28 Hysterical Moms And Dads Who Tweeted Their Way Through Another Grueling Week Of Parenthood

    "There was a hostage situation at my daughter’s 3-hour dance recital. It was me, I was held hostage." —@IHideFromMyKids

    The fun thing about talking to a child is there's about a 50/50 chance of leaving any conversation feeling 1,000 years older than you did just a few minutes earlier.

    my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

    me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

    him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

    — Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 26, 2023
    Twitter: @daddygofish
    Kids keep us humble, whether we need their help or not.

    Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!


    I like having fellow toddler moms as friends because I’ll text them like “sorry, we are going to be 25 minutes late to the park, we saw an ant.” And they’re like “no problem we’re gonna be 30 bc he had to put on his own shoes.”

    — Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 25, 2023
    Twitter: @clhubes


    Lately when my kids have something to tell me they say “Hear this!” They grow up so fast, like one day they’re a baby and the next day they’re an 18th century town crier.

    — Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 24, 2023
    Twitter: @missmulrooney


    Just when you think you finally understand your kid he says “let’s do a high five, but in Spanish.”

    — mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) June 25, 2023
    Twitter: @notmythirdrodeo


    it takes a village to protect the children pic.twitter.com/kLBhmhLTeI

    — ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 23, 2023
    Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl


    My 8yo told me that if a person cheats on you, you have to leave them "for your safety" and when I asked why she said, "Because if a guy will cheat on you, 𝙝𝙚'𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙪𝙧𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪"

    Damn that took a turn

    — Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 27, 2023
    Twitter: @LizerReal


    My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

    — @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 28, 2023
    Twitter: @itssherifield


    Got out of the pool a little too fast and my shorts came down a bit.

    8yo: daddy I can see your bristles, you know your furry area, you know your welcome to the jungle, you know your wolf patch, you know your…

    me: got it thanks.

    — Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 28, 2023
    Twitter: @daddygofish


    My kid made a new friend at the park but couldn't remember his name, so I asked if it was Jackson, and reader, I was right

    — meghan (@deloisivete) June 28, 2023
    Twitter: @deloisivete


    There was a hostage situation at my daughter’s 3 hour dance recital. It was me, I was held hostage.

    — I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 27, 2023
    Twitter: @IHideFromMyKids


    Trying to guess what a toddler wants is like being on a game show where the answer is always none of the above and the consolation prize is crying

    — Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) June 28, 2023
    Twitter: @AnAppleHat


    The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

    — Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 25, 2023
    Twitter: @KatieDeal99


    In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

    In my 30s: That's called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

    — RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023
    Twitter: @RandomSprint


    A little girl at Pride with her mouth stained BRIGHT red just passed with her family, looked directly at us, held up the drink her hand, and in the most feral voice imaginable exclaimed “I got JUICE!!!!” 😭😭😭

    — Morgan Danielle 🩷💜🩵 (@imaginmatrix) June 25, 2023
    Twitter: @imaginmatrix


    Today my 2yo and I took a walk when he looked down a drain and said: “look mommy, he’s sleeping now“ so I guess Pennywise is confirmed and I’m never gonna sleep again

    — Julicorn (@ChicksRule) June 27, 2023
    Twitter: @ChicksRule


    I was a nanny & the eldest of a big family before I had kids but nothing adequately prepared me for the demand my toddler would exert upon me to be his personal troubadour. I do not KNOW any songs about dinosaurs on Halloween & making one up WHILST parallel parking is STRESSFUL.

    — Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 23, 2023
    Twitter: @sewistwrites


    My daughter, 1am- *comes into my room, says nothing, closes every door (closet, bathroom, entry) builds herself a little nest next to my bed, proceeds to rearrange nest four times*

    Me- "What are you doing? Go to bed."

    Her- *silently goes back to her room*

    Me- *wide awake*

    — Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) June 27, 2023
    Twitter: @ShannonJCurtin


    I’m not saying I have proof that aliens are walking among us, but I do know this family with 3 little kids who are always right on time to every event so hmmmm.

    — Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 23, 2023
    Twitter: @daddygofish


    My 14 year old just banned me from ever texting "LOL" again.

    When I asked why he said "It's just weird."

    When I pointed out that I've been texting "LOL" since before he was born, he rolled his eyes and said "Just don't."


    — Catherine McNiel 📚☕ (@CatherineMcNiel) June 22, 2023
    Twitter: @CatherineMcNiel


    “Dad, for this game, let’s pretend I’m your son.”

    —My son

    — Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) June 24, 2023
    Twitter: @UpsideDad


    Went to the zoo for a year-end field trip with my daughter. My group of students and I decided to name ourselves the Zoo Crew and I taught them an ancient communal call to ensure we stuck together: when I yelled HOOTIE HOO, five 3rd graders yelled HOOTIE HOO back 😅

    — star•gyal (@beequammie) June 26, 2023
    Twitter: @beequammie


    If by hot mom summer you mean me sweating my ass off setting up stuff in the yard for my kids to play with for 12 minutes before getting bored then yes, I am hot af.

    — One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 24, 2023
    Twitter: @oneawkwardmom


    My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

    — @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 26, 2023
    Twitter: @itssherifield


    *bedtime questions*

    5yo: how do monsters sneeze

    7yo: can ants climb

    40yo: where’s my wine

    — meghan (@deloisivete) June 26, 2023
    Twitter: @deloisivete


    So proud of my kids for independently starting an arts and crafts project*

    *painting all my money with nail polish

    — Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 26, 2023
    Twitter: @missmulrooney


    Worst kids at the park, ranked:

    5. Yeller
    4. random kid who won’t stop asking me, an adult, to play with them
    3. kid who picks up all the toys at once so nobody can have them
    2. runny nose kid
    1. my own kid, screaming “MAMA IM TALKING TO YOU” while I try to have a conversation

    — Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 25, 2023
    Twitter: @clhubes


    Just talking to my kid about sleep away camp and this look of terror crosses her face and she says, “and we do nothing but sleep for 2 weeks?!!” Ummmmm no, but if anyone knows of a camp like that for parents, sign me up.

    — Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 28, 2023
    Twitter: @Lhlodder


    Congratulations on becoming a parent! Here’s a toolkit to remove your bathroom doors, you won’t be needing those anymore.

    — OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) June 28, 2023
    Twitter: @OyVeyLady

    28. And finally, for the pet parents among us...

    Vet: Oh my! Your kiddo’s gained 7lbs since her last visit…Can you think of anything that might have changed in her diet?!

    Me: [remembering how I give her a lil treat every time I get a lil treat] Oh wow! Must be the hubs…I’ll talk with him.

    — DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 25, 2023
    Twitter: @StruggleDisplay

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