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    I Can’t Believe The Plot Of “Riverdale” Anymore, So Here Are 25 Things That Really Happened This Week

    "Dolores says it was a Ghoulie who threw the Molotov cocktail."

    1. It's the season finale, and it's been one full year since Archie, Veronica, Jughead, and Betty returned to Riverdale "temporarily," and for various reasons they are all staying. WHO WOULDA THUNK? For starters, Veronica has gone from "She Wolf of Wall Street" to "Black Widow of Wall Street" and so that whole thing where she dumped Archie to live in irrelevant now.

    Veronica on a video chat with a guy with the joke caption that 8.4 million people in nyc don't want her back because she killed her husband and she says that was ONE time!

    The good news is...Reggie wants to open a casino with her in Riverdale. Lol. If you're keeping count, I'm pretty sure that would be Veronica's seventh business. Because once you've run a speakeasy and maple rum company in high school, what's a little casino, am I right? 

    2. Meanwhile, in a very convenient move for Betty (should I say Special Agent Elizabeth Cooper?), Riverdale's FBI office is reopening. This is pretty baffling for a town that doesn't even have a real fire department (sry, Archie!) but good for her!

    Betty's graduation party with the caption turns out they actually like it when you impersonate an FBI agent

    3. Meanwhile, my fave one-gloved principal, Waldo Weatherbee, has asked Jughead to permanently run the Blue & Gold newspaper again.

    Waldo Weatherbee side by side Jughead wearing his one glove with a caption about his hand positioning

    I suppose Hiram has been running a propaganda paper called the Lodge Ledger, which this episode referenced on many occasions even though we had never heard of it before. Sounds about right...

    4. Legit the five questions I ask myself daily:

    Questions about the show based on a board that says who what where why and how in Jughead's classroom

    Also, isn't "when" missing from the board??? 

    5. Archie has decided to reopen Andrews Construction even though he is still basically running a fire department full time, and I'm fairly positive still runs the El Royale and teaches RROTC at Riverdale High. But OK, sure!

    Archie as a fire fighter with a caption about renaming riverdale archiedale because he has so many jobes

    6. And Cheryl has put Britta to work digging for palladium, which is apparently essential to Cheryl's ministry for...reasons. And of course she absolutely MUST touch up her makeup in the cave:

    Cheryl applying makeup with the slogan easy, breezy, beautiful, cavergirl

    7. But everything comes to a screeching halt when a Ghoulie throws a Molotov cocktail at Pop's, nearly burning the whole thing down, and Archie and co. almost don't make it on time because their firetruck tires were slashed.

    Pictures of the fire with the caption "i didn't know this is what they meant when they said this season would be fire

    8. And then Tabitha delivers my favorite kind of Riverdale dialogue — the kind that is so commonplace on this show that I merely shrug and then think about how any other living human being would react upon hearing it.

    Tabitha says "Dolores says it was a ghoulie who threw the Molotov Cocktail"

    9. Sigh, I really don't want to get into all of it because it is so boring and we've been through it a billion times, but yadda yadda Hiram is guilty yadda yadda they need proof of his crimes yadda yadda they're finally gonna kill him once and for all except they're totally not going to do that...

    Hiram sipping on rum after committing crimes

    Please refer to my absolutely unhinged song "Hiram Started the Fire," which is still relevant because apparently this is a season all about arson.

    10. Toni and Fangs DO kidnap and torture the Ghoulie for information about Hiram, and I do find it somewhat remarkable to see Toni go from being a wonderful guidance counselor to literally torturing a dude. Sir Ghoulie taunts Toni and Fangs and says the Serpents have gone "soft" and...he's not WRONG? But also who is even IN the Serpents anymore? Is it just Toni, Fangs, and baby Anthony?

    Toni threatening the Ghoulie

    Also every time I'm reminded that the Whyte Wyrm is literally just underneath Pop's, I LOL. 

    11. And Reggie delivers perhaps his best line of the series after securing video evidence of Hiram murdering Vito and bringing it to Archie and Veronica:

    Reggie says far be it for me to intrude but I thought you might be interested in this smoking gun I managed to acquire.

    12. In an unrelated scene, Betty gets a call from her old friend the Trash Bag Killer. Still all we know is that for some reason he is completely bloodied and he wears a trash bag mask that looks like whenever I attempt to do a spa mask.

    Betty on the phone with the trash bag killer

    13. Alright so, the whole beginning of the episode was all about finally bringing Hiram to justice, Toni and Fangs asking Veronica if she was "willing to do what it takes" to bring Hiram to justice, and basically just the whole thing was leading up to them killing Hiram ONCE AND FOR ALL. So is that what happened? LOL, no, they literally just let him...walk away into — as Taylor Swift and Bon Iver would say — exile.

