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278 Dad Jokes That Are So Bad They're Actually Good

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent.

We recently asked the members of BuzzFeed Community to share their favorite dad joke with us. The results were groan-tastic.

1. "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."

ABC

—Submitted by Shel Springer via Facebook

2. "My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.'"

Paramount

—Submitted by Laura Kathleen via Facebook

3. "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'"

ESPN

—Submitted by Trenton Taylor via Facebook

4. "Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"

Fox

—Submitted by Sara Spicer via Facebook

5. "Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!"

NBC

—Submitted by Robert Jaberg via Facebook

6. "Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”

20th Century Fox

—Submitted by erikg12

7. "Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!"

Paramount Pictures

—Submitted by dhoustonjr

8. "Me: 'Hey, I was thinking…
' My dad: 'I thought I smelled something burning.'"

ESPN

—Submitted by lalita357

9. "How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"

Comedy Central

—Submitted by Ken Hull via Facebook

10. "Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'”

tumblr.com

—Submitted by katiel87

11. "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted."

tumblr.com

—Submitted by Brett Rosenbach via Facebook

12. "I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off."

Dreamworks

—Submitted by AJ Dunleavy via Facebook

13. "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."

CNN

—Submitted via Facebook by Sean McCarroll

14. "Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."

NBC

—Submitted by Kevin Kohr via Facebook

15. "A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"

ABC

—Submitted by Andrew Ross Maxwell via Facebook

16. "I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!"

NBC

—Submitted by Crhannon37

17. "How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"

AMC

—Submitted by sjd2001

18. "What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na."

CBS

—Submitted by alexd46eac8320

19. "My dad’s name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, 'Dad, I’m full,' he always replies, 'No, I’m full; you're Ruby.'"

BBC

— Submitted by ruby-jeanm

20. "Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.”

21. "A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"

NBC

—Submitted by Brad Flaherty via Facebook

22. "What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1"

BBC

—Submitted by Gina Gale via Facebook

23. "I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, 'You.'”

20th Century Fox

—Submitted by ansolle98

24. "My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, 'Sure, my door is always open.'"

ESPN

25. "I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, 'Window or aisle?' I laughed in her face and replied, 'Window or you’ll what?'”

u/nandos677

26. "Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark."

ITV / STV

27. "My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, 'Be positive,' but it's hard without him."

u/professorf

28. "The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, 'Happy...,' and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, '...40-second birthday.' I was so proud."

Facebook Watch / Via giphy.com

29. "I told my daughter, 'Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.' She said, 'What's that got to do with anything?' I said, 'That means it's pasture bedtime.'"

u/ArchipelagoMind

30. "My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again."

ABC

31. "I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again."

Absolute Radio / Via giphy.com

32. "I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere."

u/JBiff09

33. "What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot."

NBC

34. "I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly."

u/AlabamaMayan

35. "How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First a tractor."

NBC

36. "We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, 'What's upstairs!?' I chuckled and replied, 'Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!'"

37. "I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, 'Is it to scale?' I replied, 'No…it’s to look at.'"

u/honolulu_oahu_mod

38. "I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find."

39. "I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, 'Can you describe the symptoms?' I replied, 'Sure...they’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.'”

u/madazzahatter

40. "I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, 'Do you want to hear today’s special?' I said, 'Yes, please,' so he replied, 'No problem, sir. Today is special.'”

41. "Humans are born with four kidneys. When they grow up, two of them become adult knees."

u/NotObnoxious

42. "Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable."

43. "Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021."

u/Ramzee24

44. "The average person is really mean."

u/o0oo00oo0o

45. "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"

46. "Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out."

u/Hana-Chi

47. "Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime."

48. "I'd never let my children watch the orchestra. There's too much sax and violins."

u/theDwarfed

49. "My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back."

20th Century Fox

50. "My son told me he didn't understand cloning. I told him, 'That makes two of us.'"

u/26326312

51. "eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches."

ABC

52. "I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold."

u/porichoygupto

53. "I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too."

Paramount

54. "My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, 'What’s wrong?' She screamed, 'These contractions are going to kill me!' 'I am sorry, honey,' I replied. 'What is wrong?'

u/Bakedschwarzenbach

55. "Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire."

20th Century Fox

56. "I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix."

NBC

57. "My favorite time on the clock is 6:30. Hands down."

imabadassinmymind

58. "That’s a pretty good ceiling. It’s not the best, but it’s up there!"

papahet1

59. "What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?"

mayor123asdf

60. "Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup? [In a thick Irish brogue.] Because one more would be too farty!"

pain_in_your_ass

61. "What's green and smells like red paint? Green paint."

Algum

62. "If I have leftover food at a restaurant and the waiter asks, 'Do you want a box for that?' I always respond, 'I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it!' They never laugh."

Astuary-Queen

63. "A personal favorite: 'I usually don’t believe politicians, but everything the Canadian prime minister says is Trudeau!'"

Sabronis77

64. "Did you know that if a piano falls on you, your head will B-flat?"

Vadelmayer44

65. "What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars, except for the duck."

civilesk

66. "What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!"

Teswhaaat

67. "Anytime I'm with a group of people where we have drinks served with straws, I'll pass out the straws one by one, and on the last one I say, 'All right, that's the last straw!'"

Klown1327

68.

Dad putting car in reverse.

Dad: "Ahh, this takes me back."

Hkatsupreme

69.

Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?"

Not Dad: "No."

Dad: *reaches over and touches sleeve* "It is now!"

Cheese_Pancakes

70.

At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?"

Me: "Sure, just stay away from those trees over there."

Girls: "Umm...OK, why?"

Me: "I don't know...they look a little shady to me."

Fleurdelis502

71.

Host at a restaurant: “Do you have reservations?”

Dad: “Yeah, but I think we’ll still eat here.”

OvaltineDeathFantasy

72.

*Dad buying fake Christmas tree*

Cashier: “Are you going to put it up yourself?”

Dad: “Don’t be disgusting...I’m going to put it up in the living room.”

HippieMermaid420

73.

Dad: "Someone among us is an owl."

Me: "Who?"

Dad: *narrows eyes suspiciously*

Prestigious_Pringle

74.

"I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back."

akaShadezz11

75.

"I haven't been to the gym in so long I've gone back to calling it James."

damndingashrubbery

76.

"A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store."

aworldwithoutshrimp

77.

"Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it."

Photon_Torpedophile

78.

Dad at lunch: “Do you have anything cheap cuz I’m not that hungry.”

Waiter: "Well, maybe the chicken strips for $6.”

Dad: “Well, maybe it does, but that doesn’t help my hunger.”

Sjkxism

79.

"You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it."

Fo_eyed_dog

80.

"What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad."

ProtectedCesc

81.

"If a child doesn't want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"

Achiles_Heals

82.

Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant."

Husband to wife, trying to be funny: "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

llcucf80

83.

"Are you feeling cold? Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees."

pwningprincess

84.

"You know Orion’s Belt? Big waist of space, huh? Didn’t like that joke? That’s okay...it’s only got 3 stars."

MoonBasic

85.

"Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in."

Vlaed

86.

"I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof."

apgp123

87.

"Someone broke in last night and stole all my antidepressants. I hope they’re happy."

WhatAboutMason

88.

"I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs."

Moleskin21

89. "My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces."

90. "What genre are national anthems? Country."

u/rupanath97

91. "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"

Warner Bros.

92. "A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. 'That’s one too many!' says the customer. The clerk replies 'It’s a freebie.'"

93. "Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U."

u/AlabamaMayan

94. "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."

giphy.com

u/Sur5er

"I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though."

u/Hypno_98

95. "My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars...and came home to us a seasoned veteran."

u/HugoZHackenbush2

96. "I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper."

20th Century Fox

97. "I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get."

u/FinalCaveat

98. "I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants."

99. "I got an email from Google saying, 'At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!' and I thought, 'That's just spam!'"

20th Century Fox

100. What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!

CBS

– tarakwantk

101. Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their sides? So when they come into port, you can Scandinavian.

rachelp463623861

102. Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make everything up.

– rachelk4f0870d51

103. Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!

104. What condition does a noodle have when it isn't feel like it's good enough? Impasta syndrome.

– tarakwantk

105. Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

TV Land

106. Did you hear about that really great farmer? He was out standing in his field.

racheld4ab4d7479

107. One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on.

Disney

108. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

– emilyj4b36f6c19

109. What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam!

– keelyg

110. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

NBC

– jefhrn

111. What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice belt."

– Brittany

112. Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

BBC

– missriah17

113. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

– jasminedeleon

114. A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!

FOX

kalisam2

115. What’s the scariest plant in the jungle? Bam-BOO.

lauran4e28a7dfb

116. A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

UNHhhh/ Youtube

117. What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

118. I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.

ESPN

119. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.

120. A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "Why would you name a drink Charlie?"

121. The mama buffalo dropped off her son off at school. What did she say? Bison.

"Bison!"

122. Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

123. What happened to the exorcist's car?

It got repossessed.

124. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm — and put it on my bill."

125. What did the baby corn say to mama corn?

"Where’s popcorn?"

