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    35 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "Get the chloroform!"

    1. The five main teens of Riverdale have continued to LITERALLY not interact with each other and have completely individual plots*, all while theoretically being "students" who are applying to college.

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    *Those plots include but are not limited to: One murder, one future murder, one almost murder, one idiot (Archie), serial killer genes, fake brothers, real brothers, dead brothers, doll brothers, a murderous mommy, a former cult mommy, a rum daddy, and a secret society.

    2. Despite the fact that Mr. Dupont has threatened and expressed open hatred for Jughead (and probably murdered a bunch of people, but honestly what's a little low-key murder on this show), Jughead wins the Baxter Brothers ghostwriter contract.

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    Jughead does not find this at all suspicious, and I think it's because he genuinely thinks he's the world's greatest writer since J.D. Salinger.

    3. HiRUM has essentially sabotaged Veronica's shot at attending an Ivy League school, and it's IMPERATIVE that I remind you that this is all because of a RUM EMPIRE that we only found out about a few episodes ago.

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    4. Once again, Pop Tate is sad. This disturbs me more than 95% of the things that happen on this show.

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    5. Pop is sad because HiRUM is having Le Bonne Nuit's liquor license revoked. Doesn't it just SUCK when your daddy tries to stop you from serving liquor at the speakeasy you own and operate as a high school student???

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    6. FP has proven to be an even greater detective than his son. He figured out that Archie is The Masked Singer!

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    Archie says "people are too scared to call you or the cops, so I set up a hotline." Isn't….FP…"the cops"? I'm confused? How does this town work? How do Sheriffs work? Why would anyone who is scared to call the cops call a sketchy hotline instead?

    7. In the literally darkest scene of the episode so far, Betty learns that Polly attempted to murder a nurse named Betty.

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    Polly has had the absolute worst character arc on this show, and yes that includes Jason Blossom's corpse.

    8. Betty goes to visit Polly, who convinces her that she's innocent!

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    9. Veronica asks her grandmother for the FAMOUS LODGE FAMILY RUM RECIPE. What the fuck is so special about this rum? Is it laced with Fizzle Rocks?

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    10. I forgot to mention that this episode remembered that Charles exists, and Jughead asked him to track down his grandfather. Charles is also very involved in Betty's plot this week.

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    Reminder that he is in love with Chic and they're plotting against the Coopers/Joneses — this will probably come up again in approximately 15 more episodes.

    11. After getting a phone call, Alice starts threatening Betty with a knife. Betty, an all-knowing entity, immediately recognizes this as hypnosis and knows exactly how to snap her out of it.

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    12. Ironically, if you drink every time Veronica says "rum" you will be drunk enough to care about the rum plot.

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    13. Jughead pays a visit to his grandfather to finally find out the truth about the Baxter Brothers. It's pretty incredible how Jughead never gave a single fuck about his grandfather until it personally benefitted his "writing career."

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    Jughead finds out that his grandpa actually sold the rights to Baxter Brothers to Dupont (which I don't believe). And then, later on, when Jughead convinces FP to see Forsythe the First, he's GONE. (Either murdered by Dupont or he's the mastermind of this whole thing. There's no in-between.)

    14. FP is now working with Vigilante Archie, and I cannot lie, seeing him in the South Side Serpents jacket again made me feel things! Remember in Season 1 when the Serpents were bad? And now that jacket feels like a warm hug.

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    15. Now it's time for the biggest TWIST of all! No, literally, the entire Dodger family is based off of Oliver Twist for some inexplicable reason.

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    16. Meanwhile, at Thistlehouse, Cheryl gathers her brothers together for a mass family death by "Chernobyl-grade roach bombs"…

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    17. …just kidding, Cheryl had a (red!) gas mask, Jason's a corpse, and Julian is a doll, so they're all fine!

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    18. Turns out Penelope has been living in the walls (LOL!!!) and is responsible for all that gaslighting.

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    I guess that means she knows Cheryl and Toni murdered a guy, but again murder is hardly a crime in Riverdale!

    19. Cheryl, Toni, Jason, Julian, and Nana Rose — aka the Archie Comics Avengers — hold a "trial" for Penelope (aka "mother most foul.")

