1."My dad and I were checking out at the store when the checker asked him if he wanted paper or plastic. He responded, 'Either, I'm bisacktual.'"
2."My mom — after getting dressed to go out — asked my dad, 'How do I look?' He replied, 'With your eyes.'”
3."Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It's because the cows weren't getting a square meal."
4."When my dad emerged from a lengthy trip to the toilet I asked, 'Did you spray?' (as in did he spray the air freshener). His response? 'Nah, it was solid.'”
5."At a restaurant the waitress asked my husband if he'd like soup or salad. He responded, 'I don't want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.'"
6."Whenever I ask my dad if he's all right he replies, ‘No, I’m half left.’"
7."What did the horse say after it tripped? 'Help! I've fallen and I can't giddyup.'"
8."My friend's mom to his little sister: 'Ava, calm down! Do you have a squirrel in your pants or something?' My friend's dad: 'I had a squirrel in my pants once. He was searching for nuts.'"
9."When I was a kid I fell down on the sidewalk and the first thing my dad said was, 'Is the sidewalk okay?'"
10."What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff."
11."Whenever we'd drive past a cemetery, my dad would say, 'You know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!'"
12."My dad used to have to use a dictaphone at work. One day his boss asked him If he used his dictaphone, and my dad replied, 'No, I use my finger like everyone else!’"
13."When my kids say, 'Can I ask you a question?' I reply, 'You just did.'"
14."This old guy I knew would always say, 'You know what really burns my ass?' He'd then hold his hand at butt level and say, 'A fire about this high.'"
15."My dad always yells 'Hey!' while driving past hay. If someone asks him 'What?' he yells 'Hey!' again. It usually takes four or five "heys" before they catch on."
16."Whenever a server says, 'Sorry about your wait,' I reply, 'Are you saying I'm fat?'"
17."Every time my mom makes cinnamon buns, my dad comes into the kitchen and says, 'Sticky buns? I get those in the summer!'”
18."How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
19."My dad is Japanese and pulled this one out on election day: 'This is a hard day to be Japanese with a language barrier. I showed up at the polling place with my pants down because I thought it was erection day.'"
20."Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!"
21."What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef."
22."My dad's last name is Fuller. Any time anyone says, 'Woo, I'm full!' he always responds, 'Well, I'm Fuller!'"
23."What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino."
24."I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
I don't know why."
25.Any time we drove past a cow pasture my dad would yell, 'LOOK! LOOK, LOOK, LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!'"
26."My dad saw an ambulance barreling down the street with its siren blaring, then said, 'They won't sell much ice cream driving that fast.'"
27.My boyfriend and I were getting ready for our school gala when my boyfriend tried to sit down. My dad yelled, 'Don’t sit down! You might cut yourself!” My boyfriend said, 'What?' My dad then said, 'Cause you’re looking sharp!'”
Want to be featured in similar BuzzFeed posts? Follow the BuzzFeed Community on Facebook and Twitter.
Share This Article
Want awesome parenting tips in your inbox twice a week? Sign up for the BuzzFeed Parents newsletter!