1.Before we begin, can someone please tell me where the Southside Serpents are? There are at least some of them left, no? And why is Archie suddenly so horrified by this one dude named Dodger, even though Riverdale has a long history of recruiting youth for actual gangs?
2.Anyway, Archie is the new Hannah Montana, except instead of having the best of both worlds, he is just terrible at absolutely EVERYTHING.
3.While Archie is breaking up a youth crime ring, Veronica is dealing with her murderer parents, and Betty is discerning whether or not her brother is a serial killer, Jughead is in "EXISTENTIAL HELL" because he has writer's block.
4.Cheryl wakes up from a nightmare, but at this point it basically looks like a sweet family Christmas card in the big picture of Riverdale:
5.Post-cult Kevin is truly a delight and I'm so happy to have him back. He's exactly the kinda friend you want to lean on when you're trying to discern whether or not the brother you share with your boyfriend is a serial killer (like the last guy who pretended to be your brother was) or if he's just a regular dude.
6.Hiram (with the help of Hermosa) explains that opening a for-profit prison, smuggling fizzle rocks through the nuns, and framing a teenager for murder were just little side hobbies. His true passion is RUM!!!!
7.Thanks to his keen analytical brain, our generation's finest literary mind, Jughead Jones, has deduced that the first Baxter Brothers novel was written by a different author than the rest — and he's certain it was his grandfather. But ENOUGH about Jughead's melodrama:
8.Betty, a teen with unrestricted access to Riverdale's prison and morgue (huge shoutout to sweet morgue bb, Dr. Curdle Jr.), decides to pay a visit to Chic for some answers.
9.My absolute FAVORITE character on Riverdale returned, and of course I am talking about JINGLE JANGLE. Just in time for the holiday season!
10.Even though caring for a corpse and dealing with a haunted doll brother FEELS like a full-time job, Toni reminds Cheryl that she has to go to school. So Cheryl puts a ring of salt around Julian so he stays put.
11.SPOILER ALERT: HE DOES NOT STAY PUT!
12.Betty approaches Charles about Chic's confession and asks him to take a polygraph, which is a huge mistake. Anyone who has watched like 2 seconds of crime shows knows how apparently easy it is to fake a polygraph.
13.I'm still, like, not sure what Archie is doing at the El Royale exactly, but Veronica is #inspired:
14.Cheryl just can't catch a fucking break, because Dagwood (one of the twins) choked on a ping pong ball.
15.The Blossom family Volturi (Aunt Cricket and Uncle Bedford and maybe their son? Idk?) descend on Riverdale and I instantly hate them:
16.Charles' polygraph test is kinda boring, but I was obsessed with this one line. I feel like sometimes I get too distracted by the corpses and choking babies to really appreciate the fact that some things like this are said so casually:
17.I have to give credit where credit is due. After a full season of being Hiram Lodge's lackey, dealing with Papa Poutine and Small Fry and getting framed for a murder and being thrown in jail and used for a prison fight club and escaping jail to be mauled by a bear, Archie makes the CORRECT decision to decline Hiram's offer to help out the El Royale financially. Finally, Archie made a good choice on this show, hallelujah!
18.Hiram and Hermione get involved in what can only be described as "murdery foreplay":
19.Cheryl rudely decides she must drown Julian:
20.Jughead uncovers that his grandpa DID write the first Baxter Brothers book under the pen name of…*checks notes* Frosty Pajamas, but Mr. Dupont from Stonewall totally ripped him off.
21.Chic basically digs up all that drama with the dead body that Alice and Betty buried. Charles helps FP "deal" with the "situation" (aka commit further crimes) and now he's 100% in the circle of trust.
22.Dodger has figured out that Archie was in the mask. Duh. But honestly, where was Dodger's excellent facial recognition when Black Hood was out there murdering people in exactly the same mask??? Is Dodger the hero we needed this whole time?
23.Archie's house is shot up, and it's hardly a plot point. ANOTHER DAY IN THIS DAMN TOWN.
24.Jughead goes back to class, and Mr. Chipping is like "sry I couldn't help you" and then he UP AND DIVES OUT THE WINDOW!!!
25.And then Jughead's sociopath classmates just sit there like this:
26.Oh yeah and then Toni murders Cheryl's uncle after he discovers JJ!
27.Oh yeah and THEN…uhhhh…Chic and Charles are actually in love and working together and everything so far has been about gaining the Cooper/Jones family's trust. Fun times!
28.Oh yeah and THEN Archie and Reggie find Dodger left for dead, wrapped up in a rug!
29.And, well, that's just Riverdale for you. Three dead/nearly dead bodies and one murdery couple revealed in just 7 minutes of plot alone. Incredible! It's truly as inspiring as Archie's work at the El Royale. And next week? Well, there's this:
And that's all (lol ALL) I've got for you! I'm exhausted. See you next week!