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257 Dad Jokes That Are So Bad They're Actually Good

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Because the "p" is silent.

We recently asked the members of BuzzFeed Community to share their favorite dad joke with us. We added in more of our favorites from Reddit and Twitter, too — and the results were groan-tastic.

1. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

2. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.

u/anonymous

3. I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.

apgp123

4. If a child doesn't want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Achiles_Heals

5. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, "You."

6. I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Window or aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you’ll what?"

u/nandos677

7. Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark.

8. My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, "Be positive," but it's hard without him.

u/professorf

9. The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.

10. I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said, "That means it's pasture bedtime."

u/ArchipelagoMind

11. My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.

12. I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.

u/JBiff09

13. What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.

14. I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.

u/AlabamaMayan

15. How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First a tractor.

16. I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No…it’s to look at."

u/honolulu_oahu_mod

17. I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

18. I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I replied, "Sure...they’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair."

u/madazzahatter

19. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.

20. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels!

GreenEggPage

21. I usually don’t believe politicians, but everything the Canadian prime minister says is Trudeau!

Sabronis77

22. Humans are born with four kidneys. When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

u/NotObnoxious

23. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

24. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.

u/Ramzee24

25. When I was a kid I fell down on the sidewalk and the first thing my dad said was, "Is the sidewalk okay?"

26. "The average person is really mean."

u/o0oo00oo0o

27. "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"

28. Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.

u/Hana-Chi

29. Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime.

30. I'd never let my children watch the orchestra. There's too much sax and violins.

u/theDwarfed

31. My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.

32. My son told me he didn't understand cloning. I told him, "That makes two of us."

u/26326312

33. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

34. I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.

u/porichoygupto

35. My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, "What’s wrong?" She screamed, "These contractions are going to kill me!" "I am sorry, honey," I replied. "What is wrong?"

u/Bakedschwarzenbach

36. I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

37. My favorite time on the clock is 6:30. Hands down.

imabadassinmymind

38. I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.

39. That’s a pretty good ceiling. It’s not the best, but it’s up there!

papahet1

40. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

mayor123asdf

41. Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup? [In a thick Irish brogue.] Because one more would be too farty!

pain_in_your_ass

42. What's green and smells like red paint? Green paint.

Algum

43. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.

44. If I have leftover food at a restaurant and the waiter asks, "Do you want a box for that?" I always respond, "I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it!" They never laugh.

Astuary-Queen

45. Did you know that if a piano falls on you, your head will B-flat?

Vadelmayer44

46. I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, "Do you want to hear today’s special?" I said, "Yes, please," so he replied, "No problem, sir. Today is special."

47. Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

u/Swaggerkid_2005

48. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

Teswhaaat

49. Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate. They believe it's Pharaoh Roche.

u/woodceilingfan

50. My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, "Sure, my door is always open."

51. Archaeologists digging in a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts. They believe it is Pharaoh Rocher.

u/aabesh

52. Anytime I'm with a group of people where we have drinks served with straws, I'll pass out the straws one by one, and on the last one I say, "All right, that's the last straw!"

Klown1327

53. *Dad putting car in reverse.*

Dad: "Ahh, this takes me back."

Hkatsupreme

54. "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."

55. Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?" Not Dad: "No." Dad: *reaches over and touches sleeve* "It is now!"

Cheese_Pancakes

56. At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?" Me: "Sure, just stay away from those trees over there."Girls: "Umm...OK, why?" Me: "I don't know...they look a little shady to me."

Fleurdelis502

57. One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on.

58. Host at a restaurant: “Do you have reservations?” Dad: “Yeah, but I think we’ll still eat here.”

OvaltineDeathFantasy

59. *Dad buying fake Christmas tree* Cashier: “Are you going to put it up yourself?”Dad: “Don’t be disgusting...I’m going to put it up in the living room.”

HippieMermaid420

60. Dad: "Someone among us is an owl." Me: "Who?"Dad: *narrows eyes suspiciously*

Prestigious_Pringle

61. I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.

akaShadezz11

62. What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.

63. I haven't been to the gym in so long I've gone back to calling it James.

damndingashrubbery

64. A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store.

aworldwithoutshrimp

65. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!

66. Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Photon_Torpedophile

67. Dad at lunch: “Do you have anything cheap cuz I’m not that hungry.” Waiter: "Well, maybe the chicken strips for $6.”Dad: “Well, maybe it does, but that doesn’t help my hunger."


Sjkxism

68. What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

69. You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it.

Fo_eyed_dog

70. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

ProtectedCesc

71. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

72. Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant." Husband to wife, trying to be funny: "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad." Wife: "No, you're not."

llcucf80

73. You know Orion’s Belt? Big waist of space, huh? Didn’t like that joke? That’s okay...it’s only got 3 stars.

MoonBasic

74. "I wanted to make a joke about leaches but it sucked."

IncredibleCulk

75. Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.

Vlaed

76. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!

77. Someone broke in last night and stole all my antidepressants. I hope they’re happy.

WhatAboutMason

78. I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.

Moleskin21

79. My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces.

80. What genre are national anthems? Country.

u/rupanath97

81. A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. "That’s one too many!" says the customer. The clerk replies, "It’s a freebie."

82. Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.

u/AlabamaMayan

83. My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars...and came home to us a seasoned veteran.

u/HugoZHackenbush2

84. I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.

85. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars, except for the duck.

civilesk

86. I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get.

u/FinalCaveat

87. Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their sides? So when they come into port, you can Scandinavian.

rachelp463623861

88. "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'"

89. Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make everything up.

– rachelk4f0870d51

90. Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!

91. What condition does a noodle have when it isn't feel like it's good enough? Impasta syndrome.

– tarakwantk

92. Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

93. Did you hear about that really great farmer? He was out standing in his field.

racheld4ab4d7479

94. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

– emilyj4b36f6c19

95. What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam!

– keelyg

96. What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice belt."

– Brittany

97. Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

98. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.

– jasminedeleon

99. A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!

100. What’s the scariest plant in the jungle? Bam-BOO.

lauran4e28a7dfb

101. A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

102. What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.

103. I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.

104. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.

105. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

106. A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "Why would you name a drink Charlie?"

107. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

108. The mama buffalo dropped off her son off at school. What did she say? "Bison!"

109. Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.

110. What happened to the exorcist's car? It got repossessed.

111. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm — and put it on my bill."

112. What did the baby corn say to mama corn? "Where’s popcorn?"

113. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

114. What did the grape say when t was crushed? Nothing—it just let out a little wine.

Donna_Coulling

115. When’s a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

116. My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, "They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast."

117. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!

118. Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.

119. Me: Dad, make me a sandwich! Dad: Poof, you’re a sandwich!

120. The other day I saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.

121. Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I press here, here and here." Doctor: "I know exactly what ails you!" Patient: "What is it, doctor?" Doctor: "You have a broken finger!"

122. The first French fries were not fried in France. They were fried in Greece.

CoryRitter

123. My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, "Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, "What?" My dad then said, "Cause you’re looking sharp!”

124. My mom dropped a pea on the table and my dad said “you peed on the table.”

shoptiffanyjean

125. Which days are the strongest? Saturdays and Sundays. The rest are weak days.

punforfun

126. I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

127. I read a history of sandpaper recently. The guy who invented it wasn't sure how to go about it but he had a rough idea.

First_Jimothy

128. The only thing flat Earthers have to fear... is sphere itself.

rallythedead

129. "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."

130. You know why bros call each other bras? It’s because bros support each other.

TigerSquat

131. What do you call it when a hotel mattress is ruined from too much vacation sex? Spring break.

Varanis_Ridari

132. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

133. Difference between a pun and a Dad Joke? Puns are not always apparent.

BrodieNBCS

134. I don't consider myself hip. I'm like...shoulder.

u/popemichael

135. My dad always yells "Hey!" while driving past hay. If someone asks him "What?" he yells "Hey!" again. It usually takes four or five "heys" before they catch on.

136. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.

u/punstars

137. You've heard of Harrison Ford. Get ready for BaldDad Toyota.

u/Lukebekz

138. I got an email from Google saying, "At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!" and I thought, "That's just spam!"

139. I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.

u/TheCykaNeverStops

140. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

141. My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.

u/ExpertAccident

142. My Sister's middle name is Jean and on her birthday my dad always writes "To Pants" on her birthday presents.

fakeChrisZander

143. What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

mochaqueen316

144. I saw a sign by the road that said "END ROAD WORK" and thought wow people will protest anything these days.

chris_germano

145. Why did Karl Mark dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

146. "Every time my mom makes cinnamon buns, my dad comes into the kitchen and says, 'Sticky buns? I get those in the summer!'”

147. I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature.

Tamahllama

148. Were does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store.

cooltureph_

149. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

illustry1120

150. I sympathize with batteries. I’m never included in anything either.

u/jhabibs

151. What did the priest shout at the salad bar? LETTUCE PRAY!

u/anonymous

152. This old guy I knew would always say, "You know what really burns my ass?" He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, "A fire about this high."

153. You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water. If they float, they're boy ant.

u/kristhebrown

154. What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!

155. Why was the broom late? It overswept!

tracydavidson27

156. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent ft. Nickelback.

u/twofirstkinds

157. What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life has no point!

158. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed!

159. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker!

160. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.

161. Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the Hell out of it!

162. Whenever we'd drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, "You know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!"

163. Where did George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies!

u/tikitessie

164. Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, "Do you know why I can’t be buried there?" And we all say, "Why not?" And he says, "Because I’m not dead yet!"

165. Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.

166. Dracula and Frankenstein had a fight. Who won? Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks.

167. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.

Gia_Vang

168. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup."

169. Where do college-aged vampires like to shop? Forever 21.

170. When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, "Did you spray?" (as in did he spray the air freshener). His response? "Nah, it was solid."

171. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.

MagazineofMaine

172. What did Betty the Horse go as on Halloween? A night mare.

173. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.

174. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

175. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

176. My dad used to have to use a dictaphone at work. One day his boss asked him If he used his dictaphone, and my dad replied, 'No, I use my finger like everyone else!’

