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84 Dirty Jokes That Are So Filthy You'll Need A Shower

Muahahaha. WARNING: Very inappropriate (and hilarious) language ahead.

You've been warned — these jokes are most definitely NSFW. We asked the BuzzFeed Community to share their raunchiest jokes, and then threw in a couple more from Reddit for good measure. The result? A long list of dirty jokes that are 100% for adults, and adults only.

For more all-ages fun, check out our favorite knock knock jokes, corny jokes, clean jokes, and some good, old-fashioned funny jokes. And for the bravest among us, we collected the dumbest dad jokes we could find. Fair warning: There are some real groaners on there. Continue at your own risk.

1. Why did the sperm cross the road? Cause I put the wrong socks on this morning.

2. They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?


3. What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?You can't hear an enzyme.


4. What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.


5. What does the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.


6. Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.”


7. What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?"

8. Anal sex is like getting a minivan. It hurts at first, but then you’re surprised at how much you can fit inside!


9. “So, Mickey, you said you’re divorcing Minnie because she’s really silly?” “No, I said she’s fucking Goofy.”


10. What does a hot dog use for protection? Condoments.


11. What’s the difference between a condom and a coffin? You cum in one and go in the other.


12. What does eating a girl out and smoking a cigarette have in common? The closer to the butt, the more flavor.


13. What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $50 to have a lentil on my face.


14. I understand how you get Bob from Robert and Bill from William. But how do you get dick from Richard? You ask him nicely.

Richard Nixon

15. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.


16. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.


17. Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.




20. My wife caught me jerking off to an optical illusion. I said, "Babe, it's not what it looks like!"


21. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.

22. What does a robot do after a one-night stand? He nuts and bolts.


23. A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks: Some asshole has my pen.

frustrated nurse holding her head

24. A vampire walks into a bar and orders a mug of hot water. The bartender says, "I thought you vampires only drank blood." The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies, "I'm having tea!"


25. Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.



27. What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both get close enough to smell the goods, but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.

—Becky Sullivan Sheldon via Facebook

28. A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating." The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!" The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."



30. How do you embarrass a male archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

—Erica Lynn Roberts via Facebook


32. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts."


33. What gets longer when pulled, inserts in a hole, and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.



35. What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.

—Eli Sanchez via Facebook

36. What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!"

37. What does an 80-year-old woman taste like? Depends.


38. A man walks into a doctor's office, sits down and says, "Now, doctor, this may sound kind of strange, but I have five penises." Taken aback, the doctor asks him, "My God, how do your pants fit?" To which the man replies, "Like a glove."


39. How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls!

40. What do Lifesaver candies do that men cannot? Come in 5 different flavors.

—Jesse Petrie via Facebook


42. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.

—Jami Merali via Facebook

43. What is 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

44. What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.

45. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.

—Joshua Burns via Facebook


sex-memes/ Tumblr / Via

47. Have you heard about the new Viagra and prune juice diet? You can't tell if you're coming or going!



onlytwitterpics/ Tumblr / Via

49. A guy traveling through a small town walks into the only bar. There’s one other patron in the entire place, already drunk. The drunk man stumbles over, wraps an arm around the traveler’s shoulder and begins to talk.

“Did you see that fence on your way in? I built that fence. Do they call me Fence-Builder Johnson? No...” He downs a shot of whiskey.

“Did you see that barn down the road? I built that barn. Do they call me Barn-Raiser Johnson? No...” He downs another shot of whiskey.

“Did you see those storefronts on the main road in town? I built those. Do they call me Storefront Johnson? No...” He downs yet another shot of whiskey.

“But you fuck ONE goat...”



When you ask me if you can send me a dick pic.

hoebymistake/ Instagram / Via Twitter: @hoebymistake

51. A friend told me he had an Oedipus Complex... I said, "Motherfucker, what's wrong with you?"


52. What is the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.



when a guy puts his hand down your pants and says "oh baby, you're already wet."

RayaCarmona/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @RayaVlogs

54. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.

—Tim Covais via Facebook


56. What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A cherry float.


57. What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liquor cabinet.

—Rachel Drum via Facebook


59. What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a second to get hard. I just got laid by some chick!"


60. What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.


61. What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.



When she asks if you pulled out and you say yea

mojogodo/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @GPL_

63. What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A dick-tater!



Cashier: Wow haha, big plans tonight? Lady: Go fuck yourself carol and do your damn job

DaRealKingCoopa/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @DaRealKingCoopa

65. Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? No one. They both eat out.



jinchuuriking/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @Jinchuuriking

67. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two. But you have to wonder how they got in there.


68. What does a DNA helicase and a teenage boy have in common? They both just want to unzip your genes.



onlytwitterpics/ Tumblr / Via

70. What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.

—Kerry King-Neale via Facebook

71. What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.



73. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.



officialfrenchtoast/ Tumblr / Via


When he putting the condom on and you just waiting there like 😂

RealAaron/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @ReaIAaron

76. Is "buttcheeks" all one word? Or should I spread them apart?


77. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife died.

—Reuben Glaser via Facebook


*has sex with you* *declines your FB friend request*

DaddyJew/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @DaddyJew


QueerXiChisme/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @QueerXiChisme


when he says he's got the girth & he do

1followernodad/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @1followernodad

81. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"



*during sex* just close your eyes and imagine the way I look on Instagram

msdanifernandez/ Twitter / Via Twitter: @msdanifernandez

83. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.

—Katie Turner via Facebook


Humorous-wifi/ Tumblr / Via

85. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjeaker.

Which joke made you LOL the hardest? Feel free to share in the comments below!

This article contains content from Kayla Yandoli, Cassie Smyth, Crystal Ro, Pablo Valdivia, and Gena-mour Barrett. It was compiled by Salimah McCullough.