1. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months, they say his days are numbered.
2. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.
3. I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
4. A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
5. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints.
7. Whiteboards are remarkable.
8. Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.
9. I, for one, like Roman numerals.
10. My lack of knowledge on Greek literature has always been my Achilles' elbow.
11. A joke becomes a dad joke when the punchline is apparent.
12. Anybody who believes in telekinesis raise my hand.
13. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
14. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
15. There are two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
17. Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
18. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
19. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
20. I discovered a substance that had no mass, and I was like "0MG!"
21. What do pampered cows produce? Spoiled milk.
22. I submitted ten puns to a pun contest hoping that one would win, but no pun in ten did.
23. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
24. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
25. You don't need a parachute to go skydiving — you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
26. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
27. People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to others.
29. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
30. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
31. A magician was driving down the road and turned into a driveway.
32. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, “How do you drive this thing?”
33. Just went to an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
34. How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity!
35. Shout out to anyone wondering what the opposite of in is.
36. A nurse told me, "Sorry for the wait!" I replied, "It's alright, I'm patient."
37. Working in a mirror factory is something I could totally see myself doing.
38. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
39. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
40. Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.