1. "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
2. "My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'"
3. "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'"
4. "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
5. "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!"
6. "Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”
7. "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!"
8. "Me: 'Hey, I was thinking… ' My dad: 'I thought I smelled something burning.'"
9. "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
10. "Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'”
11. "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted."
12. "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."
13. "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."
14. "Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."
15. "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
16. "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"
17. "How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
18. "What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na."
19. "My dad’s name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I’m full,' he always replies, 'No, I’m full; you're Ruby.'"
20. "Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.”
21. "A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"
22. "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"
23. "I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'”
24. "My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'"
25. "I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, 'Window or aisle?' I laughed in her face and replied, 'Window or you’ll what?'”
26. "Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark."
27. "My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, 'Be positive,' but it's hard without him."
28. "The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, 'Happy...,' and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, '...40-second birthday.' I was so proud."
29. "I told my daughter, 'Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.' She said, 'What's that got to do with anything?' I said, 'That means it's pasture bedtime.'"
30. "My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again."
31. "I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again."
32. "I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere."
33. "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."
34. "I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly."
35. "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First a tractor."
36. "We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, 'What's upstairs!?' I chuckled and replied, 'Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!'"
37. "I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, 'Is it to scale?' I replied, 'No…it’s to look at.'"
38. "I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find."
39. "I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, 'Can you describe the symptoms?' I replied, 'Sure...they’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.'”
40. "I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today’s special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'”
41. "Humans are born with four kidneys. When they grow up, two of them become adult knees."
42. "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."
45. "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"
46. "Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out."
47. "Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime."
48. "I'd never let my children watch the orchestra. There's too much sax and violins."
49. "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."
51. "eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches."
52. "I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold."
53. "I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too."
54. "My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, 'What’s wrong?' She screamed, 'These contractions are going to kill me!' 'I am sorry, honey,' I replied. 'What is wrong?'
55. "Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire."
56. "I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix."
60. "Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup? [In a thick Irish brogue.] Because one more would be too farty!"
62. "If I have leftover food at a restaurant and the waiter asks, 'Do you want a box for that?' I always respond, 'I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it!' They never laugh."
63. "A personal favorite: 'I usually don’t believe politicians, but everything the Canadian prime minister says is Trudeau!'"
65. "What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars, except for the duck."
67. "Anytime I'm with a group of people where we have drinks served with straws, I'll pass out the straws one by one, and on the last one I say, 'All right, that's the last straw!'"
Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?"
Not Dad: "No."
Dad: *reaches over and touches sleeve* "It is now!"
At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?"
Me: "Sure, just stay away from those trees over there."
Girls: "Umm...OK, why?"
Me: "I don't know...they look a little shady to me."
Host at a restaurant: “Do you have reservations?”
Dad: “Yeah, but I think we’ll still eat here.”
*Dad buying fake Christmas tree*
Cashier: “Are you going to put it up yourself?”
Dad: “Don’t be disgusting...I’m going to put it up in the living room.”
Dad: "Someone among us is an owl."
Dad: *narrows eyes suspiciously*
"A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store."
Dad at lunch: “Do you have anything cheap cuz I’m not that hungry.”
Waiter: "Well, maybe the chicken strips for $6.”
Dad: “Well, maybe it does, but that doesn’t help my hunger.”
"You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it."
Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant."
Husband to wife, trying to be funny: "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
"You know Orion’s Belt? Big waist of space, huh? Didn’t like that joke? That’s okay...it’s only got 3 stars."
"Someone broke in last night and stole all my antidepressants. I hope they’re happy."
89. "My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces."
91. "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"
92. "A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That’s one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It’s a freebie.'"
93. "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U."
94. "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."
95. "My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars...and came home to us a seasoned veteran."
96. "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."
97. "I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get."
98. "I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants."
99. "I got an email from Google saying, 'At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!' and I thought, 'That's just spam!'"
100. What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!
101. Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their sides? So when they come into port, you can Scandinavian.
103. Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!
