1. "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
2. "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!"
5. "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!"
6. "Me: 'Hey, I was thinking… ' My dad: 'I thought I smelled something burning.'"
7. "Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'”
8. "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted."
9. "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."
10. "Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."
12. "How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
13. "Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.”
14. "A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"
15. "I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'”
16. "I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, 'Window or aisle?' I laughed in her face and replied, 'Window or you’ll what?'”
17. "Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark."
18. "My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, 'Be positive,' but it's hard without him."
19. "The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, 'Happy...,' and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, '...40-second birthday.' I was so proud."
20. "I told my daughter, 'Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.' She said, 'What's that got to do with anything?' I said, 'That means it's pasture bedtime.'"
21. "My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again."
22. "I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again."
23. "I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere."
24. "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."
25. "I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly."
26. "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First a tractor."
27. "We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, 'What's upstairs!?' I chuckled and replied, 'Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!'"
28. "I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, 'Is it to scale?' I replied, 'No…it’s to look at.'"
29. "I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find."
30. "I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, 'Can you describe the symptoms?' I replied, 'Sure...they’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.'”
31. "My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'"
32. "I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today’s special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'”
34. "A personal favorite: 'I usually don’t believe politicians, but everything the Canadian prime minister says is Trudeau!'"
35. "Humans are born with four kidneys. When they grow up, two of them become adult knees."
36. "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."
38. "When I was a kid I fell down on the sidewalk and the first thing my dad said was, 'Is the sidewalk okay?'"
40. "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"
41. "Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out."
42. "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
43. "Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime."
44. "I'd never let my children watch the orchestra. There's too much sax and violins."
45. "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."
47. "eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches."
48. "I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold."
49. "I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too."
50. "My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, 'What’s wrong?' She screamed, 'These contractions are going to kill me!' 'I am sorry, honey,' I replied. 'What is wrong?'
51. "I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix."
55. "Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup? [In a thick Irish brogue.] Because one more would be too farty!"
57. "If I have leftover food at a restaurant and the waiter asks, 'Do you want a box for that?' I always respond, 'I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it!' They never laugh."
61. "Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire."
63. "My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'"
64. "Anytime I'm with a group of people where we have drinks served with straws, I'll pass out the straws one by one, and on the last one I say, 'All right, that's the last straw!'"
67. "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."
68. Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?"
Not Dad: "No."
Dad: *reaches over and touches sleeve* "It is now!"
69. At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?"
Me: "Sure, just stay away from those trees over there."
Girls: "Umm...OK, why?"
Me: "I don't know...they look a little shady to me."
70. One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on.
71. Host at a restaurant: “Do you have reservations?”
Dad: “Yeah, but I think we’ll still eat here.”
72. *Dad buying fake Christmas tree*
Cashier: “Are you going to put it up yourself?”
Dad: “Don’t be disgusting...I’m going to put it up in the living room.”
73. Dad: "Someone among us is an owl."
Dad: *narrows eyes suspiciously*
75. "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"
77. "A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store."
78. "Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it."
79. Dad at lunch: “Do you have anything cheap cuz I’m not that hungry.”
Waiter: "Well, maybe the chicken strips for $6.”
Dad: “Well, maybe it does, but that doesn’t help my hunger.”
80. "What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na."
81. "You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it."
83. "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
84. Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant."
Husband to wife, trying to be funny: "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
85. "You know Orion’s Belt? Big waist of space, huh? Didn’t like that joke? That’s okay...it’s only got 3 stars."
88. "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!"
89. "Someone broke in last night and stole all my antidepressants. I hope they’re happy."
91. "My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces."
93. "A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That’s one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It’s a freebie.'"
94. "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U."
95. "My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars...and came home to us a seasoned veteran."
96. "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."
97. "What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars, except for the duck."
98. "My dad’s name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I’m full,' he always replies, 'No, I’m full; you're Ruby.'"
99. "I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get."
100. "I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants."
101. What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!
102. Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their sides? So when they come into port, you can Scandinavian.
103. "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'"
105. Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!
106. What condition does a noodle have when it isn't feel like it's good enough? Impasta syndrome.
107. Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
108. Did you hear about that really great farmer? He was out standing in his field.
109. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
111. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
113. Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
115. A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!
117. A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
118. What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
119. I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
120. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
121. A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "Why would you name a drink Charlie?"
123. Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
124. What happened to the exorcist's car?
It got repossessed.
125. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm — and put it on my bill."
126. What did the baby corn say to mama corn?
127. "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"
129. When’s a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
130. "My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, 'They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.'"
131. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines!
132. Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
133. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino."
134. "Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”
135. The other day I saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
136. Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I press here, here and here." Doctor: "I know exactly what ails you!"
Patient: "What is it, doctor?"
Doctor: "You have a broken finger!"
138. My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, 'Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, 'What?' My dad then said, 'Cause you’re looking sharp!'”
144. "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."
149. "My dad always yells 'Hey!' while driving past hay. If someone asks him 'What?' he yells 'Hey!' again. It usually takes four or five "heys" before they catch on."
152. "I got an email from Google saying, 'At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!' and I thought, 'That's just spam!'"
159. "Why did Karl Mark dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft."
160. "This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'"
161. "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
162. "Every time my mom makes cinnamon buns, my dad comes into the kitchen and says, 'Sticky buns? I get those in the summer!'”
172. What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life has no point!
173. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed!
174. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker!
175. Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the Hell out of it!
176. "Whenever we'd drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, 'You know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!'"
177. "What did the horse say after it tripped? 'Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup.'"
179. "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."
180. Dracula and Frankenstein had a fight. Who won? Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks.
182. Where do college-aged vampires like to shop? Forever 21.
183. "When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, 'Did you spray?' (as in did he spray the air freshener). His response? 'Nah, it was solid.'”
184. "My dad used to have to use a dictaphone at work. One day his boss asked him If he used his dictaphone, and my dad replied, 'No, I use my finger like everyone else!’"
186. What did Betty the Horse go as on Halloween? A night mare.
187. "Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable."
188. "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"
189. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
190. Why did everyone think Mr. Jones was rich? Because he gave every kid who came to his door 100 Grand.
191. Why did the mass murderer lose faith in the Democratic Party? He wanted more gore.
192. Why did the ghost take his new girlfriend to his hometown. He wanted his boo to see his old haunts.
193. What do you call two 100-year-old buffalo?
194. "When my kids say, 'Can I ask you a question?' I reply, 'You just did.'"
202. When at night do parents change the most diapers?
In the wee wee hours.
204. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
206. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!
207. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
209. "Whenever a server says, 'Sorry about your wait,' I reply, 'Are you saying I'm fat?'"
213. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep?