1. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
2. I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. Turns out customers don't appreciate it when you go the extra mile.
5. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, "You."
6. I think the girl at the airline's check-in just threatened me. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Window or aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you’ll what?"
7. Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree? They had a long conversation about bark.
8. My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting, "Be positive," but it's hard without him.
9. The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said, "Happy...," and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said, "...40-second birthday." I was so proud.
10. I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?" I said, "That means it's pasture bedtime."
11. My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...she got mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again.
12. I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.
13. What has five toes but isn't your foot? My foot.
14. I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and now conducting himself properly.
15. How do you get a farm girl to marry you? First, a tractor.
16. I built a model of Mount Everest, and my son asked, "Is it to scale?" I replied, "No…it’s to look at."
17. I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
18. I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I replied, "Sure...they’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair."
19. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
21. I usually don’t believe politicians, but everything the Canadian prime minister says is Trudeau!
22. Humans are born with four kidneys. When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
23. Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
25. When I was a kid I fell down on the sidewalk and the first thing my dad said was, "Is the sidewalk okay?"
27. "I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, 'Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?!'"
28. Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
29. Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old. Those are the years you're in your prime.
31. My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry, I'll be back.
33. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
34. I just saw my wife trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes. I watched it all unfold.
35. My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, "What’s wrong?" She screamed, "These contractions are going to kill me!" "I am sorry, honey," I replied. "What is wrong?"
36. I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
38. I have a Russian friend who’s a sound engineer. And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
41. Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup? [In a thick Irish brogue.] Because one more would be too farty!
43. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire.
44. If I have leftover food at a restaurant and the waiter asks, "Do you want a box for that?" I always respond, "I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it!" They never laugh.
46. I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, "Do you want to hear today’s special?" I said, "Yes, please," so he replied, "No problem, sir. Today is special."
47. Sex is like a card game. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
49. Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate. They believe it's Pharaoh Roche.
50. My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back, "Sure, my door is always open."
51. Anytime I'm with a group of people where we have drinks served with straws, I'll pass out the straws one by one, and on the last one I say, "All right, that's the last straw!"
53. "The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge."
54. Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?" Not Dad: "No." Dad: *reaches over and touches sleeve* "It is now!"
55. At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?" Me: "Sure, just stay away from those trees over there."Girls: "Umm...OK, why?" Me: "I don't know...they look a little shady to me."
56. One night an airplane was burglarized, and all the toilet paper was stolen. When the police came to investigate, their report was inconclusive, because they had nothing to go on.
57. Host at a restaurant: “Do you have reservations?” Dad: “Yeah, but I think we’ll still eat here.”
58. *Dad buying fake Christmas tree* Cashier: “Are you going to put it up yourself?”Dad: “Don’t be disgusting...I’m going to put it up in the living room.”
59. Dad: "Someone among us is an owl." Me: "Who?"Dad: *narrows eyes suspiciously*
61. What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1.
63. A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store.
64. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
66. Dad at lunch: “Do you have anything cheap cuz I’m not that hungry.” Waiter: "Well, maybe the chicken strips for $6.”Dad: “Well, maybe it does, but that doesn’t help my hunger."
67. What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.
68. You know why you never see an elephant hiding in a tree? Because they’re very good at it.
70. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
71. Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant." Husband to wife, trying to be funny: "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad." Wife: "No, you're not."
72. You know Orion’s Belt? Big waist of space, huh? Didn’t like that joke? That’s okay...it’s only got 3 stars.
75. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
76. Someone broke in last night and stole all my antidepressants. I hope they’re happy.
78. My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces.
80. A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. "That’s one too many!" says the customer. The clerk replies, "It’s a freebie."
81. Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I.C.U.
82. My grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas attacks in two wars...and came home to us a seasoned veteran.
83. I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...straightaway, I knew he was a keeper.
84. What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have handlebars, except for the duck.
85. I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get.
86. Why do ships in Norway have barcodes on their sides? So when they come into port, you can Scandinavian.
87. "A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'"
89. Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper? Because he had little patients!
90. What condition does a noodle have when it isn't feel like it's good enough? Impasta syndrome.
91. Why can you never hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
92. Did you hear about that really great farmer? He was out standing in his field.
93. What’s the difference between a piano and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
96. Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
98. A magic tractor was driving down the road when it turned into a field!
100. A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "We don't serve string here." So the string goes outside, twists himself up a bit, kind of roughs up his ends and walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Aren't you that little piece of string that was in here a few minutes ago?" The string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."
101. What do clouds wear? Thunderwear.
102. I tried to make up a joke about a ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
103. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
104. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
105. A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper said, "Why would you name a drink Charlie?"
106. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
107. The mama buffalo dropped off her son off at school. What did she say? "Bison!"
108. Why do cows have hooves? Because they lactose.
109. What happened to the exorcist's car? It got repossessed.
110. A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me some lip balm — and put it on my bill."
111. What did the baby corn say to mama corn? "Where’s popcorn?"
112. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
113. What did the grape say when t was crushed? Nothing—it just let out a little wine.
114. When’s a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
115. My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, "They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast."
116. Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines!
117. Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
118. Me: Dad, make me a sandwich! Dad: Poof, you’re a sandwich!
119. The other day I saw a baguette in a cage. It was bread in captivity.
120. Patient: "Doctor, it hurts when I press here, here and here." Doctor: "I know exactly what ails you!" Patient: "What is it, doctor?" Doctor: "You have a broken finger!"
122. My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, "Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, "What?" My dad then said, "Cause you’re looking sharp!”
125. I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint. Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
126. I read a history of sandpaper recently. The guy who invented it wasn't sure how to go about it but he had a rough idea.
128. "How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it."
130. What do you call it when a hotel mattress is ruined from too much vacation sex? Spring break.
131. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
134. My dad always yells "Hey!" while driving past hay. If someone asks him "What?" he yells "Hey!" again. It usually takes four or five "heys" before they catch on.
137. I got an email from Google saying, "At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!" and I thought, "That's just spam!"
139. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
140. My friend really changed once she became a vegetarian. It's like I've never seen herbivore.
141. My sister's middle name is Jean and on her birthday my dad always writes "To Pants" on her birthday presents.
143. I saw a sign by the road that said "END ROAD WORK" and thought wow people will protest anything these days.
144. Why did Karl Mark dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
145. "Every time my mom makes cinnamon buns, my dad comes into the kitchen and says, 'Sticky buns? I get those in the summer!'”
148. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
151. This old guy I knew would always say, "You know what really burns my ass?" He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, "A fire about this high."
152. You can actually tell the sex of an ant by dropping it in water. If they float, they're a boy ant.
153. What do you a row of bunnies moving backwards? A receding hare line!
156. What did the triangle say to the circle? Your life has no point!
157. How does an octopus go to war? Well-armed!
158. What do you call a programmer with a cold? A hacker!
159. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.
160. Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the Hell out of it!
161. Whenever we'd drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, "You know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!"
163. Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, "Do you know why I can’t be buried there?" And we all say, "Why not?" And he says, "Because I’m not dead yet!"
164. Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.
165. Dracula and Frankenstein had a fight. Who won? Frankenstein, because Dracula sucks.
167. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup."
168. Where do college-aged vampires like to shop? Forever 21.
169. When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, "Did you spray?" (as in did he spray the air freshener). His response? "Nah, it was solid."
171. What did Betty the Horse go as on Halloween? A night mare.
172. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.
173. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
174. Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
175. My dad used to have to use a dictaphone at work. One day his boss asked him If he used his dictaphone, and my dad replied, 'No, I use my finger like everyone else!’
176. Why did everyone think Mr. Jones was rich? Because he gave every kid who came to his door 100 Grand.
177. Why did the mass murderer lose faith in the Democratic Party? He wanted more gore.
178. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels
179. Why did the ghost take his new girlfriend to his hometown. He wanted his boo to see his old haunts.
180. What do you call two 100-year-old buffalo? Bison-tennial.
181. "When my kids say, 'Can I ask you a question?' I reply, 'You just did.'"
182. If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days. It will be a sadder day.
183. Two satellite dishes got married. The wedding wasn't all that great but the reception was awesome!
184. I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad, so I built them a small house. Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
185. George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. Clooney said, "I'll direct." Dicaprio said, "I'll produce." And McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
187. "At a restaurant the waitress asked my husband if he'd like soup or salad. He responded, 'I don't want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.'"
188. What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'? One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter.
190. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line. Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, jooooooooooke.
191. My dad’s name is Phil, and whenever I finish eating and say, "Dad, I’m full," he always replies, "No, I’m full; you're Ruby."
192. When at night do parents change the most diapers? In the wee wee hours.
193. I have submitted 10 jokes now trying to reach the front page...no pun in ten did.
194. I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
195. Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
197. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
198. What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasabi!
199. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
201. "Whenever a server says, 'Sorry about your wait,' I reply, 'Are you saying I'm fat?'"
203. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises. When do we want it? Neeeooooooow!
204. A man walks into lawyer's office and asks, "How much for a consultation?" "Three questions for $150 bucks." "Kinda steep, isn't it?" "Yeah, now what's your last question."
205. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
206. How do you get an astronaut's baby to sleep?
209. "My mom — after getting dressed to go out — asked my dad, 'How do I look?' He replied, 'With your eyes.'”
211. Why did the coffee call the police? It got mugged.
212. Why shouldn't you play board games in the savanna? There are too many cheetahs.
213. My dream job would be to clean mirrors. I could really see myself doing that.
214. "Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, ‘No, I’m half left.’"
215. Why don't vampires have any friends? Because they're a pain in the neck.
216. I don't buy Velcro shoes. They're a total rip-off.
217. "Did you see they made round bales of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal."
218. How do you get in touch with a Roman architect?