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    Updated on Nov 17, 2019. Posted on Nov 14, 2019

    29 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "Julian needs a body, Cheryl. So we're giving him yours."

    1. Before we begin, can someone please tell me where the Southside Serpents are? There are at least some of them left, no? And why is Archie suddenly so horrified by this one dude named Dodger, even though Riverdale has a long history of recruiting youth for actual gangs?

    CW

    Last week, someone commented that the Serpents could have helped with this whole Dodger situation, and I can't stop thinking about that.

    2. Anyway, Archie is the new Hannah Montana, except instead of having the best of both worlds, he is just terrible at absolutely EVERYTHING.

    CW

    His new sociopath move is approaching the teenage criminals in his "mask" and then coming back later as himself and "rehabilitating them" by giving them jobs so they won't keep working for Dodger. (Also, sorry this show is SO dark! I tried my best!)

    3. While Archie is breaking up a youth crime ring, Veronica is dealing with her murderer parents, and Betty is discerning whether or not her brother is a serial killer, Jughead is in "EXISTENTIAL HELL" because he has writer's block.

    CW

    Raise your hand if you had a fucking Jughead in all of your college courses. I can think of at least three in my "Intro To Film" class alone.

    4. Cheryl wakes up from a nightmare, but at this point it basically looks like a sweet family Christmas card in the big picture of Riverdale:

    CW/Shutterfly

    "Julian needs a body, Cheryl. So we're giving him yours." Soon enough we're going to have to delve into the entirety of the Cheryl storyline this week, but I need you to mentally prepare yourselves because it's bonkers even by Riverdale standards.

    5. Post-cult Kevin is truly a delight and I'm so happy to have him back. He's exactly the kinda friend you want to lean on when you're trying to discern whether or not the brother you share with your boyfriend is a serial killer (like the last guy who pretended to be your brother was) or if he's just a regular dude.

    CW

    6. Hiram (with the help of Hermosa) explains that opening a for-profit prison, smuggling fizzle rocks through the nuns, and framing a teenager for murder were just little side hobbies. His true passion is RUM!!!!

    CW

    Hermosa is staying in Riverdale to establish a rum outpost. Uh, okay, sure! Also I thought just last week his new project was running for mayor? But I guess rum is as good a campaign platform as any in this town! Rum is now my passion too.

    7. Thanks to his keen analytical brain, our generation's finest literary mind, Jughead Jones, has deduced that the first Baxter Brothers novel was written by a different author than the rest — and he's certain it was his grandfather. But ENOUGH about Jughead's melodrama:

    CW

    8. Betty, a teen with unrestricted access to Riverdale's prison and morgue (huge shoutout to sweet morgue bb, Dr. Curdle Jr.), decides to pay a visit to Chic for some answers.

    CW

    Reminder that Chic was THE GARGOYLE KING and murdered her murderer father and also knows that whole Cooper family murder cover up. That's a lotta murder, even for murder town.

    9. My absolute FAVORITE character on Riverdale returned, and of course I am talking about JINGLE JANGLE. Just in time for the holiday season!

    CW

    Chic's story is that he and Charles had a thing and they brought someone home with them and Charles' "darkness" took over so he murdered the guy with a pair of scissors. Cool cool cool.

    10. Even though caring for a corpse and dealing with a haunted doll brother FEELS like a full-time job, Toni reminds Cheryl that she has to go to school. So Cheryl puts a ring of salt around Julian so he stays put.

    CW

    11. SPOILER ALERT: HE DOES NOT STAY PUT!

    CW

    12. Betty approaches Charles about Chic's confession and asks him to take a polygraph, which is a huge mistake. Anyone who has watched like 2 seconds of crime shows knows how apparently easy it is to fake a polygraph.

    CW

    13. I'm still, like, not sure what Archie is doing at the El Royale exactly, but Veronica is #inspired:

    CW

    Also the most relatable thing to happen on the show so far is that the kids are criminals because they get free pizza and arcade games.

    14. Cheryl just can't catch a fucking break, because Dagwood (one of the twins) choked on a ping pong ball.

    CW

    That's the face of someone who knows her haunted doll brother is somehow responsible for choking a baby.

