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    18 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "God, I should have stabbed you harder when I had the chance."

    Before I start, last week I was on vacation, which means I missed the Hiram Lodge origin story episode.

    Mark Consuelos with a mustache
    CW

    I still...haven't watched it. (I'm sorry, I've been searching for Palladium!!! Just kidding, because I still have no idea what Palladium is.) 

    From what I gather, the episode explained the Lodge family's generations-long hunt for Palladium??? Even though the word Palladium wasn't spoken on this show until this season? K. 

    Anyway, let me know in the comments if I need to go back and watch it for any reason other than seeing Mark Consuelos with a mustache. Let's dive right in.

    1. Since I missed an episode, I was very confused because suddenly we were back in THE WAR this week.

    CW

    I truly love that we simply have no context about what THE WAR is? Or what decade it's supposed to be, since it seemingly exists in the Riverdale universe timeline of 1940/2021?

    Anyway, Archie's friend Eric (from...THE WAR) has PTSD, and so does Archie. 

    Conversations that only make sense when you watch Riverdale:

    me asking my friend nora why we're back in the war
    Jen Abidor

    2. The only, and I do mean ONLY, thing I cared about that happened in this episode was the Betty and Tabitha team-up — their dynamic is excellent.

    Tabitha and Betty with Jughead Who? as the caption
    CW

    These two are working together (with not a Jughead in sight) to take down the murderous truck driver(s) on the lonely highway. Don't worry, Betty is making really good decisions and not putting herself at any personal risk. I am kidding, of course; she's doing NOTHING of the sort. 

    Betty solicits a truck driver they track down, but it turns out he's actually an FBI agent working with Betty's ex Glen. Betty flashes her FBI badge, and it's a lot like that moment on Friends where Phoebe pretends she's a cop. Very embarrassing all around. Solid 10/10 cringe.

    3. I was trying to remember how things left off with Glen, and it was actually a pretty standard breakup. You know...boy shows up at dinner at girl's family home and gets tied up and held at gunpoint by her serial killer brother and his serial killer husband, who have escaped during the great Palladium prison break, and girl stabs boy in an attempt to actually save his life, and all of this happens in the presence of children. Seriously, WHO AMONG US HASN'T been through a breakup like that????

    Betty says god I should have stabbed you harder when I had the chance to glen
    CW

    Honestly, Betty saying she should have stabbed Glen harder was an A+ line. He's just the worst, and his "FBI plan" is to criminalize the women rather than, ya know, try to nab the serial killers on the loose.

    Friendly reminder that Glen is almost 100% the TRASH BAG KILLER (who has not been mentioned yet since the show returned...).

    4. Cheryl Blossom got lost on her way to her grandmother's house and eaten by a wolf. Just kidding, but she looked extremely "Little Red Ridinghood" while trying to find "inspiration" for her "sermon."

    CW

    Yes, casual reminder that Cheryl and her mother started a ministry-slash-cult...you know, because of course they did. 

    Cheryl runs into Kevin, who is cruising in the woods again. Cheryl gives Kevin both good and bad advice.

    The good advice: Make things right with Fangs.

    The bad advice: JOIN HER FREAKING CULT. 

    Basically, me to Cheryl:

    Demi Lovato's comments which have become a meme. It reads get a job stay away from her
    Demi Lovato/Instagram

    5. Speaking of the ministry, that feeling when you're forced to play piano at your daughter and granddaughter's creepy new cult:

    Nana rose playing piano
    CW

    Nana Rose deserves better. 

    6. When Kevin goes to talk to Fangs, he learns that Fangs is now seeing Moose (Kevin's ex...). And, you guys, I SWEAR I thought this man was dead?????? It is so hard to keep track of which characters have been serial killed and which have just been abandoned to the isle of lost characters on this show.

    Moose and a heaping bowl of grapes
    CW

    I'm unironically obsessed with the heaping bowl of grapes on the table. This is my kind of date night.

    7. Archie and Uncle Frank enjoy a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in a very sweet #spon heart-to-heart:

    Archie and Frank eating cinnamon toast crunch
    CW

    8. Uncle Frank gets Eric and Archie a dog, and this leads to...a lot!

    CW

    This is a lot of information, and I'm just going to go for it. First, we learn that Archie's dog Vegas died during the time jump. RIP Vegas!

