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    34 Dad Jokes That Should Not — Under Any Circumstances — Be Told To Kids

    Dad jokes...after dark.

    Like dad jokes? Well, the subreddit r/dadjokes/ is full of hilarious groaners, including its share of jokes no dad would dare tell his kids:

    1. "Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine."

    2. "It's okay if your phone autocorrects 'fuck' to 'duck.' You're still using fowl language."


    3. "My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially because his name’s Steve."

    4. "I've just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way."


    5. "I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day."

    6. "Did you hear about the guy who dipped his testicles in glitter? Pretty Nuts!"


    7. "What has two butts and kills people? An assassin."

    8. "My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities."


    9. "My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence."

    10. "I hate those people who knock on your door and say you need to get 'saved' or you'll 'burn.' Stupid firemen."


    11. "My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body. I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now."

    12. "When two people have sex, its a twosome. When three people have sex, its a threesome. Now I know why people call you handsome."


    13. "My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower. He has serious selfie steam issues."

    14. "I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods. It's more difficult to deter gents, though."


    15. "A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar He came, he saw, he conquered."

    16. "I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: 'Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!' She was watching our wedding video again."


    17. "Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit need to let that mango."

    18. "My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said, 'Ahh, like making love in a canoe.' When I asked him if it was that good, his smile faded and he said, 'No, it's fucking close to water' and poured it out."


    19. "My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, 'How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?' He winked at me and said, 'I'm off duty in ten minutes — meet me in the car park.'"

    20. "We just found out Grandpa is now addicted to Viagra. Nobody is taking it harder than Grandma."


    21. "My girlfriend said she was going to get a colonic. Turns out she was full of shit."

    chandler and joey from "friends" laughing

    22. "What do you call Richard's selfie? A Dick pic."


    23. "My boyfriend asked me 'Is cutting the crust off of bread like circumcision for a sandwich?' I said 'No, cutting off the crust doesn’t get rid of the cheese.'"

    a man laughing

    24. "Last night I hired a prostitute philosopher. She blew my mind."


    25. "Why did the guy ask the prostitute for a refund? Because he didn't get bang for his buck."

    26. "I'‌‌m datin‌‌g a‌‌n Englis‌‌h teache‌‌r wh‌‌o keep‌‌s correctin‌‌g m‌‌y gramma‌‌r durin‌‌g sex. Sh‌‌e get‌‌s particularl‌‌y annoye‌‌d abou‌‌t m‌‌y imprope‌‌r us‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e colon."


    27. "Wife to husband of 20 years: 'Am I really the only one you've ever been with?' Husband to wife: 'Absolutely! Before you, they where all nines and tens.'"

    28. "Why is it so hard to argue with a woman who is not wearing a bra? She’s already made two great points."


    29. "I’m getting a divorce and my wife gets half my weed stash. At least we’ll have joint custody."

    30. "My in-laws are mimes. They do unspeakable things whenever they visit."


    31. "I had to go the doctor because I've been having lots of irregular bowel movements. They diagnosed me with all kinds of weird shit."

    dad from schitt's creek laughing

    32. "Why do chickens wear underwear on their head? Because their pecker is on their face."


    33. "If there is only one pimp in whole town that is a Monopoly."

    the monopoly man and board game

    34. Why is it called dad jokes? If it was called mom jokes it would've been funny."


    H/T: r/dadjokes/

    This article contains content from Mike Spohr. It was compiled by Salimah McCullough.