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    17 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "You have the serial killer genes?" "Yeah."

    1. After an episode where Archie's superhero costume was explicitly mentioned and designed by Katy Keene (star of Katy Keene airing on The CW in 2020), Archie decides to approach victims basically dressed as the Black Hood, as if that's a brilliant idea.


    In true Archie fashion, he manages to get pepper-sprayed during his first foray into vigilantism. I absolutely love this for us.

    2. Betty, who really is over the whole thing where Kevin tried to get her LOBOTOMIZED (water under the bridge!) decides it's a good idea to invite her friend who is fresh out of an organ-harvesting cult to join the FBI's high school program with her.


    Truly not even going to get into the whole "FBI high school program" thing.

    3. Fortunately the town lawyer, Mary Andrews, is back. In crime town, there are 150,000 criminals and one (1) lawyer.


    Add Tucci (Gucci) to the pantheon of great Riverdale "brands" like Bean and Beluga, The Matchelorette, and American Excess.

    4. Fresh off of lighting a serial killer on fire, Veronica is focusing on her parents and her homework. Something's not right here!


    Hiram really wants to get out of jail, even though he proved a few weeks ago that he can literally get out of jail whenever he wants. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also, Veronica commits at least three crimes this episode, including bribing the Governor AGAIN. She's a bad person. Sorry, but true.

    5. While there was no corpse Jason this week, there was something almost as tragic: Sad Pop Tate.


    When Pop Tate is sad, I'M SAD.

    6. At FBI club, Betty basically takes a BuzzFeed quiz called "Which One Of These Creeps Is A Serial Killer?" which reconfirms to her that she does, in fact, have the SERIAL KILLER GENES.



    8. ANYWAY, moving on. The true star of this episode is poor Caramel the cat. This show has showed a lot of fucked up shit over the years, but somehow showing teeny Betty Cooper with this rock managed to horrify me to my core.


    Kevin DID totally make up for the lobotomy thing by convincing Betty she's actually not a cat murderer. ~ Friendship ~.

    9. Me, when someone asks my favorite type of M&Ms:


    Sorry, I just had to.

    10. We meet Hiram's other daughter, Hermosa. The Lodges have done for "H" names what the Kardashians did for "K" names.


    Veronica also learns a difficult lesson that you shouldn't talk to federal prosecutors about extortion in public places. I, personally, cannot talk shit about my friends even if I'm in a Starbucks in the middle of Kentucky, without looking around to make sure they're not there first.

    11. I'm not being facetious when I say I have no idea what's going on with Archie and the teens and the gym and "Dodger". I really have no idea what's going on. I can't follow it. I don't have the Vigilante genes. All I know is that Archie held a press conference for some reason????


    World's dumbest press conference. I was thrilled to see Alice back in true reporter form, though.

    12. Also, I'm sick of Jughead being at Stonewall Prep. His whole plot this week involved the Baxter Brothers book series (aka Hardy Boys) — a completely life-defining thing about him and his character that we are only learning about NOW — and learning that his grandfather was an author.


    This seemed to be setting up a lot of the future episodes but if I have to keep staring at Brett Weston Wallace's dumb, hot, obnoxious face, I'm gonna snap.

    13. Betty, who is genuinely smarter than any adult on this show, quickly comes to realize her brother Charles is sketchy as hell and now she's going to take him down. God bless Elizabeth Cooper.


    She also learns Charles has the GENES, which is puzzling since he isn't even biologically related to Hal, the actual serial killer of the fam.

    14. In the second press conference of the episode, Hiram gets out of jail and announces he's running for mayor of Riverdale.


    Holy hell, I've never seen so much focus on the mayoral race of a tiny town in my life. On that note, who is even the mayor of Riverdale right now???

    15. Oh, yes, and of course the episode ends with the flash-forward again, with Veronica, Archie, and Betty getting arrested for JUGHEAD'S MURDER.


    This comes right after Jughead is assigned a "perfect murder" writing challenge at school, so I'm willing to bet this is all an elaborate ruse crafted by our generation's finest literary mind, Jughead Jones aka Forsythe, the third.

    16. My forever Riverdale mood:


    17. Let me preface this by saying this show has broken my brain, because despite weeks of mocking Cheryl and her obsession with corpse Jason, I found myself inexplicably yearning for scenes with them. Luckily it looks like we're getting PLENTY of it next week:


    Perhaps I have the MAOA serial killer genes? But somehow, the Serial Killer Genes episode seemed to have less going on than the last two episodes. Maybe the Riverdale I truly crave is one with rockets and Jingle Jangle and corpses. How is JJ doing, though? What's he wearing? What does his hair look like? Help me.

    And that's all I've got! See you next week!

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