You've been warned — these jokes are most definitely NSFW. We asked the BuzzFeed Community to share their raunchiest jokes, and then threw in a couple more from Reddit for good measure. The result? A long list of dirty jokes that are 100% for adults, and adults only.
1. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because every time she gets to 69 she gets a little frog stuck in her throat.
2. What does an 80-year-old woman taste like? Depends.
3. What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common? They both get close enough to smell the goods, but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.
—Becky Sullivan Sheldon via Facebook
4. How do you embarrass a male archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
5. What gets longer when pulled, inserts in a hole, and works best when jerked? A seatbelt.
6. What's the difference between purple and pink? The grip.
—Eli Sanchez via Facebook
7. What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's going to eat me!"
8. What do Lifesaver candies do that men cannot? Come in 5 different flavors.
—Jesse Petrie via Facebook
9. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
—Jami Merali via Facebook
10. What is 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.
11.
12. What do you get when you cross human DNA with goat DNA? Kicked out of the petting zoo.
13. Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
—Joshua Burns via Facebook
14.
15. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She gagged.
16. A friend told me he had an Oedipus Complex... I said, "Motherfucker, what's wrong with you?"
17. What is the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
18.
when a guy puts his hand down your pants and says "oh baby, you're already wet."
19. What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum.
20.
21. What do you call a virgin on a water bed? A cherry float.
22. What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liquor cabinet.
—Rachel Drum via Facebook
23.
I'll just assume neither of you have any bread? Okay cool
25. What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a second to get hard. I just got laid by some chick!"
26.
reading sexts you sent when ur not horny anymore and u can't believe those things went thru ur head
27. What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.
29. What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
30.
When she asks if you pulled out and you say yea
31. What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato? A dick-tater!
32.
Cashier: Wow haha, big plans tonight? Lady: Go fuck yourself carol and do your damn job
33. Who cooks in a lesbian relationship? No one. They both eat out.
34.
35. What do going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common? You have to bite the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit.
36. What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.
38.
Her: "What that tongue do?" Me:
39. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
40.
41.
When he putting the condom on and you just waiting there like 😂
42.
Me, tweeting “men are trash”
44. Is "buttcheeks" all one word? Or should I spread them apart?
45. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can? Because his wife died.
—Reuben Glaser via Facebook
46.
*has sex with you* *declines your FB friend request*
47.
48.
When you ask me if you can send me a dick pic.
49. Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney.
50.
when he says he's got the girth & he do
51. What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
—CC07
52.
*during sex* just close your eyes and imagine the way I look on Instagram
53. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off.
—Katie Turner via Facebook
54.
1st time trying anal vs. 4th time trying anal
55.
56. How do you get Bob from Robert? How do you get Bill from William? How do you get Dick from Richard? You ask him nicely.
57. Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
58. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjeaker.
Which joke made you LOL the hardest? Feel free to share in the comments below!
This article contains content from Kayla Yandoli, Cassie Smyth, Crystal Ro, Pablo Valdivia, and Gena-mour Barrett. It was compiled by Salimah McCullough.