    The town giving hiram justice

    I did LOL when Hiram said, "I blame Archie; this is his influence," because it's painfully on brand for Hiram to continue blaming Archie for absolutely everything.

    Side note: I am so baffled because Mark Consuelos is LEAVING THE SHOW. At the very least, we deserve an epic Hiram Lodge death scene, am I right? 

    14. A lot of couple updates went down in this episode, so I figured I'd pause and put them all in one place in this recap:

    All of the couples from this week kissing

    Yup, Betty and Archie, Veronica and Reggie, and Jughead and Tabitha are going strong. And in other couple news: We're still pretending Toni and Fangs are a thing (pls, give us Choni next season!), and Alice and Uncle Frank are suddenly flirty. Sigh, Riverdale. 

    15. OK, now that you're up to speed, things take a turn for the EXTREMELY bizarre when Cheryl and Britta are back in the mines and...whaddaya know, they stumble upon a bunch of skeletons because of course they do!

    Britta with the bones with a joke about the show bones starring emily deschanel and David Boreanaz

    And did anyone else have a hilarious throwback to when Archie was "making his bones" with Hiram? Or just me? 

    16. Turns out, it's time for us to hear another absolutely fucking bonkers story about the Blossom family from Nana Rose — this comes a mere two episodes after the time we learned about the illegitimate family of Blossom serial killers who called themselves the mothmen.

    Nana Rose talking about the bones

    Nana is so ~casual~ about the skeletons — you'd think she just found some family heirlooms. 

    17. Long story short is a Blossom ancestor named Abigail was accused of being a witch and was burned at the stake because she wouldn't sell her maple groves in the hunt for palladium.

    Abigail writing her diary and then getting burned alive

    So, yeah, when we thought Cheryl was being burned alive in the was just Abigail. 

    18. But OK, here's where I started wheezing from laughter. It turns out that there were three people behind Abigail's murder — Archibald Andrews, Jedidiah Jones, and Beatrice Cooper!!!!!

    Archie Betty and Jughead as their ancestors with their names on them

    I'm still cackling! OK, I have so many thoughts about this, but here are the most important ones other than THESE OUTFITS OMG. First of all, I love how each of Betty, Archie, and Jughead's "ancestors" have names that are a lot like theirs and then Cheryl's is just...ABIGAIL. Like, they didn't even try! 

    And then, because my brain is broken, Jughead's real name is Forsythe, which means Jughead's ancestor was thus named because of his stupid nickname!!! Lololololol. Guys, I'm losing my MIND.

    19. Oh, AND btw, Abigail placed a lil' curse on all of their families, hence all those skeletons. NBD.

    Abigail cursing everyone

    I am pretty sure this is a different curse than the Blossom curse? But I can't be 100% positive. A lot was happening.

    20. In present day, Cheryl is furious at her friends for their ancestors' sins, and honestly they're not as apologetic as they should be!

    Cheryl confronting Archie Betty Veronica and Jughead

    But it's also pretty hypocritical of Cheryl when her own ancestors have committed SO many atrocities. Just saying. 

    21. As the palate cleanser we all need and deserve, Pop Tate came back to save us all! Look at how he is THRIVING in retirement in Florida! I'm so happy I could cry.

    Pop Tate back in Riverdale

    This angel of a man is giving Tabitha his retirement nest egg to save Pop's. I absolutely love him.

    22. Alright, so thanks to a bunch of plot that I really can't even think about...Riverdale has been SAVED, which means it's up to Archie and his friends to, like, figure out the government structure? What a truly weird town/show. So I guess there's a new joint mayoral council that will be made up of Toni, Tabitha, Alice, and Frank, because sure! Sounds good to me!

    Archie leading a town meeting

    The best part is when Veronica and Reggie approach the council with their silly casino idea, thinking the council will be like, "Sure! Great!" But instead they're like, "Um, we have more important shit to deal with right now but OK!" 

    23. This recap is so chaotic, but we end up back with the Blossoms, where Cheryl decides to re-up Abigail's curse in present day.

    Cheryl putting the curse on riverdale in present day

    24. And yeah, so the whole town is cursed with the magic scary wind curse!!!

    Archie and friends feeling the creepy wind

    25. Oh, and, BTW, Hiram plants a bomb under Archie's bed (and he really does not move fast enough for someone with a bomb under their bed, but that's neither here nor there) and maybe probably blew up Archie and Betty! OK, byeeeee, see you next season!

    Hiram setting off a bomb under Archie's bed

    And that's all, folks! See you in November when the show returns for Season 6...with Sabrina Spellman??? Very confused and excited for the potential CHAOS, especially now that Cheryl is witchy too.