1.It's Halloween in Riverdale, and everyone is getting video tapes, which Jughead calls anachronistic – even though they live in a town with corded telephones, 1950s-era nurses and diners, and televisions that look like this…
2.…well, except for Veronica's, I guess. Because only the rich get 2019-era technology, mija!!!
3.Mere days after shooting and killing a man (yes, a rocket-building, organ-harvesting weirdo, but still!) Alice is as happy as a clam, and now the Joneses and the Coopers live as one big happy slightly-incestuous-but-it's-fine-because-the-chemistry-is-so-good family.
4.After a nice family dinner with corpse Jason, Toni makes the incredibly unreasonable request for Cheryl to rebury him. You can't just go around asking your girlfriend to rebury her brother, Toni!
5.Moose aka Marmaduke has a new nickname, "Gargoyle Boy," which should be sad but is really just too funny to be sad.
6.Some kids at school dress as Black Hood and Gargoyle King for Halloween. Call me crazy, but it seems wildly disrespectful to dress up as someone who slaughtered Midge, Svenson, and a bunch of other Riverdale High students…AT THE SCHOOL WHERE THEY WERE ALL MURDERED.
7.Veronica mentions her gal pal Rachel Green. Oops, I mean gal pal KATY KEENE, who is apparently just ~dying~ to design superhero Halloween costumes for some high school students.
8.Cheryl and Toni rebury Jason, as people in relationships do.
9.Then we begin a chapter of Riverdale that is so bonkers even by Riverdale standards, and yet I was like, "Oh yes, of course! This doll is Jason's ghost! Sure, whatever! Perfectly normal!" This show has ruined me.
10.Donna Tartt drugs Jughead, which is SO only okay when Betty does that to Alice!!!
11.These costumes exist. That's it, that's the commentary. Thank you Katy Keene, star of Katy Keene, airing on the CW in 2020.
12.Jughead gets trapped in a box, marking the third of the core four to get essentially buried alive. And did you really even go to high school if you weren't buried alive, like, once or twice?
13.Betty starts getting stalked by the "Black Hood" again, which is honestly almost a boring plot point compared to the rest of this episode.
14.Here's a brief reminder that this is all one episode, but, like, the D PLOT of this episode is that Veronica is trapped in Pop's with a SERIAL KILLER and LITERALLY lights him on fire. The D PLOT.
15.After literal seasons of carrying the show, Nana Rose shines in this episode. I would address the seance, but I have to get to what comes next.
16.Um, OK, so I'm just gonna come right out and say it. Remember the triplets? Yeah, so uh, about that. Turns out Cheryl and Jason had a triplet named Julian, who Cheryl ate in the womb, and then Penelope raised the creepy doll as Julian.
17.*Here's a brief break to remind you that this awaits us in three more episodes*
18.As a Dawson's stan for life, I hate to say that Kerr Smith's character Mr. Honey is a garbage human who not only taunted Reggie about his abusive father, but also psychologically abused him more AND TP-ed his car.
19.Charles convinces Betty it was Polly who was calling the house as "Black Hood," which gives us one of the best lines of the episode:
20.I'm not kidding, there was a shooting at the El Royale gym and Eddie, who is apparently a character, was shot.
21.With Jason's corpse back home, Cheryl combs his hair like a giant My Size Barbie, if My Size Barbies were actually corpses.
22.Cheryl legitimately admits she was gaslighting Toni, and I need Toni to RUN to the nearest exit immediately.
23.But the darkest moment was…no, literally I could not see, this was my screen at highest brightness. Jughead makes it out of the coffin, which was just a twisted prank by his classmates, according to HIS TEACHER. The educators on this show are not OK.
24.Archie stares longingly at his new superhero outfit. From football, to music, to boxing, to wrestling, to fleeing from bears, to gym ownership, to this moment — stepping up to become the world's dumbest and most useless superzero.
25.Well guess friggin' what…Charles is bad. I wouldn't be surprised at this point if he was actually a robot zombie named Zorg sent from another planet to defeat the Cooper family.
26.And, um, uhhh…I guess Jughead's dead in the flash-forward.
27.And next week on Riverdale, we learn all about the SERIAL KILLER GENES. I seriously and genuinely cannot wait.
OK, I think that's about it for now. See ya next week!