1. It's Halloween in Riverdale, and everyone is getting video tapes, which Jughead calls anachronistic – even though they live in a town with corded telephones, 1950s-era nurses and diners, and televisions that look like this…
2. …well, except for Veronica's, I guess. Because only the rich get 2019-era technology, mija!!!
3. Mere days after shooting and killing a man (yes, a rocket-building, organ-harvesting weirdo, but still!) Alice is as happy as a clam, and now the Joneses and the Coopers live as one big happy slightly-incestuous-but-it's-fine-because-the-chemistry-is-so-good family.
4. After a nice family dinner with corpse Jason, Toni makes the incredibly unreasonable request for Cheryl to rebury him. You can't just go around asking your girlfriend to rebury her brother, Toni!
5. Moose aka Marmaduke has a new nickname, "Gargoyle Boy," which should be sad but is really just too funny to be sad.
6. Some kids at school dress as Black Hood and Gargoyle King for Halloween. Call me crazy, but it seems wildly disrespectful to dress up as someone who slaughtered Midge, Svenson, and a bunch of other Riverdale High students…AT THE SCHOOL WHERE THEY WERE ALL MURDERED.
7. Veronica mentions her gal pal Rachel Green. Oops, I mean gal pal KATY KEENE, who is apparently just ~dying~ to design superhero Halloween costumes for some high school students.
8. Cheryl and Toni rebury Jason, as people in relationships do.
9. Then we begin a chapter of Riverdale that is so bonkers even by Riverdale standards, and yet I was like, "Oh yes, of course! This doll is Jason's ghost! Sure, whatever! Perfectly normal!" This show has ruined me.
10. Donna Tartt drugs Jughead, which is SO only okay when Betty does that to Alice!!!
11. These costumes exist. That's it, that's the commentary. Thank you Katy Keene, star of Katy Keene, airing on the CW in 2020.
12. Jughead gets trapped in a box, marking the third of the core four to get essentially buried alive. And did you really even go to high school if you weren't buried alive, like, once or twice?
13. Betty starts getting stalked by the "Black Hood" again, which is honestly almost a boring plot point compared to the rest of this episode.
14. Here's a brief reminder that this is all one episode, but, like, the D PLOT of this episode is that Veronica is trapped in Pop's with a SERIAL KILLER and LITERALLY lights him on fire. The D PLOT.
15. After literal seasons of carrying the show, Nana Rose shines in this episode. I would address the seance, but I have to get to what comes next.
16. Um, OK, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it. Remember the triplets? Yeah, so uh, about that. Turns out Cheryl and Jason had a triplet named Julian, who Cheryl ate in the womb, and then Penelope raised the creepy doll as Julian.
17. *Here's a brief break to remind you that this awaits us in three more episodes*
The Chimera is coming. #Riverdale 408. Filming this week. 👠💎🔥☠️🍷⭐️