177. Why did everyone think Mr. Jones was rich? Because he gave every kid who came to his door 100 Grand.

178. Why did the mass murderer lose faith in the Democratic Party? He wanted more gore.

179. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels

180. Why did the ghost take his new girlfriend to his hometown. He wanted his boo to see his old haunts.

181. What do you call two 100-year-old buffalo? Bison-tennial.

182. "When my kids say, 'Can I ask you a question?' I reply, 'You just did.'"

183. If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days. It will be a sadder day.

u/mistermajik2000

184. Two satellite dishes got married. The wedding wasn't all that great but the reception was awesome!

u/Storm-Shadow

185. I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.

186. George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. Clooney said, "I'll direct." Dicaprio said, "I'll produce." And McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

u/Chacha_Atcha

187. What do you call a crocodile that is a detective? An investi-gator.

u/Faiz_Clan

188. "At a restaurant the waitress asked my husband if he'd like soup or salad. He responded, 'I don't want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.'"

189. What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.

u/FlyingByNight

190. What do you do if you see a fireman? Put it out, man.

u/7in7

191. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooke.

u/chucklesnatas

192. My dad’s name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, "Dad, I’m full," he always replies, "No, I’m full; you're Ruby."

193. When at night do parents change the most diapers? In the wee wee hours.

194. I have submitted 10 jokes now trying to reach the front page...no pun in ten did.

u/Po1sonator

195. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

196. Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

197. What do you say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you having a crisis?"

u/BassWizard420

198. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

199. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!

200. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

201. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.

u/jaypo822

202. "Whenever a server says, 'Sorry about your wait,' I reply, 'Are you saying I'm fat?'"

203. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.

u/itman290

204. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises. When do we want it? Neeeooooooow!

u/hamburgler007

205. A man walks into lawyer's office and asks, "How much for a consultation?" "Three questions for $150 bucks." "Kinda steep, isn't it?" "Yeah, now what's your last question."

u/ZinMan

206. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

207. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep?

You rocket.

208. "What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."

209. What do you call a magician who lost their magic? Ian.

u/anonymous

210. Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

u/TheAmericanWay1597

211. "My mom — after getting dressed to go out — asked my dad, 'How do I look?' He replied, 'With your eyes.'”

212. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

u/JohnathanWickers

213. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.

214. Why shouldn't you play board games in the savanna? There are too many cheetahs.

215. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.

216. "Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, ‘No, I’m half left.’"

217. Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.

218. I don't buy velcro shoes. They're a total rip-off.

219. "Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal."

220. How do you get in touch with a Roman architect?

You column.

221. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.

222. My wife asked me to stop singing wonderwall to her. I said maybe.

Dadsaysjokes

223. "I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why."

224. What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

u/raydeep

225. Are you feeling cold? Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.

pwningprincess

226. "My dad is Japanese and pulled this one out on election day: 'This is a hard day to be Japanese with a language barrier. I showed up at the polling place with my pants down because I thought it was erection day.'"

227. I don't know why Marvel hasn't tried to put advertisements on the Hulk. He's essentially a giant banner.

reallyfunnyshortjokes

228. "My friend's mom to his little sister: 'Ava, calm down! Do you have a squirrel in your pants or something?' My friend's dad: 'I had a squirrel in my pants once. He was searching for nuts.'"

229. What do you call a group of baby soldiers? An infantry.

230. Parent #1: "Why is there a strange baby in the crib?" Parent #2: "You told me to change the baby."

231. Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man? Data.

232. Why do we dress babies in onesies? Because they can't dress themselves.

233. A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear. Unless it is 3 a.m., you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.

234. Me: "Hey, I was thinking…
" My dad: "I thought I smelled something burning."

235. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one, or two? One.....or two? One.....or two?

DaddingAround

236. "What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."

237. Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby? Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.

238. Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m." Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."

239. What do you call a new baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

240. "My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'"

241. Why can't a parent change a light bulb? Because they don't make diapers small enough.

242. "My dad's last name is Fuller. Any time anyone says, 'Woo, I'm full!' he always responds, 'Well, I'm Fuller!'"

243. There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why? It was the delivery.

244. What did the new parent say upon seeing "16-28 pounds" on the side of the diaper box? "That's one huge bowel movement."

245. How can you tell if a snake is a baby? It has a rattle.

246. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit," and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it."

247. Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid? Manuel.

248. "My daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said, 'Hello, sir, I'm David. Nice to meet you.' He put out his hand and I said, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no, so I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'"

249. How did the baby know she was ready to be born? She was running out of womb.

250. I can cut a piece of wood in half by just looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

u/ChewyNutCluster

251. We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!"

252. 3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.

u/Bomaworst69

253. Why did Karen press CTRL+ ALT+ DELETE? Because she wanted to see the task manager.

u/dixonjpeg

254. "Why did Piglet have his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh."

u/Sad_Refrigerator_1

255. What do you call a dinosaur that asks a lot of deep questions? A philosiraptor.

u/cockneybastard

256. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

257. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?

u/cockneybastard