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    Penelope's charges: "Prolonged gaslighting in hopes of driving me cuckoo-bananas, attempted murder of Archie, Betty, Veronica and Jughead, and actual murder of my father, Clifford Blossom, Claudius Blossom, and Hal Cooper among others." I do love how the actual murders come after the gaslighting! Makes sense in murdertown, though.

    20. Betty and Charles figure out that Evelyn (of The Farm fame!) is responsible for the hypnosis calls, so Betty goes to visit her in prison, and finds out that the word that triggers people to want to murder her is TANGERINE repeated three times:

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    21. FP is shot at Pop's and it's hardly a plot point. I don't understand how Pop's hasn't been condemned yet or at the bare minimum hired full-time security. There have been at least two shootings, not to mention a serial killer who was LIT ON FIRE just a few weeks ago!

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    22. Oh, and then the show remembered that Fangs exists, and FP was just as confused as the rest of us:

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    Justice for Sweet Pea, tbh!

    23. Penelope explained her motivations to Cheryl and it had something to do with Jason's corpse or whatever, but really she delivered the best line of the episode:

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    24. Okay, JK, that was the second best line of the episode, because this was the first:

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    If you're keeping count, this is the second Riverdale mom to be chloroformed by their daughter.

    25. But the part of this episode that had me CACKLING is when Cheryl threatens to send Penelope to: "a place so vile, so revolting, you'll wish you were bricked up in Thistlehouse's walls." AND THAT PLACE ENDS UP BEING THE ONE AND ONLY RIVERDALE SEX BUNKER THAT LITERALLY EVERY TEEN ON THIS SHOW USES JUST TO HANG OUT/HAVE SEX/PLAY G&G/GO AFTER THEY BREAK OUT OF JAIL!!!!

    CW/Jen Abidor

    ^This is my actual live conversation with my friend Nora in real time. But seriously, Cheryl, everyone in Riverdale knows about this damn bunker.

    26. HiRUM invited the Columbia recruiter to Le Bonne Nuit, which he thinks is a sabotage, but this is a high school TV show at the end of the day. And on teen TV, college recruiters are IMPRESSED by students going above and beyond in their extracurriculars — even when that means running a speakeasy!

    CW

    Also things I refuse to talk about: HiRUM and Veronica's weird sexual tension, and literally any other move in their ongoing rum war.

    27. It wouldn't be a Riverdale midseason finale without a little musical number! I'm honestly just here for Kevin getting to do something again that's not BEING IN A CULT.

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    Also Archie almost beats Dodger to death during this song in front of his "mother" (who is the same age as him but WHATEVER). Archie gets upset when the kids at the El Royale watch him almost murder a person, but he should just realize that everyone in Riverdale murders from time to time and it's OK.

    28. Betty revisits her Dark Betty origin story, aka the day she murdered her cat, Caramel:

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    She did this because of some complicated thing she and Charles figured out where if she killed Dark Betty then the Tangerine hypnosis wouldn't work anymore IDK.

    29. Jughead signs the contract, which just SCREAMS The Little Mermaid to me. Teens should never be allowed to sign any legal documents!

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    30. Jughead is initiated into the Quill & Skull society, which might make it the first-ever society that lets you join without having any knowledge that you were joining in the first place.

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    Cinematic parallels between Caramel's death/this initiation and then THAT last scene of the episode, which we'll get to.

    31. Cheryl decides it's finally time to bury Jason which is sad for us (bye bye JJ!) but probably healthy for Cheryl in the long run. Plus, it gives us the first scene where the main cast of this dang show interacts!!!!! The only time this friend group chills is when it's time to light a corpse on fire.

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    BTW, what time of year is it?! We're past Thanksgiving, but Sweetwater River isn't frozen over. Is this a commentary on global warming or just a continuity error? You decide!

    32. Again, what is this timeline???? Wasn't the flash forward supposed to be spring break? I'm so confused.

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    I need to remember that time, much like decades, does not exist in Riverdale.

    33. DARK BETTY IS ALIVE AND WELL!

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    Literally though, this scene was so dark.

    34. Archie meets Fred's long lost brother Frank, and with the way this show operates, I guarantee that he is EVIL and/or has another twin and/or is in a cult and/or is an FBI agent and/or is actually an extraterrestrial.

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    35. Oh, and, uhhhhh…I guess Betty killed Jughead.

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    (There's literally no chance Betty actually killed Jughead, but OKAY!)

    And that's all she wrote for now! See ya after the new year, Riverfriends!