🚨 Spoilers for this week's episode of Riverdale, of course. 🚨
1. For starters, Moose is back and going by the name Marmaduke. So far just some normal teen stuff minus a questionable name.
2. The Farmies literally murder a dude while Betty and Charles listen.
3. The true hero and savior of Riverdale, Nana Rose, was ranting about triplets????
4. Edgar Evernever sent Polly to Charles and Betty with a BOMB STRAPPED TO HER CHEST…
5. …and high school senior Betty Cooper, despite being in a room full of TRAINED FBI AGENTS, has to figure out how to defuse the bomb after her dumb idiot brother has her cut a wire that actually makes things worse.
6. Betty asks Veronica for the $250k, which seems like too much at first but then Veronica realizes she conveniently has $250k worth of "Glamourge" eggs just sitting around.
7. In an episode filled with hostage negotiations, bombs, and rotting corpses, there was also time for a good old-fashioned car wash, at which we learned Charles Melton's hidden talent:
8. The HUGE PLOT POINT of Hiram Lodge being in jail is revealed to be completely pointless since "jail" is just like a country club to Hiram.
9. Archie, continuing his streak of being the dumbest person ever, goes to confront a new bad guy named Dodger (seemingly based off of Oliver Twist?) and somehow attacks FIVE THUGS with a baseball bat and survives?
10. But, truly my FAVORITE line of an episode filled with perfect lines is when Mad Dog asks Archie if he's worried Dodger will retaliate. Archie says he won't get caught, "BECAUSE HE WAS IN DISGUISE." This is that disguise, acquired from the Cinderella Story school of hardly masking your face:
11. For the record, this was Mad Dog's reaction to Archie saying he was in disguise. It is also live footage of my face whenever Archie says or does fucking ANYTHING.
12. The whole Stonewall Prep thing is kind of a snooze to me right now, but I'm still not over Jughead's writing classmates being Bret Weston Wallis (Bret Easton Ellis) and Donna Sweett (Donna Tartt). I SEE YOU, RIVERDALE WRITERS, AND I LOVE YOU.
13. But absolutely everything in this article was leading to this moment, when Alice reveals Edgar's BIG BAD PLAN to Betty:
14. Fortunately, that moment led to THIS MOMENT — the Betty and Alice team-up I've craved. And in this sweet mother-daughter gun-toting bonding moment I couldn't help but think: Did anything come from that murder they covered up together LAST season?
15. Betty punches Fangs and it's just so satisfying? But I do miss when Fangs was just a lovable lil' gang member. The good old days.
16. This Calvin Klein ad happens:
17. Mr. Weatherbee learned the consequences of joining The Farm. He lost a finger even though he said he wasn't the mole. Unfortunately, Weatherbee learned the lesson we all learn sooner or later in life. That even when you're not the mole, sometimes the cult leader is gonna cut off your finger anyway.
18. At last, we learn that "Edgar's Rocket" wasn't a euphemism. It was, in fact, a literal rocket…
19. Side note: Archie could really get some superhero costuming lessons from Edgar. The personalized suit really is a nice touch.
20. Alas, Alice shoots Edgar Evernever, who will never ever be around to evernever never more.
21. Meanwhile, back at Thistlehouse, a rat emerges from Jason Blossom's rotting corpse and THAT's the part that frightens Cheryl.
22. Toni finally "meets" "Jason" and her facial expression really encapsulates everything. Here we have someone who is just way too good for this passport-forging, corpse-hoarding bullshit. Get out of Riverdale, Toni, you goddamn saint.
23. Finally, we ended with a mysterious videotape, causing many viewers born in the 2000s to Google what the heck that black rectangle thingy is. Next week's big mystery on Riverdale: Where on Earth will they find a VCR to play it?