104. What condition does a noodle have when it isn't feel like it's good enough? Impasta syndrome.
105. Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
106. Did you hear about that really great farmer? He was out standing in his field.
107. One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on.
108. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
110. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
112. Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
114. A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!
116. A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
117. What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
118. I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
119. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
120. A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "Why would you name a drink Charlie?"
122. Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
123. What happened to the exorcist's car?
It got repossessed.
124. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm — and put it on my bill."
125. What did the baby corn say to mama corn?
126. When’s a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
127. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!
128. Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
129. What do you call two 100-year-old buffalo?
130. The other day I saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
131. Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I press here, here and here." Doctor: "I know exactly what ails you!"
Patient: "What is it, doctor?"
Doctor: "You have a broken finger!"
132. "The first French fries where not fried in France. They were fried in Greece."
133. "I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk. He's essentially a giant Banner."
134. "My mom dropped a pea on the table and my dad said, 'You peed on the table.'"
135. "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."
136. "My friend and I are started a new band, and we've decided to call ourselves Duvet. We do covers."
137. "I tried to get reservations to a library but they were completely booked."
138. "Do you think the people who climb Mount Everest....ever rest?"
139. "If a snake married a mortician, what would their bath towels say? Hiss and Hearse."
140. "Which days are the strongest? Saturdays and Sundays. The rest are weak days."
141. "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house."
142. "I read a history of sandpaper recently...The guy who invented it wasn't sure how to go about it but he had a rough idea."
143. "The only thing flat earthers have to fear...is sphere itself."
144. "I wanted to make a joke about leeches but it sucked."
145. "Did you now there's a breed of dog that gets sad if you feed it cantaloupe? It's a melon collie."
146. "You know why bros call each other bras? It's because bros support each other."
147. "What do you call it when a hotel mattress is ruined from too much vacation sex? Spring break."
148. "What's a ghost's favorite dessert? Créme boo-lée."
149. "I feel like I'm dying inside." "Go outside."
150. "What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke? Puns are not always apparent."
151. "I wanted to go to the ER for an allergic reaction, but my dad said, 'Let's not make any rash decisions.'"
152. "You can't plan flowers if you haven't botany."
153. "I don't consider myself hip. I'm shoulder."
154. "You've heard of Harrison Ford, what about Balddad Toyota?"
155. "I tell dad joke but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa."
156. "My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It's live I've never seen herbivore."
158. "What did one oceans say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved."
159. "My sister's middle name is Jean and my dad always writes 'to Pants' on her birthday presents."
160. "What did the fireman name his two sons? José and Hose B."
161. "What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick."
162. "If I get an antipasto and pasta...will I still be hungry?"
163. "How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one, or two? One...or two? One.........or two?"
164. "I saw a sign by the road that said END ROAD WORK and thought, 'Wow, people will protest anything these days.'"
165. "Why did Karl Mark dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft."
166. "Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels."
167. "What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter."
168. "RIP, boiled water. You will be mist."
169. "What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine."
170. "I heard diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans."
171. At a funeral: "Do you mind if I say a word? Plethora." "Thanks, that means a lot."
172. "I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature."
173. "I wrote a song about a tortilla...actually it's more of a wrap."
174. "Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands."
175. "What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long? A python."
176. "What is the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk, because it's pasteurized before you see it."
177. "Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store."
178. "Rick Astley willlet you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up."
180. "Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate. They believe it's Pharaoh Roche."
182. "People often accuse me of stealing other's jokes and being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine."
184. "You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water. If it floats, it's a boy ant."
188. What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life has no point!
189. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed!
190. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!
191. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker!
192. Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the Hell out of it!
194. Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
195. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.
196. Wanna know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
197. "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."
198. Dracula and Frankenstein had a fight. Who won? Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks.
199. "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts."
200. Where do college-aged vampires like to shop? Forever 21.
202. What did Betty the Horse go as on Halloween? A night mare.
203. "Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable."
