I'm playing dress up in a Tinker Bell outfit.

    Twitter: @milifeasdad


    My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    Getting a kid to leave a waterpark is like getting a drunk friend to leave the bar at closing time, they always have a reason to stretch it out

    Twitter: @Dad_At_Law


    My wife: *inspecting her makeup* I should have used more concealer around my mouth. 12-year-old: I'm pretty sure they're they're going to know you have a mouth.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn


    One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

    Twitter: @simoncholland


    "could one of you people come here?" - my 7yo, to the mother and father that have cared for him since birth

    Twitter: @XennDad


    Trampoline not causing enough injuries? Try putting a sprinkler under it!

    Twitter: @XennDad


    My neighbour’s kid just came home with a recorder so the next time I see my neighbour he’ll be a broken man

    Twitter: @kevinthedad


    You can't break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

    Twitter: @gbergan


    having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

    Twitter: @dadmann_walking


    Shoutout to my phone for serving me up a music montage of my kids’ baby pics out of nowhere, I was definitely hoping to cry during lunch

    Twitter: @rusty_coach


    It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

    Twitter: @daddygofish


    Microdose death by letting a teenager drive.

    Twitter: @TheCiscoKidder


    A young child's vow to live with their mommy and daddy for the rest of their lives is the most heart-warming of threats.

    Twitter: @HenpeckedHal


    Might need to schedule a DNA test for these kids, neither one likes Nutella

    Twitter: @daydrinkindad


    Make your kid feel good about their artwork by telling them you’re gonna need a second fridge

    Twitter: @kevinthedad


    When your kids eat pancakes, do they pour the syrup on the floor first or the table

    Twitter: @Chhapiness


    We were driving home when "Bohemian Rapsody" came on the radio. What the song said: Monstrosity. What my 8-year-old heard: Warm sausage tea. The lyrics have been updated to her version for all future car singalongs.

    Twitter: @XplodingUnicorn

    If you think these dads are as hysterical as I do, be sure to follow them on Twitter!