    15. The Blossom family Volturi (Aunt Cricket and Uncle Bedford and maybe their son? Idk?) descend on Riverdale and I instantly hate them:

    CW

    They want to sell the maple syrup business, which is hilarious because who the fuck has even been running the maple syrup business at this point? Also Cheryl (rightfully) freaks out like Beast does about the West Wing in Beauty and the Beast, except instead of hiding a magical rose she's hiding her corpse brother.

    16. Charles' polygraph test is kinda boring, but I was obsessed with this one line. I feel like sometimes I get too distracted by the corpses and choking babies to really appreciate the fact that some things like this are said so casually:

    CW

    Charles says Chic did the murder and he just helped cover it up, and says he's a recovering addict to manipulate Betty into feeling bad for interrogating him. I LOVE A SHOW ABOUT FAMILY.

    17. I have to give credit where credit is due. After a full season of being Hiram Lodge's lackey, dealing with Papa Poutine and Small Fry and getting framed for a murder and being thrown in jail and used for a prison fight club and escaping jail to be mauled by a bear, Archie makes the CORRECT decision to decline Hiram's offer to help out the El Royale financially. Finally, Archie made a good choice on this show, hallelujah!

    CW

    Archie to Hiram, 20 minutes later: "I need your help." I TAKE IT ALL THE FUCK BACK!

    18. Hiram and Hermione get involved in what can only be described as "murdery foreplay":

    CW

    Even though Veronica gave her mother a job at the SPEAKEASY SHE RUNS (still will never be over that), this garbage couple is back together. They find it HOT that they each tried to murder the other. They deserve each other. There is also an entire plot where Hermosa tries to explain that Hiram is a good person, but I don't care enough. This Lodge family drama is exhausting. I need some rum.

    19. Cheryl rudely decides she must drown Julian:

    CW

    Justice for Julian! Someone please get me a Julian for Christmas.

    20. Jughead uncovers that his grandpa DID write the first Baxter Brothers book under the pen name of…*checks notes* Frosty Pajamas, but Mr. Dupont from Stonewall totally ripped him off.

    CW

    He confronts Mr. Dupont about his crimes and then tries to tell his teacher, Mr. Chipping. None of this will end well.

    21. Chic basically digs up all that drama with the dead body that Alice and Betty buried. Charles helps FP "deal" with the "situation" (aka commit further crimes) and now he's 100% in the circle of trust.

    CW

    This feels like a HUGE mistake, but I do love a little father/son bonding.

    22. Dodger has figured out that Archie was in the mask. Duh. But honestly, where was Dodger's excellent facial recognition when Black Hood was out there murdering people in exactly the same mask??? Is Dodger the hero we needed this whole time?

    CW

    23. Archie's house is shot up, and it's hardly a plot point. ANOTHER DAY IN THIS DAMN TOWN.

    CW

    24. Jughead goes back to class, and Mr. Chipping is like "sry I couldn't help you" and then he UP AND DIVES OUT THE WINDOW!!!

    CW

    What the heck!!!

    25. And then Jughead's sociopath classmates just sit there like this:

    CW

    What is WRONG with these people???? (Unfortunately this means Mr. Dupont is now their teacher, which is très unfortunate for Jughead.)

    26. Oh yeah and then Toni murders Cheryl's uncle after he discovers JJ!

    CW

    You'd think I'd side with the guy who found the corpse but you would be SO WRONG.

    27. Oh yeah and THEN…uhhhh…Chic and Charles are actually in love and working together and everything so far has been about gaining the Cooper/Jones family's trust. Fun times!

    CW

    28. Oh yeah and THEN Archie and Reggie find Dodger left for dead, wrapped up in a rug!

    CW

    Archie won't let Dodger die (which is endearing) and I feel like there's a 50% chance they become best buds eventually. But, the moral of the story is nothing good EVER comes from asking Hiram Lodge for help.

    29. And, well, that's just Riverdale for you. Three dead/nearly dead bodies and one murdery couple revealed in just 7 minutes of plot alone. Incredible! It's truly as inspiring as Archie's work at the El Royale. And next week? Well, there's this:

    CW

    We are ALL that woman behind Archie.

    And that's all (lol ALL) I've got for you! I'm exhausted. See you next week!

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