165 Dumb Dad Jokes You're Going To Hate Yourself For Laughing At

    What does a vegetarian zombie eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”

    There are regular dad jokes — and then there are really, really dumb dad jokes. These are guaranteed to make you groan.

    Dad jokes that are *actually* funny are hard to come by–which is why we’ve rounded up all of our favorite jokes that’ll make you, your friends, and your family laugh. If you’re looking for more funny dad jokes, our dumb dad jokes are even more groan-worthy.

    Looking for more jokes and laughs to share with friends or family? Or just brushing up on your collection of jokes? Check out our other joke roundups, including knock knock jokes, corny jokes, and clean jokes. If you’re looking for adult or naughty jokes, you’ll definitely want to check out our best dirty jokes and funny jokes

    1. My wife asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' to her. I said maybe.


    2. Are you feeling cold? Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.


    3. What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.


    4. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.

    5. How do you get in touch with a Roman architect? You column.

    6. Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.

    7. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

    8. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.

    9. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


    10. What do you call a magician who lost their magic? Ian.


    11. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket.

    12. A man walks into lawyer's office and asks, "How much for a consultation?" "Three questions for $150 bucks." "Kinda steep, isn't it?" "Yeah, now what's your last question."


    13. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises. When do we want it? Neeeooooooow!


    14. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.


    15. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.


    16. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

    17. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!

    18. What do you say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you having a crisis?"

    19. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

    20. I have submitted 10 jokes now trying to reach the front page...no pun in ten did.


    21. By the end of this post you'll be wearing socks with sandals and getting ready to fire up the grill. You've been warned!

    22. When’s a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

    23. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!

    24. The other day I saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.

    25. Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.

    26. What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing—it just let out a little wine.


    27. Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.

    28. What happened to the exorcist's car? It got repossessed.

    29. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm — and put it on my bill."

    30. What did the baby corn say to mama corn? "Where’s popcorn?"

    31. You've heard of Harrison Ford. Get ready for BaldDad Toyota.


    32. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.


    33. I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.


    34. What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

    35. I saw a sign by the road that said, "END ROAD WORK" and thought, Wow, people will protest anything these days.


    36. I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature.


    37. Were does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store.


    38. Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

    39. My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.


    40. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.


    41. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

    42. What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.

    43. What do you call a magician who lost their magic? Ian.

    44. Why did Karen press CTRL+ ALT+ DELETE? Because she wanted to see the task manager.


    45. What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor.


    46. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

    47. Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m." Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."

    48. What do you call a new baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

    49. Why can't a parent change a light bulb? Because they don't make diapers small enough.

    50. I can cut a piece of wood in half by just looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.


    51. What has two butts and kills people? An assassin!

    52. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.


    53. My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, "Be positive," but it's hard without him.


    54. The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.


    55. I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said, "That means it's pasture bedtime."

    56. My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.


    57. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

    58. I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.


    59. What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.


    60. I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.


    61. How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.


    62. I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No…it’s to look at."

    63. I wanted to be a doctor, I just didn't have the patients.


    64. What’d the wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner.


    65. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.


    66. What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.


    67. Why is Yoda such a good gardener? He has green thumbs.

    68. I decided to link all my wristwatches together and make a belt. It was a real waist of time.


    69. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.


    70. I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.


    71. Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

    72. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, "You."


    73. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?


    74. Why wasn't the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.

    75. What does a janitor yell when he comes out of the closet? "SUPPLIES!"

    76. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

    77. What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milkshake!

    78. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

    79. Do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them.

    80. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

    81. What do you call a werewolf who doesn’t know they’re a werewolf? An unawarewolf!

    82. I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to take steps to avoid them.

    83. For those of you that play Wordle, today's solution was not easy. "Easy" is not a five-letter word!

    84. Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data... Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years now.

    85. Two slices of bread got married. The wedding was amazing until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

    86. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

    87. I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless!

    88. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker.

    89. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

    90. You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.

    91. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.


    92. I sympathize with batteries. I’m never included in anything either.


    93. What did the priest shout at the salad bar? LETTUCE PRAY!


    94. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.

    95. This old guy I knew would always say, "You know what really burns my ass?" He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, "A fire about this high."

    —Precilla Bragg, Facebook

    96. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!

    97. Why was the broom late? It overswept!

    98. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?

    99. What did the triangle say to the circle? "Your life has no point."

    100. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!

    101. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."

    102. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

    103. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!

    104. CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”

    105. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

    106. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

    107. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

    108. KID: "Hey, I was thinking…
" DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.”

    109. Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby? Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.

    110. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

    111. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

    112. FAST FOOD WORKER: "Any condiments?" DAD: "Compliments? You look very nice today!”

    113. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

    114. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

    115. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”

    116. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

    117. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."

    118. When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.”

    119. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

    120. GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?" DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.”

    121. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”

    122. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

    123. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

    124. MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."

    125. What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

    126. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

    127. What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.

    128. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

    129. Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!

    130. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.

    131. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.

    132. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

    133. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

    134. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”

    135. When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!

    136. What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

    137. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

    138. Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.

    139. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.

    140. Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.

    141. WAITRESS: "Soup or salad?" DAD: "I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”

    142. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

    143. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.

    144. NURSE: "Blood type?" DAD: "Red."

    145. SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”

    146. KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

    Latin American young man laughing against gray background. Cheerful male is with arms crossed. He is wearing casual.

    147. What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.

    148. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.

    149. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.

    150. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

    151. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!

    152. Can February March? No, but April May!

    153. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

    154. When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: "No, I got them all cut!"

    155. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”

    156. What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño face.

    157. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

    158. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.

    159. Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.

    160. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.

    161. DAD, TO A SINGER: "Don’t forget a bucket." SINGER: "Why?" 
DAD: "To carry your tune."

    162. Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.

    163. How do you get a squirrel to like you? You act like a nut!

    164. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk!

    165. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

    166. Kid: "Dad I'm hungry!" Dad: "Well, Hi hungry, I'm dad!"

    Which dad jokes made you LOL? Let us know in the comments below.

    This article contains content from Mike Spohr and Allie Hayes. It was compiled by Salimah McCullough.