204. When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.
205. "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"
206. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
207. Why did everyone think Mr. Jones was rich? Because he gave every kid who came to his door 100 Grand.
208. Why did the mass murderer lose faith in the Democratic Party? He wanted more gore.
209. Why did the ghost take his new girlfriend to his hometown. He wanted his boo to see his old haunts.
210. If you think Thursdays are depressing, just wait two days. It'll be a sadder day.
211. I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was AMAZING.
212. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."
DiCaprio says, "I'll act."
McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
213. I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
You might not believe me, but it's true! I saw it with my own eyes.
215. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
218. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
219. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
221. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
224. What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises!
When do we want them? NNNNNEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!
225. A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?"
The lawyer says, "$5,000 for three questions."
"Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" the man asks.
"Yes," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
229. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know which one comes first.
230. Why did the coffee call the police?
It got mugged.
231. Why shouldn't you play board games in the savanna?
There are too many cheetahs.
232. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.
233. Why don't vampires have any friends?
Because they're a pain in the neck.
234. I don't buy velcro shoes. They're a total rip-off.
235. How do you get in touch with a Roman architect?
236. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.
238. "My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'"
239. "My mom — after getting dressed to go out — asked my dad, 'How do I look?' He replied, 'With your eyes.'”
240. "Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal."
241. "When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, 'Did you spray?' (as in did he spray the air freshener). His response? 'Nah, it was solid.'”
242. "At a restaurant the waitress asked my husband if he'd like soup or salad. He responded, 'I don't want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.'"
243. "Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, ‘No, I’m half left.’"
244. "What did the horse say after it tripped? 'Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup.'"
245. "My friend's mom to his little sister: 'Ava, calm down! Do you have a squirrel in your pants or something?' My friend's dad: 'I had a squirrel in my pants once. He was searching for nuts.'"
246. "When I was a kid I fell down on the sidewalk and the first thing my dad said was, 'Is the sidewalk okay?'"
247. "What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."
248. "Whenever we'd drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, 'You know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!'"
249. "My dad used to have to use a dictaphone at work. One day his boss asked him If he used his dictaphone, and my dad replied, 'No, I use my finger like everyone else!’"
250. "When my kids say, 'Can I ask you a question?' I reply, 'You just did.'"
251. "This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'"
252. "My dad always yells 'Hey!' while driving past hay. If someone asks him 'What?' he yells 'Hey!' again. It usually takes four or five "heys" before they catch on."
253. "Whenever a server says, 'Sorry about your wait,' I reply, 'Are you saying I'm fat?'"
254. "Every time my mom makes cinnamon buns, my dad comes into the kitchen and says, 'Sticky buns? I get those in the summer!'”
255. "My dad is Japanese and pulled this one out on election day: 'This is a hard day to be Japanese with a language barrier. I showed up at the polling place with my pants down because I thought it was erection day.'"
256. "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!"
257. "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."
258. "My dad's last name is Fuller. Any time anyone says, 'Woo, I'm full!' he always responds, 'Well, I'm Fuller!'"
259. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino."
260. "I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why."
261. "My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, 'They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.'"
262. My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, 'Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, 'What?' My dad then said, 'Cause you’re looking sharp!'”
263. What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
264. Parent #1: "Why is there a strange baby in the crib?"
Parent #2: "You told me to change the baby."
265. Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?
266. Why do we dress babies in onesies?
Because they can't dress themselves.
267. A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear.
Unless it is 3 a.m., you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.
268. Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby?
Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.
269. Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m."
Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."
270. What do you call a new baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
271. Why can't a parent change a light bulb?
Because they don't make diapers small enough.
272. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep?
273. There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why?
It was the delivery.
274. What did the new parent say upon seeing "16-28 pounds" on the side of the diaper box?
"That's one huge bowel movement."
275. How can you tell if a snake is a baby?
It has a rattle.
276. Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid?
277. How did the baby know she was ready to be born?
She was running out of womb.
278. When at night do parents change the most diapers?
In the wee wee hours.