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1. A chocolate bash cake for frustrating days when the child inside of you wants to simultaneously break things and eat your feelings. Why not both??
2. A superhero crew tee and high-waisted undies that'll likely make your boo ~marvel~ at your fandom dedication.
3. Or The Golden Age of DC Comics — a treasure trove of classic DC highlights for folks who still only like reading books with pictures.
4. A desk-sized inflatable tube pal that'll turn your workspace into the best party spot this side of the street. The other side has a used car lot...so.
6. A tiny tub of fried chicken erasers to lightheartedly erase your mistakes when your writing assignments get rough – gotta remind the other English majors that *you* are the top of the ~pecking~ order.
7. A hand-painted decor box that'll keep your 14-year-old potty humor alive and well, despite the interest you've been showing in toilet paper storage methods as you've gotten older.
8. An impressive gag gift to (toe)nail it into your lover's mind...practical jokes are your love language. April Fools, we're ready for you!
9. An octopus shower caddy so you can hold tentic-all of your stuff in one super convenient (and only slightly silly) place.
10. A cleaning putty for making the most mundane cleaning tasks way more fun. Ironically, this slimy substance can be used to remove the actual slime your children make/squish into every remote and keyboard in your home.
11. A TokyoTreat subscription so you can have drool-worthy Japanese candy and snacks sent to your door every month. We're talkin' Pokemon Hinamatsuri Snack Packs, Pandaro Cookies, and Strawberry Mochi KitKats. I love having grown up money...for candy.
12. A pack of pizza box socks that are sure to be the ~cheesiest~ accessories you've ever worn.
13. A toilet seat decal for pet parents who love ~kitten~ around with their home decor.
14. A windshield sun shade that's sure to be a great way to make friends with your neighbors – ~eye~ don't think you'll be able to get in your car without someone complimenting your sweet ride ever again.
15. A book of 30 punny postcards so you can send out some snail mail and make someone feel special, particularly people under the age of 10 or adults with an actual (dad-humor) funny bone.
16. A Good Advice Cupcake mug for anyone who just remembered that they forgot everything they learned in college.
17. A rad pastel bed set sure to give you the kind of psychedelic beauty rest only a candy-for-dinner high could create.
18. A toilet night-light so you can walk into the bathroom with confidence, even in the middle of the terrifying night. You're never too old to be afraid of what's lurking inside of the toilet bowl.
19. An enamel pin to honor the sass you would serve your parents when they asked you to keep your room clean – a life joy you lost the day you first heard the term "cleaning checks" in the dorms.
20. A pair of cactus dryer balls that'll give you the greatest delight in your 30-year-old life, freshly-laundered linens. These cute and useful pals prove that whimsy doesn't have to die when responsibility strikes.
21. A dino shower attachment or toilet paper holder for pretend paleontologists who have continued loving fossils a skele-ton since the first time they stepped foot in a natural history museum.
22. A King Friday oven mitt – it's gonna remind you how fun it is to play with your food. Mr. Rogers would totally approve.
23. A darlin' flower pot so you can prove your imaginary friend Fern is as real today as she was in Kindergarten. You've never had a better ~bud~.
24. A Disney dress print that'll show off your Sleeping Beauty love in a way that's slightly less startling than singing "I know you!" to strangers on the street.
25. A perky pair of sunglasses every 6-year-old on the block is gonna go heart eyes over whenever you walk by.
26. A metal buffalo head to add a rustic, western touch to your home without hanging actual animal skulls.
27. A pair of light saber chopsticks that'll be a surprisingly practical utensil set any lifelong Star Wars fan would Jedi for, no matter how grown up they may seem.
28. A pressed powder plush for Sailor Moon fans who know Salem was the secret to the show's iconic success.
29. A one-pound bag of marshmallow cereal because adulthood can seem dull and marsh-mellow at times, but when you remember you can have anything you want for dinner? Things get a little sweeter.
30. A personalized candle to celebrate some classic kid-friendly humor...the art of the fart (joke).
31. A building block coffee mug so you can customize your mug in a way absolutely no one can confuse as their own. If they say they thought it was theirs, you can be certain they are ~toying~ with you!
32. A toilet paper holder that'll give you something to do in the baaahthroom when things are taking so long you decide to start counting sheep.
33. And finally, a realist gift you're gonna need to buy for yourself when you finally accept that you are, in fact, an adult.
When the neighborhood teens laugh in my face after I tell them to put down the vapes and enjoy their lives before adulthood:
