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We recently asked the members of BuzzFeed Community to share their favorite dad joke with us. We added in more of our favorites from Reddit and Twitter, too — and the results were groan-tastic.
By the end of this post you'll be wearing socks with sandals and getting ready to fire up the grill. Let's get to it!
1. I wanted to be a doctor, I just didn't have the patients.
2. What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved.
3. What’d the wall say to the other wall? Meet you at the corner.
4. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It has great food but no atmosphere.
5. Why is Yoda such a good gardener? He has green thumbs.
6. I decided to link all my wristwatches together and make a belt. It was a real waist of time.
7. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
8. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.
9. 5/4 of people admit that they're bad with fractions.
10. Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight and 2021.
11. I lost 25% of my roof last night...oof.
12. If a child doesn't want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
13. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, "You."
14. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising?
15. My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, "Be positive," but it's hard without him.
16. The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.
17. I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said, "That means it's pasture bedtime."
18. My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
19. I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.
20. What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.
21. I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.
22. How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.
23. I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No…it’s to look at."
24. I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
25. I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I replied, "Sure...they’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair."
26. I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
27. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bagels!
28. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
29. I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Window or aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you’ll what?"
30. I usually don’t believe politicians...everything the Canadian prime minister says is Trudeau!
31. Humans are born with four kidneys. When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
32. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
33. "The average person is really mean."
34. Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark.
35. "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"
36. Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
37. Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime.
38. I'd never let my children watch the orchestra. There's too much sax and violins.
39. My son told me he didn't understand cloning. I told him, "That makes two of us."
40. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
41. My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.
42. I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.
43. My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, "What’s wrong?" She screamed, "These contractions are going to kill me!" "I am sorry, honey," I replied. "What is wrong?"
44. I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
45. I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
46. My favorite time on the clock is 6:30. Hands down.
47. That’s a pretty good ceiling. It’s not the best, but it’s up there!
48. What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
49. Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup? [In a thick Irish brogue.] Because one more would be too farty!
50. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.
51. What's green and smells like red paint? Green paint.
52. Did you know that if a piano falls on you, your head will B-flat?
53. I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, "Do you want to hear today’s special?" I said, "Yes, please," so he replied, "No problem, sir. Today is special."
54. Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
55. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
56. Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate. They believe it's Pharaoh Roche.
57. My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, "Sure, my door is always open."
58. Anytime I'm with a group of people where we have drinks served with straws, I'll pass out the straws one by one, and on the last one I say, "All right, that's the last straw!"
59. *Dad putting car in reverse.* "Ahh, this takes me back."
60. "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."
"I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though."
61. Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?" Not Dad: "No." Dad: *reaches over and touches sleeve* "It is now!"
62. At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?" Me: "Sure, just stay away from those trees over there."Girls: "Umm...OK, why?" Me: "I don't know...they look a little shady to me."
63. Host at a restaurant: “Do you have reservations?” Dad: “Yeah, but I think we’ll still eat here.”
64. Dad: "Someone among us is an owl." Me: "Who?" Dad: *narrows eyes suspiciously*
65. I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.
66. What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
67. I haven't been to the gym in so long I've gone back to calling it James.
68. A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store.
69. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
70. Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.
71. What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
72. You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it.
73. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
74. You know Orion’s Belt? Big waist of space, huh? Didn’t like that joke? That’s okay...it’s only got 3 stars.
75. I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked.
76. Why do graveyards have gates? Because people are dying to get in.
77. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
78. Someone broke in last night and stole all my antidepressants. I hope they’re happy.
79. I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.
80. My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces.
81. What genre are national anthems? Country.
82. A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. "That’s one too many!" says the customer. The clerk replies, "It’s a freebie."
83. Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.
84. My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars...and came home to us a seasoned veteran.
85. When I was a kid, I fell down on the sidewalk and the first thing my dad said was, "Is the sidewalk okay?"
86. I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.
87. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars, except for the duck.
88. I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get.
89. Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their sides? So when they come into port, you can Scandinavian.
90. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."
91. Why can you never trust an atom? Because they make everything up.
92. Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!
93. What condition does a noodle have when it isn't feel like it's good enough? Impasta syndrome.
94. Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
95. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
96. What did the fish say when he hit the wall? "Dam!"
97. What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice belt."
98. Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
99. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
100. What’s the scariest plant in the jungle? Bam-BOO.
101. A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
102. What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
103. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
104. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
105. A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "Why would you name a drink Charlie?"
106. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
107. The mama buffalo dropped off her son off at school. What did she say? "Bison!"
108. Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.
109. What happened to the exorcist's car? It got repossessed.
110. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm — and put it on my bill."
111. What did the baby corn say to mama corn? "Where’s popcorn?"
112. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
113. What did the grape say when it was crushed? Nothing—it just let out a little wine.
114. When’s a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
115. My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, "They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast."
116. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!
117. Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
118. Me: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" Dad: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!"
119. The other day I saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.
120. The first French fries were not fried in France. They were fried in Greece.
121. My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, "Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, "What?" My dad then said, "Cause you’re looking sharp!”
