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1. A stainless steel tongue scraper to banish bad bacteria and improve stinky breath.
2. A bra liner so you, a sweaty person, can just exist without the dreaded under-boob sweat. I don't care that it's winter; I. Will. Still. Sweat.
3. A Squatty Potty, because a bout of constipation shouldn't leave you down in the ~dumps~. Squatting changes the angle of your anal canal, opening it up so it's easier for things to exit.
4. An acne patch for those days when a pimple pops up at the *worst* possible moment. Hydrocolloid, tea tree oil, and calendula oil are gentle on the skin while still drawing out fluids and pus from your pimple.
5. An eco-friendly hard water stain remover that'll quickly replace the cleanser you were using. It's biodegradable so the scent won't singe your nose hairs and make you gag, plus it's safe enough to use on just about anything — including shower glass, tile, granite, stainless steel, marble, brass, and porcelain.
6. A mineral sunscreen if you're one of those — and forgive my language — dumdums who's not wearing sunscreen. C'mon now! Sunscreen, y'all! Every day! It's a little embarrassing if you're not doing this already!
7. And don't forget a before-you-go toilet spray to hide any evidence. Even if you're one of those weirdly confident people who can poop in a house full of people without issue, having this in your bathroom for others can calm nervous pooers.
8. A dandruff shampoo so you can banish white flakes from your scalp. It's made with ketoconazole 1%, an antifungal ingredient that'll tell your dandruff it's no longer welcome here.
9. A mold and mildew remover because you can set it, forget it, and come back in a few hours to see grout that looks like new. I'm talking basically every speck of black mold is gone! *Cues up "Do You Believe in Magic"*
10. A pumice cleaning stone for powering through tough rust, lime, and calcium streaks you have to explain to your S.O. are not poop stains — you swear! Give your tired arms a break and let this little guy scrub away discoloration with ease. This non-toxic cleaner is tough on dirt but gentle on porcelain so you can sit atop the glistening throne you deserve.
11. Or a pack of vegan disinfectant toilet tablets that'll sanitize your bowl and keep it smelling fresh without you ever having to break a sweat.
12. A pair of seamless brief underwear if you're constantly battling annoying panty lines since all you wear these days are leggings.
13. A grout paint pen to cover up the mortifyingly large amount of dirt and grime that has fallen into the cracks. It works like a regular marker, so even the people who failed art can use it. And it beats actually having to clean! 🙃
14. A clay mask so you can basically vacuum out your pores. It may also help reduce the frequency of your breakouts and soften your skin.
15. A jetted tub cleaner, because who knows when the last time you cleaned it was. (I hate to break it to you, but you're probably chillaxing in dirty water.) This cleanser is made to flush out soap scum, body oils, and those black flakes that gunk up your tub's jets.
16. A Bath Bean silicone cushion for anyone who's embarrassingly meticulous about bathtime. Don't you hate it when you're trying to de-stress but you keep sliding (esp if your legs aren't long enough to reach the other end of the tub!) and getting your hair wet? Same! This cushion adheres to the bottom of your tub so your booty stays put and you can achieve serenity.
17. A Tushy bidet attachment that'll leave you with the cleanest of cracks. Plus you'll use less TP — a win-win!
18. And a box of wart-removing pads that you apply like bandages if you'd like to be rid of your extra growth. Be gone, appendage!
19. An EveryPlate subscription to save the day when you're staring at your empty fridge on a Wednesday night hoping that food will magically appear and cook itself. No more sad bowls of ramen! We're talking Instagram-worthy meals that are as affordable as they are delicious.
20. A pack of stain-removing pads so you can clear away those questionable stains that have been there since god knows when.
21. A bottle of hard water booster powder because your mugs look like the one on the left (aka cloudy) and you want them to look like the mug on the right (aka nice and shiny).
22. A razor kit for anyone who's said, "I'll shave the next time I shower" for the last two months. Obvi you don't have to shave if you don't want to, but if you're approaching the point where you feel like you can braid your leg hair, maybe you should give this razor kit a try.
23. A teeth-whitening pen that'll help you feel less conscious about your smile. It's a heck of a lot quicker (and tastes a lot better) than those whitening strips that have to sit on your teeth for 20 minutes.
24. A tube of antiperspirant hand cream if you suffer from hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) or you're tired of your video game controllers slipping in the middle of your Fortnite session.
25. A blackhead remover vacuum to suction up blackheads, whiteheads, grease, and leftover makeup. It comes with four different attachments for all your skincare needs, as well as five suction levels so you can clear up your skin without painful blackhead-removing strips.
26. A pack of Schick dermaplaning razors so you evict any unwanted stray hairs that have taken up residence on your face — and conquer your PTSD from accidentally shaving off half your eyebrow in middle school thanks to its precision cover.
27. A disposable urinal, because nature calls and you need to be ready to answer it. Just pee into the bag (there's a spill guard), let it seal (the bag will do this on its own), and toss it when you find a trash can. These are also great for people who have trouble leaking or need to pee frequently.
28. A bottle of dentist-approved mouthwash for beating swamp breath, whether it's a caused by a medical issue or because you just drank coffee and orange juice. This one's made sans alcohol so it won't burn when you swish it around your mouth.
29. A konjac body sponge that'll gently exfoliate your skin and potentially help clear pesky breakouts, blackheads, and excess oil from your body.
30. A pack of dishwasher cleaning tablets if your "clean" dishes are coated in mysterious white crusty bits. It turns out you gotta cleanse the machine that cleans your dishes!
31. A set of kegel weights to not only help with incontinence but also potentially make sex easier, less painful, and more enjoyable. These are especially great for people who've just given birth, though anyone can benefit from strengthening their pelvic floor muscles.
32. A natural shoe deodorizer spray so you can freshen up your house slippers now that they're getting a lot of use. It's made with essential oils and smells like lemon and eucalyptus so you'll probably want to spray it around the rest of your house, too.
33. A collagen-coating hair treatment because it's safe for all hair types and will can help revitalize a dry, damaged, and overprocessed mane overnight.
34. An antifungal tea tree balm to help treat very common but somewhat embarrassing skin conditions like athlete's foot, ringworm, jock itch, and even just dry skin.
35. A cuticle oil so you can restore your shredded nails. A combination of sweet almond oil, vitamin E, and jojoba softens the cuticle and strengthens your claws so you'll be proud to show them off.
36. A pack of DressWeights because you're tired of having to hold down your dress and waddle like a penguin until the breeze dies down.
37. A pack of four charcoal air-purifying bags for erasing the funky odor that's emanating from your fridge.
38. A pack of gas-neutralizing pads that'll negate your partner's fetid flatulence. Each antimicrobial activated charcoal pad traps foul-smelling gas molecules so toxic toots are a thing of the past.
39. A TubShroom if your relaxing showers have turned into you standing in a puddle of water for 15 minutes because the drain is clogged...again. This little guy snags the hair you shed before it can collect in the pipes.
You know what's even *more* embarrassing? Not buying these products.