    Then we learn that the new dog reminds Archie of a dog named Bingo that he and Eric had in the trenches during the war. We also learn that the new dog escaped from a dog-fighting ring, and Archie declares he will take down the horrible guy behind the ring. 

    9. The one thing I always say we definitely haven't had enough of on Riverdale is literally just...watching Veronica "She Wolf of Wall Street" Lodge and Reggie make a bunch of investment banking deals. So you can imagine how THRILLED I was when that took up approximately one-fourth of this episode.

    Veronica next to her list of jobs
    CW/Riverdale Wiki / Via riverdale.fandom.com

    Sigh. Yes. Veronica and Reggie have teamed up again for yet another new business venture called "Pearls and Posh" to make money and also lure investors away from Hiram's SoDale scam. I wish I could express how little I care about this plotline.

    As a side note, I'm absolutely obsessed with Veronica's list of jobs on the Riverdale wiki.

    10. So, even though the friend group is very busy running ministries and making deals, they all decide to dedicate their night to one of two very fun plans: 1) Betty and Tabitha's plan of luring truck drivers to the Whyte Wyrm via a big sexy musical number to build out a list of all the truck drivers and check their trucks for signs of ~murder~.

    Tabitha, Veronica, and Cheryl dancing
    CW

    We DO get one brief mention of Toni, who typically has Fangs covering her Whyte Wyrm shift (reminder that last we saw Toni she was expecting a baby, and actor Vanessa Morgan actually DID have her baby IRL), but he is wrapped up in the second plan of the night, which means Alice has stepped in. 

    11. Or 2) Archie's vigilante plan of serving justice to the horrible man who is running a dog-fighting ring in Riverdale.

    CW

    Sigh, I don't know what Riverdale needs right now, but I know it isn't this random and unnecessary dog-fighting plotline??? 

    12. Tabitha and Betty's plan seems to be a bust until one last truck driver with extremely murdery vibes shows up...and Betty makes the very wise choice to get into the truck. This proves a terrible idea because THIS HAPPENS:

    Guy with Chainsaw
    CW

    Absolutely wild that at this point of watching Riverdale, a chain saw feels fairly commonplace and tame. 

    13. LOL I JUST!!!!!

    CW

    14. THIS WAS NOT A GOOD PLAN!

    CW

    Luckily, Betty had sent Tabitha a text before getting in the truck, but I'm not sure just having your friend show up in a car is sufficient backup for a chain-saw-wielding murderer!!!!

    Thankfully, Betty knocks the guy out with a wrench and says she has the perfect place to bring him. (It's definitely gonna be the sex bunker, which is seemingly the only "place" in all of Riverdale.) 

    15. Alrighty, I know this was a serious moment, but literally all I could think of was all of the 80-year-olds at my grandma's nursing home shouting this:

    Archie shouting Bingo!
    CW

    Of course I feel very sad for Archie, but MAN, why would you name a human being character Bingo??? 

    To fill you in, we learn throughout the episode that Bingo actually wasn't a dog (which....obviously??? Why would there be a dog in the trenches?), but was a fellow soldier who died in the war, and the episode concludes with Archie seeing Bingo in the background of his bedroom, signaling that he clearly needs help dealing with his trauma as well. More on that shortly.

    16. Ummm...and Kevin ultimately decides to join Cheryl's new cult. It's like I always say: Accidentally join a cult once, shame on Edgar Evernever. Accidentally join a cult twice...SHAME ON YOU.

    Cheryl and Kevin dancing with candles.
    CW

    And yes, this was the THIRD musical number of the episode. I'm so tired.

    17. In conclusion, my only two moods. This:

    Kevin in the cult
    CW

    18. And this:

    Bingo
    CW

    I am absolutely not prepared for Archie to be haunted by the ghost of Bingo, and yet I'm never truly prepared for this show so...shrug.

    And I didn’t even notice that Jughead was gone until 30 minutes into this episode. Whoops.

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