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    I Can’t Believe The Plot Of “Riverdale” Anymore, So Here Are 18 Things That Really Happened

    "You're not in the United States're in Riverdale."

    1. As a true art connoisseur, I love to talk about the greats — Vincent Van Gogh, Leonardo Da Vinci, Cheryl Blossom! This is an episode all about Cheryl's important work, featuring subjects as wide-ranging as Nana Rose to the Rat King. Let's get into it.

    Nana Rose portrait with caption nana rose not putting up with anybody's shit for posterity

    2. Art appraiser Minerva "Min-Min" Marble returns, and Cheryl instantly apologizes to her. I genuinely could NOT remember what she was apologizing for, so I looked it up, and oh, of course it was about that one time the Blossoms nearly SACRIFICED Minerva in order to break a curse on their family. Just that small thing...

    Minerva says If you're thinking about sacrificing me to your crimson gods don't and cheryl replies first of all they're goddesses

    3. The first work that Cheryl shows Minerva is this one of Archie Andrews seemingly mining his own abs to find even more abs, an artistic rendering which simply omits the scar from that one time he was mauled by a bear.

    Portrait of archie with caption about the CW's shirtless men clause

    Archie begins seeing a therapist this week to deal with his unresolved trauma from the war, which is a wonderful step in the right direction.

    4. Somehow, we transition veryyyy quickly from Archie making a positive life decision to Cheryl getting him involved in mining for the palladium that is hidden under her mansion. When Archie says that he has no mining experience, Cheryl honestly makes a good point:

    Cheryl says Archie you've been a soldier a fireman a football coach a teacher and a bounty hunter is a miner so far outside your purview

    I really have no idea how we moved so swiftly from maple syrup to palladium, and yet here we are. 

    5. Alas, essentially the entire male cast of Riverdale minus Jughead and Hiram is suddenly mining for palladium. Cheryl, who is now also a ministress, leads the miners in a prayer to her brother Jason Blossom, and Nana Rose and Reggie share a moment:


    Also, is all this talk of "the mines" giving anyone else Chilling Adventures of Sabrina flashbacks or just me?

    6. The mining expedition (which would feel weird on any other show, but on Riverdale it's just like...sure! why not!) ends up being a success on the palladium front.

    Kevin holding the palladium with the caption my precious

    In other news: the Mothmen are back! Fangs tells a story about them, claiming that the cannibalistic creatures with huge red glowing eyes dwell underground.

    7. In hindsight, it probably wasn't a great idea for Fangs to talk about the Mothmen right before Archie was about to get back underground...


    After the first time mining, Archie's trauma got so bad that he asked his doctor to prescribe him medication — but this only leads to more visions and anxiety for him. 

    8. Archie confronts his therapist, assuming the medication is intentionally messing with him, and all roads point back to Hiram Lodge for him as usual.

    Archie says who do you work for Hiram lodge and the therapist says the rum maker?

    Okay, first of all, I am so sorry for this woman who did NOTHING wrong. Second of all, identifying HiRUM Lodge as "the rum maker" is objectively one of the top 10 funniest lines I've ever heard on this show. Zero sarcasm from me here, 10/10 humor. 

    While Archie remains convinced there's something wrong with the pills he's on, the entire group starts having visions and acting out — it turns out there was carbon monoxide in the tunnels and that was causing everything. Because of course they all got carbon monoxide poisoning and hardly anyone even batted an eyelash.

    9. Alright, for our next portrait, we have "Daughter of Serial Killer Wields Chainsaw":


    10. As a reminder, last week Betty captured (probably) the lonely highway killer after he almost killed her with a chainsaw. Betty said she knew exactly where to take him for questioning, and while I THOUGHT it would be the sex bunker, it was actually...the shop class at Riverdale High.

    Betty says "you're not in the united states anymore, you're in Riverdale. welcome."

    Like, lololol bringing a murderer to a high school to torture/interrogate him seems like...not the best choice, but okay. Won't be the first, second, or even 20th murderer this high school has seen. I also love that this show is finally confirming that Riverdale is not in the United States, nor even planet Earth, I bet. 

    Betty questions "Martin" (or whatever his name is) about the missing girls, which also causes her to flash back to her run-in with the Trash Bag Killer. Thankfully, Tabitha is not involved anymore for her own safety. 

    11. Meanwhile, at home, Alice is working on a Juniper and Dagwood NEEDLEPOINT and I am truly speechless. Sell it on Etsy, ASAP!


    12. Betty comes home for just some regular ol' mother/daughter time. Love these kinds of long talks with mom:

    Betty talking to Alice saying "mom I have to tell you something I captured a trucker"

    Betty convinces Alice to try to appeal to the killer's "human side," which fails miserably, but seemingly confirms that Polly is actually dead. RIP. 

    13. So Betty tries one final thing to get him to talk...using a chainsaw, obvs:

    Betty holding a chainsaw with the caption say hello to my little friend

    Betty threatens to cut off pieces of him to make him suffer, which we find out is actually what the Trash Bag Killer threatened to do to her when he had her captured. Like, I know Dark Betty is a thing, but man, this is DARK.

    Ultimately, he dies by "biting off his tongue and choking on it" (I wish you could see my face right now). While Betty feels they saved some lives, she's convinced there's still a whole family of killers on the loose, working together. Sigh. 

    14. And for our last portrait, we have Jughead Jones on the Iron Throne holding a bunch of rats. Of course!


    Rat King > Gargoyle King.

    15. It's been a while since we heard from Jughead, so we catch up with him in a support group explaining...basically everything that's happened to him in the past seven years.

    Jughead hallucinating with the caption live footage of my soul leaving my body while watching this show

    The quick summary is that Jughead turned to alcohol and drugs (namely maple mushrooms) in order to deal with the pressures of being a writer. This all led to that UGLY voicemail he left for Betty the night of his book release. 

    The voicemail was kind of the least of his concerns, because Jughead blacked out and lost days of his life and woke up in the hospital with absolutely no clue what had happened...

    16. So, Jughead went back to the hospital and found out he'd contracted RABIES during the blackout. And he ultimately pieces together that on the night of his book release, he was ranting and raving about a "Rat King" because he fell into a SINKHOLE and just...started living underground.

    The rat king

    Hmm...just saying Jughead's underground dwelling in NYC looks suspiciously like the sex bunker in Riverdale lol.

    Anyway, Jughead tells a whole long story about how the "Rat King" (aka his agent Sam?) was originally mad that Jughead was in his domain but was appeased when Jughead read him his book and asked him to live underground forever. Except, then Jughead had a vision of Betty, who saved him from living underground??? And it turns out the entire thing was actually just fiction that Jughead created to cope with the ~truth~? 

    17. The truth was that he was just angry and drunk, fell into a sinkhole, and woke up with a bunch of rats all over him and realized that he was all alone and needed to seek help.


    Honestly, a super heartbreaking twist to the tale of the Rat King.

    18. And we wrap things up with Minerva and Cheryl possibly starting things up again after Cheryl shares a painting of the two of them. Minerva is skeptical given that "the last time I was here, your nana suggested sacrificing me to an angry eldritch terror." But the moral of the story is that sometimes true love CAN overcome obstacles, big and small. What I'm saying is that love literally can mean making sacrifices, and I just think that's beautiful.

    Cheryl and Minerva

    That's quite enough for one week. See you next week, my Rat Kings and Queens.