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    17 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "You have the serial killer genes?" "Yeah."

    1. After an episode where Archie's superhero costume was explicitly mentioned and designed by Katy Keene (star of Katy Keene airing on The CW in 2020), Archie decides to approach victims basically dressed as the Black Hood, as if that's a brilliant idea.

    2. Betty, who really is over the whole thing where Kevin tried to get her LOBOTOMIZED (water under the bridge!) decides it's a good idea to invite her friend who is fresh out of an organ-harvesting cult to join the FBI's high school program with her.

    3. Fortunately the town lawyer, Mary Andrews, is back. In crime town, there are 150,000 criminals and one (1) lawyer.

    4. Fresh off of lighting a serial killer on fire, Veronica is focusing on her parents and her homework. Something's not right here!

    5. While there was no corpse Jason this week, there was something almost as tragic: Sad Pop Tate.

    6. At FBI club, Betty basically takes a BuzzFeed quiz called "Which One Of These Creeps Is A Serial Killer?" which reconfirms to her that she does, in fact, have the SERIAL KILLER GENES.


    8. ANYWAY, moving on. The true star of this episode is poor Caramel the cat. This show has showed a lot of fucked up shit over the years, but somehow showing teeny Betty Cooper with this rock managed to horrify me to my core.

    9. Me, when someone asks my favorite type of M&Ms:

    10. We meet Hiram's other daughter, Hermosa. The Lodges have done for "H" names what the Kardashians did for "K" names.

    11. I'm not being facetious when I say I have no idea what's going on with Archie and the teens and the gym and "Dodger". I really have no idea what's going on. I can't follow it. I don't have the Vigilante genes. All I know is that Archie held a press conference for some reason????

    12. Also, I'm sick of Jughead being at Stonewall Prep. His whole plot this week involved the Baxter Brothers book series (aka Hardy Boys) — a completely life-defining thing about him and his character that we are only learning about NOW — and learning that his grandfather was an author.

    13. Betty, who is genuinely smarter than any adult on this show, quickly comes to realize her brother Charles is sketchy as hell and now she's going to take him down. God bless Elizabeth Cooper.

    14. In the second press conference of the episode, Hiram gets out of jail and announces he's running for mayor of Riverdale.

    15. Oh, yes, and of course the episode ends with the flash-forward again, with Veronica, Archie, and Betty getting arrested for JUGHEAD'S MURDER.

    16. My forever Riverdale mood:

    17. Let me preface this by saying this show has broken my brain, because despite weeks of mocking Cheryl and her obsession with corpse Jason, I found myself inexplicably yearning for scenes with them. Luckily it looks like we're getting PLENTY of it next week:

    And that's all I've got! See you next week!