126. When’s a door not a door?

When it’s ajar.

127. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?

They’re making headlines!

128. Why did the scarecrow get an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

129. What do you call two 100-year-old buffalo?

Bison-tennial.

130. The other day I saw a baguette in a cage.

It was bread in captivity.

131. Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I press here, here and here." Doctor: "I know exactly what ails you!"

Patient: "What is it, doctor?"

Doctor: "You have a broken finger!"

132. "The first French fries where not fried in France. They were fried in Greece."

https://twitter.com/CoryRitter/status/1004172043804463104

133. "I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk. He's essentially a giant Banner."

http://reallyfunnyshortjokes.tumblr.com/post/172816170501/i-dont-know-why-marvel-hasnt-tried-to-put

134. "My mom dropped a pea on the table and my dad said, 'You peed on the table.'"

https://twitter.com/tiffanybeltonn/status/1004060273525719040

135. "What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? Attire."

https://twitter.com/dadtellsjokes/status/1004189080714956800

136. "My friend and I are started a new band, and we've decided to call ourselves Duvet. We do covers."

https://twitter.com/AidenHatfield/status/1003924387177816067

137. "I tried to get reservations to a library but they were completely booked."

https://twitter.com/dadtellsjokes/status/1002200454028316672

138. "Do you think the people who climb Mount Everest....ever rest?"

https://incorrect-youtuber-ego-quotes.tumblr.com/post/171690909094/patton-logan-logan-yes-patton-do-you-think

139. "If a snake married a mortician, what would their bath towels say? Hiss and Hearse."

https://twitter.com/dadtellsjokes/status/1004571322779873280

140. "Which days are the strongest? Saturdays and Sundays. The rest are weak days."

http://punforfun.tumblr.com/post/154620212729/which-days-are-the-strongest-saturdays-and

141. "How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh? Nothing, it's on the house."

https://twitter.com/dadtellsjokes/status/1001964159297376264

142. "I read a history of sandpaper recently...The guy who invented it wasn't sure how to go about it but he had a rough idea."

https://twitter.com/First_Jimothy/status/1002971873662119936

143. "The only thing flat earthers have to fear...is sphere itself."

http://rallythedead.tumblr.com/post/168891453609/the-only-thing-flat-earthers-have-to-fear-is

144. "I wanted to make a joke about leeches but it sucked."

https://twitter.com/IncredibleCulk/status/1002378809536999424

145. "Did you now there's a breed of dog that gets sad if you feed it cantaloupe? It's a melon collie."

https://twitter.com/MuslimIQ/status/1003612868691087361

146. "You know why bros call each other bras? It's because bros support each other."

https://twitter.com/TigerSquat/status/1001501688031657984

147. "What do you call it when a hotel mattress is ruined from too much vacation sex? Spring break."

https://twitter.com/Varanis_Ridari/status/1001298462233710592

148. "What's a ghost's favorite dessert? Créme boo-lée."

https://twitter.com/dadtellsjokes/status/1001653847725690880

149. "I feel like I'm dying inside." "Go outside."

https://twitter.com/drankturpentine/status/1003382279425515520

150. "What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke? Puns are not always apparent."

https://twitter.com/BrodieNBCS/status/1003157584570994688

151. "I wanted to go to the ER for an allergic reaction, but my dad said, 'Let's not make any rash decisions.'"

https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/3j7wtx/perfect_dad_joke_execution/

u/coaz

152. "You can't plan flowers if you haven't botany."

https://punstars.tumblr.com/post/187782772830


Punstars/Tumblr

153. "I don't consider myself hip. I'm shoulder."

https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/1rs0vy/its_a_joint_effort/

u/popemichael

154. "You've heard of Harrison Ford, what about Balddad Toyota?"

https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/3jlf51/i_dont_know_how_this_meme_started_but_i_like_it/


u/Lukebekz

155. "I tell dad joke but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa."

https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/6cn6yv/dad_jokes_with_no_kids/

u/TheCykaNeverStops


156. "My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It's live I've never seen herbivore."

https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/cen1kh/dad_jokes/

u/ExpertAccident

157.

u/TheSpaceYoteReturns / Via reddit.com

158. "What did one oceans say to the other ocean? Nothing, it just waved."

https://twitter.com/MattJackson13/status/874101221665128448

159. "My sister's middle name is Jean and my dad always writes 'to Pants' on her birthday presents."

https://twitter.com/ChrisZander96/status/874292717181861888

160. "What did the fireman name his two sons? José and Hose B."

https://twitter.com/ElamEnaveh/status/874277389097893888

161. "What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick."

https://twitter.com/ChickenWings56/status/870842333738160128

162. "If I get an antipasto and pasta...will I still be hungry?"

https://twitter.com/amandarl927/status/870787005625626625

163. "How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one, or two? One...or two? One.........or two?"

https://twitter.com/DaddingAround/status/872427561623670784

164. "I saw a sign by the road that said END ROAD WORK and thought, 'Wow, people will protest anything these days.'"

https://twitter.com/chris_germano/status/870434586530021380

165. "Why did Karl Mark dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft."

