17 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

"Have you videotaped yourself getting tickled?"

Last week I was on vacation, so I missed a week of recapping the epic highs and lows of high school football.

CW

Basically, the Stonewall football team abides by absolutely zero rules and intentionally injures their opponents and the refs are just…okay with that! Also Riverdale brought back SURPRISE RELATIVE Uncle Frank (when has trusting a surprise relative on this show ever gone well, but okay!!!!), Surprise Relative Uncle Frank gives Mad Dog drugs, Veronica and Cheryl invented maple syrup rum, and that's what you missed on Glee! Now let's dive in…

1. We begin, "Winter had come to Riverdale, and everyone was suffering from an acute case of quiz fever" and I'm confused as heck because there was an episode called "The Ice Storm" that revolved around a massive Ice Storm just four episodes ago but okay cool whatever, it's finally winter in Riverdale.

HBO

Listen, I was on Quiz Bowl in high school. I loved Quiz Bowl. But nobody except for the four of us nerds on the team cared one iota about it! And I can sure as hell tell you we didn't get a standing ovation walking through the halls, but more on that later.

2. Not only is the show confused about its seasons, but the Quiz Show seemingly takes place in the 1970s.

CW

We did learn the fun tidbit from Cheryl that Frank Lloyd Wright apparently designed Thornhill, LOL.

3. Cheryl and Veronica consult their chemistry teacher *checks notes* DR. BEAKER, to analyze their maple syrup rum.

CW

4. I'm pleased to report Kevin's dad still exists and has been running Andrews Construction, which seems like an interesting career change from being the sheriff but, you know what, happy to see him!

CW

Archie decides to help his Uncle Frank out by giving him a job, and does what any sensible teen running a construction company would do — names his Uncle the new BOSS (hello nepotism!) and just demotes Tom Keller from a job we didn't even know he was doing until now. Then, Frank and Tom get into a fist fight. Poor guy can't catch a break!

5. You know who else still exists?! Charles!

CW

Charles is just kind of ~around~ this episode. Reminder that he's secretly sabotaging the Cooper family with the help of his lover, Chic.

6. Jughead, esteemed author of the latest Baxter Brothers novel and a voice of a generation, is told his new book should be about a serial killer — so he pitches the "BROWN HOOD" to the Board of the Baxter Brothers (which is a thing, I guess?):

CW

It seems confusing that the board wouldn't be up-to-date with the news coverage about the Black Hood, and thus know that he's literally lifting his story from the headlines, but okay. Also, Jughead's original idea was "The Boy In The River" which I'm assuming was about Jason Blossom. The kid is a hack!!!!

7. HiRUM and Veronica/Cheryl are now in a full-on rum war that I don't care about, but Veronica decides to turn Le Bonne Nuit into a dance club instead of a speakeasy for PLOT REASONS all while apparently studying for the Quiz Show???

CW

8. Kevin reunites briefly with Fangs before he has a "Grind'em" date at the "Five Seasons," and I'm still confused as to why Yale isn't called, like, Kale on this show…

CW

9. Speaking of Yale, I don't really want to get into this, because it's boring, but Jughead got into Yale, Bret got into Yale, and Betty…didn't get into Yale because her dad is the Black Hood, so in the first sledgehammer scene of the night, she destroys Hal's grave.

CW

Please note that the board at Yale knows of the Black Hood intimately, while the board of the Baxter Brothers novels does not.

10. In the second sledgehammer scene of the night, HiRUM sledgehammers the heck out of Cheryl and Veronica's rum supply. What the heck is going on with this show???

CW

11. [INSERT SUBPLOT ABOUT THE FINANCES OF ANDREWS CONSTRUCTION HERE]

CW

I love that one week Archie's whole life focus is the El Royale, the next he is Riverdale's star quarterback, and the next he is balancing the books of Andrews Construction.

12. But now, unfortunately, it tickles me to have to tell you that we must dive in to TickleGate. Kevin has agreed to be filmed getting tickled and brought Fangs into the tickle ring too.

CW, Amazon

Let me say this a little louder: KEVIN'S CURRENT PLOTLINE IS GETTING PAID TO BE TICKLED ON CAMERA. Why do the writers hate Kevin so much??? Justice for Kevin Keller!!!

13. This is a quick note about how the Riverdale writers seemingly don't understand how the college admissions process works. On this show, college admissions officers attend speakeasies and quiz show events willy nilly as though they have nothing better to do.

CW

14. There's a lot that happens at the Quiz Show (Alice tries to cheat, Riverdale wins, Riverdale later loses because it looked like they cheated! Oh, the drama!) but the most important thing that happens is this Mean Girls reference:

CW

IT'S NOT A REGULAR SHOW, IT'S A COOL SHOW.

15. I could explain the ins and outs of the rum empire plan, but all you need to know is Cheryl and Veronica are reopening Penelope's brothel, The Maple Club, as a place to sell their rum to rich people, and — for PLOT reasons — they dragged Penelope out of the SUPER TOP SECRET TEEN SEX BUNKER TO DO IT and also she has to wear a mask????

CW

16. LOL, and I guess Jughead and Bret are about to have a duel (no, seriously) next week! Hamilton and Burr are SHAKING.

CW

17. Jughead and Betty had a pretty rocky episode (honestly it SUCKS when your boyfriend wants to write YA about your serial killer dad!) and, from the looks of the flash-forward, we're due for a Barchie reunion.

CW

And that's all I've got this week! Raise a glass of maple syrup rum (ew) and grab your Tickle Me Kevin, and I'll see ya next week for the DUEL.