28 Hysterical Moms And Dads Who Tweeted Their Way Through Another Grueling Week Of Parenthood
"There was a hostage situation at my daughter’s 3-hour dance recital. It was me, I was held hostage." —@IHideFromMyKids
The fun thing about talking to a child is there's about a 50/50 chance of leaving any conversation feeling 1,000 years older than you did just a few minutes earlier.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 26, 2023
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
I like having fellow toddler moms as friends because I’ll text them like “sorry, we are going to be 25 minutes late to the park, we saw an ant.” And they’re like “no problem we’re gonna be 30 bc he had to put on his own shoes.”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 25, 2023
2.
Lately when my kids have something to tell me they say “Hear this!” They grow up so fast, like one day they’re a baby and the next day they’re an 18th century town crier.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 24, 2023
3.
Just when you think you finally understand your kid he says “let’s do a high five, but in Spanish.”
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) June 25, 2023
4.
it takes a village to protect the children pic.twitter.com/kLBhmhLTeI
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 23, 2023
5.
My 8yo told me that if a person cheats on you, you have to leave them "for your safety" and when I asked why she said, "Because if a guy will cheat on you, 𝙝𝙚'𝙡𝙡 𝙢𝙪𝙧𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪"
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 27, 2023
Damn that took a turn
6.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 28, 2023
7.
Got out of the pool a little too fast and my shorts came down a bit.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 28, 2023
8yo: daddy I can see your bristles, you know your furry area, you know your welcome to the jungle, you know your wolf patch, you know your…
me: got it thanks.
8.
My kid made a new friend at the park but couldn't remember his name, so I asked if it was Jackson, and reader, I was right
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 28, 2023
9.
There was a hostage situation at my daughter’s 3 hour dance recital. It was me, I was held hostage.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 27, 2023
10.
Trying to guess what a toddler wants is like being on a game show where the answer is always none of the above and the consolation prize is crying
— Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) June 28, 2023
11.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 25, 2023
12.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
— RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023
In my 30s: That's called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
13.
A little girl at Pride with her mouth stained BRIGHT red just passed with her family, looked directly at us, held up the drink her hand, and in the most feral voice imaginable exclaimed “I got JUICE!!!!” 😭😭😭
— Morgan Danielle 🩷💜🩵 (@imaginmatrix) June 25, 2023
14.
Today my 2yo and I took a walk when he looked down a drain and said: “look mommy, he’s sleeping now“ so I guess Pennywise is confirmed and I’m never gonna sleep again
— Julicorn (@ChicksRule) June 27, 2023
15.
I was a nanny & the eldest of a big family before I had kids but nothing adequately prepared me for the demand my toddler would exert upon me to be his personal troubadour. I do not KNOW any songs about dinosaurs on Halloween & making one up WHILST parallel parking is STRESSFUL.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) June 23, 2023
16.
My daughter, 1am- *comes into my room, says nothing, closes every door (closet, bathroom, entry) builds herself a little nest next to my bed, proceeds to rearrange nest four times*
— Shannon (@ShannonJCurtin) June 27, 2023
Me- "What are you doing? Go to bed."
Her- *silently goes back to her room*
Me- *wide awake*
17.
I’m not saying I have proof that aliens are walking among us, but I do know this family with 3 little kids who are always right on time to every event so hmmmm.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 23, 2023
18.
My 14 year old just banned me from ever texting "LOL" again.
— Catherine McNiel 📚☕ (@CatherineMcNiel) June 22, 2023
When I asked why he said "It's just weird."
When I pointed out that I've been texting "LOL" since before he was born, he rolled his eyes and said "Just don't."
Discuss.
19.
“Dad, for this game, let’s pretend I’m your son.”
— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) June 24, 2023
—My son
20.
Went to the zoo for a year-end field trip with my daughter. My group of students and I decided to name ourselves the Zoo Crew and I taught them an ancient communal call to ensure we stuck together: when I yelled HOOTIE HOO, five 3rd graders yelled HOOTIE HOO back 😅
— star•gyal (@beequammie) June 26, 2023
21.
If by hot mom summer you mean me sweating my ass off setting up stuff in the yard for my kids to play with for 12 minutes before getting bored then yes, I am hot af.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 24, 2023
22.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 26, 2023
23.
*bedtime questions*
— meghan (@deloisivete) June 26, 2023
5yo: how do monsters sneeze
7yo: can ants climb
40yo: where’s my wine
24.
So proud of my kids for independently starting an arts and crafts project*
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 26, 2023
*painting all my money with nail polish
25.
Worst kids at the park, ranked:
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) June 25, 2023
5. Yeller
4. random kid who won’t stop asking me, an adult, to play with them
3. kid who picks up all the toys at once so nobody can have them
2. runny nose kid
1. my own kid, screaming “MAMA IM TALKING TO YOU” while I try to have a conversation
26.
Just talking to my kid about sleep away camp and this look of terror crosses her face and she says, “and we do nothing but sleep for 2 weeks?!!” Ummmmm no, but if anyone knows of a camp like that for parents, sign me up.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) June 28, 2023
27.
Congratulations on becoming a parent! Here’s a toolkit to remove your bathroom doors, you won’t be needing those anymore.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) June 28, 2023
28. And finally, for the pet parents among us...
Vet: Oh my! Your kiddo’s gained 7lbs since her last visit…Can you think of anything that might have changed in her diet?!
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 25, 2023
Me: [remembering how I give her a lil treat every time I get a lil treat] Oh wow! Must be the hubs…I’ll talk with him.
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