166. "Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels."

https://twitter.com/GreenEggPage/status/869539428724854785

167. "What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter."

https://twitter.com/DaddingAround/status/871465727613706240

168. "RIP, boiled water. You will be mist."

http://ubercream.tumblr.com/

169. "What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing, it just let out a little wine."

https://twitter.com/DCPAGirl/status/777867416089092096

170. "I heard diarrhea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans."

http://slutbitch101.tumblr.com/post/32736618726/i-heard-diarrhea-is-hereditary-it-runs-in-your

171. At a funeral: "Do you mind if I say a word? Plethora." "Thanks, that means a lot."

http://twitter.com/allielia

172. "I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature."

https://twitter.com/Tamahllama/status/865812656648671233

173. "I wrote a song about a tortilla...actually it's more of a wrap."

http://d0nn0.co.vu/

174. "Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands."

http://est-offensa-et-mirari.tumblr.com

175. "What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long? A python."

http://cloysterbell.tumblr.com/

176. "What is the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk, because it's pasteurized before you see it."

http://reddit.com/user/drake_pancake

177. "Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store."

https://twitter.com/teamtypist/status/862585572908552194

178. "Rick Astley willlet you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up."

http://illustry1120.tumblr.com/post/39282843865/rick-astley-will-let-you-borrow-any-movie-from-his

179. "I sympathize with batteries. I’m never included in anything either."

 (Reddit)

180. "Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate. They believe it's Pharaoh Roche."

 (Reddit)

181. "What did the priest shout at the salad bar? LETTUCE PRAY!"

 (Reddit)

182. "People often accuse me of stealing other's jokes and being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine."

 (Reddit)

183. "My son's math teacher called him average. I think he's mean."

 (Reddit)

184. "You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water. If it floats, it's a boy ant."

 (Reddit)

185. "Why was the broom late? It overswept!"

 (Twitter)

186. "Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don’t work."

 (Reddit)

187. "What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent ft. Nickelback."

 (Reddit)

188. What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life has no point!

189. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed!

190. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!

191. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker!

192. Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the Hell out of it!

193. What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves!

 (Reddit)

194. Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

 (Reddit)

195. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.

 (Reddit)

196. Wanna know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

http://kindgf.tumblr.com/?ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.buzzfeed.com%2Fagh%2Fhalloween-jokes%3Futm_term%3D.wwlpGalaD

197. "Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood."

198. Dracula and Frankenstein had a fight. Who won? Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks.

199. "Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts."

https://twitter.com/Gia_Vang/status/918352813859659777

200. Where do college-aged vampires like to shop? Forever 21.

201. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.

https://twitter.com/MagazineofMaine/status/520665352100122624

202. What did Betty the Horse go as on Halloween? A night mare.

203. "Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable."

204. When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

https://twitter.com/ClassicDadMoves/status/849634470936408064

205. "I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!"

206. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

207. Why did everyone think Mr. Jones was rich? Because he gave every kid who came to his door 100 Grand.

208. Why did the mass murderer lose faith in the Democratic Party? He wanted more gore.

209. Why did the ghost take his new girlfriend to his hometown. He wanted his boo to see his old haunts.

210. If you think Thursdays are depressing, just wait two days. It'll be a sadder day.

MisterMajik2000

211. I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was AMAZING.

Storm_Shadow

212. George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.

Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

ChatchaAtcha

213. I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

You might not believe me, but it's true! I saw it with my own eyes.

ChewyNutCluster

214. What do you call a crocodile that is also a detective?

An investi-gator.

Faiz_Clan

215. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

FlyingByNight

216. What do you do if you see a fireman?

Put it out, man!

via 7in7

217. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?

Joke, joke, joooooooooooooke.

chucklesnatas

218. I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

Po1sonator

219. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

220. What do you say to your sister when she's crying?

"Are you having a cri-sis?"

BassWizard420

221. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

222. How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

jaypo822

223. Not only is my new thesaurus terrible...

...it's also terrible.

itman290

224. What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises!

When do we want them? NNNNNEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

Hamburgler007

225. A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, "How much do you charge?"

The lawyer says, "$5,000 for three questions."