122. My mom dropped a pea on the table and my dad said, “You peed on the table.”
123. Which days are the strongest? Saturdays and Sundays. The rest are weak days.
124. I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
125. I read a history of sandpaper recently. The guy who invented it wasn't sure how to go about it, but he had a rough idea.
126. The only thing flat Earthers have to fear...is sphere itself.
127. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
128. What's the difference between a pun and a dad joke? Puns are not always apparent.
129. I don't consider myself hip. I'm like...shoulder.
130. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.
131. You've heard of Harrison Ford. Get ready for BaldDad Toyota.
132. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
133. I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.
134. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
135. My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
136. What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
137. I saw a sign by the road that said "END ROAD WORK" and thought, Wow, people will protest anything these days.
138. Why did Karl Mark dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
139. I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature.
140. Were does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store.
141. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
142. I sympathize with batteries. I’m never included in anything either.
143. What did the priest shout at the salad bar? LETTUCE PRAY!
144. This old guy I knew would always say, "You know what really burns my ass?" He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, "A fire about this high."
145. You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water. If they float, they're a boy ant.
146. What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!
147. Why was the broom late? It overswept!
148. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent ft. Nickelback.
149. What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life has no point.
150. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed.
151. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker.
152. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
153. Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!
154. Whenever we'd drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, "You know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!"
155. Where did George Washington keep his armies? In his sleevies!
156. Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, "Do you know why I can’t be buried there?" And we all say, "Why not?" And he says, "Because I’m not dead yet!"
157. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? He didn’t have the guts.
158. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup."
159. Where do college-aged vampires like to shop? Forever 21.
160. When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, "Did you spray?" (as in did he spray the air freshener). His response? "Nah, it was solid."
161. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.
162. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind…it’s tearable.
163. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
164. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
165. Why did everyone think Mr. Jones was rich? Because he gave every kid who came to his door 100 Grand.
166. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
167. Why did the ghost take his new girlfriend to his hometown. He wanted his boo to see his old haunts.
168. What do you call two 100-year-old buffalo? Bison-tennial.
169. When my kids say, "Can I ask you a question?" I reply, "You just did."
170. If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days. It will be a sadder day.
171. Two satellite dishes got married. The wedding wasn't all that great but the reception was awesome!
172. George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. Clooney said, "I'll direct." Dicaprio said, "I'll produce." And McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
173. What do you call a crocodile that is a detective? An investi-gator.
174. What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.
175. What do you do if you see a fireman? Put it out, man.
176. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooke.
177. When at night do parents change the most diapers? In the wee wee hours.
178. I have submitted 10 jokes now trying to reach the front page...no pun in ten did.
179. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
180. What do you say to your sister when she's crying? "Are you having a crisis?"
181. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
182. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!
183. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
184. How does NASA organize a party? They planet.
185. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.
186. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises. When do we want it? Neeeooooooow!
187. A man walks into lawyer's office and asks, "How much for a consultation?" "Three questions for $150 bucks." "Kinda steep, isn't it?" "Yeah, now what's your last question."
188. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
189. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep? You rocket.
190. What do you call a magician who lost their magic? Ian.
191. Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
192. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
193. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.
194. Why shouldn't you play board games in the savanna? There are too many cheetahs.
195. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.
196. Not Dad: "Are you alright?" Dad: "No, I’m half left."
197. Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.
198. I don't buy Velcro shoes. They're a total rip-off.
199. How do you get in touch with a Roman architect? You column.
200. I like the name Brie, but it's a little cheesy.
201. Did you see they made round bales of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal.
202. My wife asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' to her. I said maybe.
203. What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.
204. Are you feeling cold? Sit in the corner, it is 90 degrees.
205. I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.
206. What do you call a group of baby soldiers? An infantry.
207. Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man? Data.
208. Why do we dress babies in onesies? Because they can't dress themselves.
209. A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear. Unless it is 3 am, you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.
210. Me: "Hey, I was thinking… " My dad: "I thought I smelled something burning."
211. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one, or two? One.....or two? One.....or two?
212. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
213. Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger, Mr. Bigger, or their baby? Their baby — because he's a little Bigger.
214. Parent to her friend: "I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m." Friend: "It's probably not good to keep a baby up that late."
215. What do you call a new baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.
216. Grocery store checker: "Paper or plastic?" Dad: "Either, I'm bisacktual."
217. Why can't a parent change a light bulb? Because they don't make diapers small enough.
218. There was a dad who tried to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh once. Know why? It was the delivery.
219. What did the new parent say upon seeing "16-28 pounds" on the side of the diaper box? "That's one huge bowel movement."
220. How can you tell if a snake is a baby? It has a rattle.
221. We just bought our new dream house, and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww, sweetie...stairs don't talk!"
222. Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid? Manuel.
223. How did the baby know she was ready to be born? She was running out of womb.
224. I can cut a piece of wood in half by just looking at it. I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
225. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