"Wow, that's pretty expensive, isn't it?" the man asks.

"Yes," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

ZinMan

226. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

raydeep

227. What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.

jamesallen1977

228. Apparently you can't use "beef stew" as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

TheAmericanWay1597

229. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know which one comes first.

JohnathanWickers

230. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.

231. Why shouldn't you play board games in the savanna? There are too many cheetahs.

232. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

233. Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.

\

234. I don't buy velcro shoes. They're a total rip-off.

235. How do you get in touch with a Roman architect? You column.

236. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.

237. My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" to her. I said maybe.

https://twitter.com/dadsaysjokes/status/912056596536205312

238. "My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'"

NBC

—Rachel Gunther, Facebook

239. "My mom — after getting dressed to go out — asked my dad, 'How do I look?' He replied, 'With your eyes.'”

NBC

zoelc

240. "Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal."

Universal

—Barry Hansen, Facebook

241. "When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, 'Did you spray?' (as in did he spray the air freshener). His response? 'Nah, it was solid.'”

Comedy Central

242. "At a restaurant the waitress asked my husband if he'd like soup or salad. He responded, 'I don't want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.'"

Paramount

—Kristin D. Avalos, Facebook

243. "Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, ‘No, I’m half left.’"

NBC

adamjsd

244. "What did the horse say after it tripped? 'Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup.'"

NBC

—Bob Kern, Facebook

245. "My friend's mom to his little sister: 'Ava, calm down! Do you have a squirrel in your pants or something?' My friend's dad: 'I had a squirrel in my pants once. He was searching for nuts.'"

TBS

—Graham Crawley, Facebook

246. "When I was a kid I fell down on the sidewalk and the first thing my dad said was, 'Is the sidewalk okay?'"

kuro-kokoro.deviantart.com

—Rae Kelly, Facebook

247. "What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."

NBC

—Jeffrey Brandt, Facebook

248. "Whenever we'd drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, 'You know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!'"

NBC

—Rachel Hamilton Scott, Facebook

249. "My dad used to have to use a dictaphone at work. One day his boss asked him If he used his dictaphone, and my dad replied, 'No, I use my finger like everyone else!’"

250. "When my kids say, 'Can I ask you a question?' I reply, 'You just did.'"

ABC

—Jim Applebee, Facebook

251. "This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'"

CBS

—Precilla Bragg, Facebook

252. "My dad always yells 'Hey!' while driving past hay. If someone asks him 'What?' he yells 'Hey!' again. It usually takes four or five "heys" before they catch on."

Paramount

—Rob McCann, Facebook

253. "Whenever a server says, 'Sorry about your wait,' I reply, 'Are you saying I'm fat?'"

Warner Bros

shaunv2

254. "Every time my mom makes cinnamon buns, my dad comes into the kitchen and says, 'Sticky buns? I get those in the summer!'”

ABC

featherkm

255. "My dad is Japanese and pulled this one out on election day: 'This is a hard day to be Japanese with a language barrier. I showed up at the polling place with my pants down because I thought it was erection day.'"

Columbia

—Lil Fujiu, Facebook

256. "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!"

MGM

—Mark Dunn, Facebook

257. "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."

Thames Television

—Nicole Luder, Facebook

258. "My dad's last name is Fuller. Any time anyone says, 'Woo, I'm full!' he always responds, 'Well, I'm Fuller!'"

MTV

—Cheyenne Cookson, Facebook

259. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino."

NBC

—John McGaharan, Facebook

260. "I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why."

Comedy Central

—Joel Gough, Facebook

261. "My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, 'They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.'"

Buena Vista

—Warren Hicks, Facebook

262. My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, 'Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, 'What?' My dad then said, 'Cause you’re looking sharp!'”

New Line Cinema

263. What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry.

264. Parent #1: "Why is there a strange baby in the crib?"

Parent #2: "You told me to change the baby."

265. Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?

Data.

266. Why do we dress babies in onesies?

Because they can't dress themselves.

267. A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear.

Unless it is 3 a.m., you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.

268. Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby?

Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.

269. Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m."

Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."

270. What do you call a new baby monkey?

A chimp off the old block.

271. Why can't a parent change a light bulb?

Because they don't make diapers small enough.

272. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep?

You rocket.

273. There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why?

It was the delivery.

274. What did the new parent say upon seeing "16-28 pounds" on the side of the diaper box?

"That's one huge bowel movement."

275. How can you tell if a snake is a baby?

It has a rattle.

276. Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid?

Manuel.

277. How did the baby know she was ready to be born?

She was running out of womb.

278. When at night do parents change the most diapers?

In the wee wee hours.

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