Before I start, last week I was on vacation, which means I missed the Hiram Lodge origin story episode.
1.Since I missed an episode, I was very confused because suddenly we were back in THE WAR this week.
Conversations that only make sense when you watch Riverdale:
2.The only, and I do mean ONLY, thing I cared about that happened in this episode was the Betty and Tabitha team-up — their dynamic is excellent.
3.I was trying to remember how things left off with Glen, and it was actually a pretty standard breakup. You know...boy shows up at dinner at girl's family home and gets tied up and held at gunpoint by her serial killer brother and his serial killer husband, who have escaped during the great Palladium prison break, and girl stabs boy in an attempt to actually save his life, and all of this happens in the presence of children. Seriously, WHO AMONG US HASN'T been through a breakup like that????
4.Cheryl Blossom got lost on her way to her grandmother's house and eaten by a wolf. Just kidding, but she looked extremely "Little Red Ridinghood" while trying to find "inspiration" for her "sermon."
Basically, me to Cheryl:
5.Speaking of the ministry, that feeling when you're forced to play piano at your daughter and granddaughter's creepy new cult:
6.When Kevin goes to talk to Fangs, he learns that Fangs is now seeing Moose (Kevin's ex...). And, you guys, I SWEAR I thought this man was dead?????? It is so hard to keep track of which characters have been serial killed and which have just been abandoned to the isle of lost characters on this show.
7.Archie and Uncle Frank enjoy a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in a very sweet #spon heart-to-heart:
8.Uncle Frank gets Eric and Archie a dog, and this leads to...a lot!
9.The one thing I always say we definitely haven't had enough of on Riverdale is literally just...watching Veronica "She Wolf of Wall Street" Lodge and Reggie make a bunch of investment banking deals. So you can imagine how THRILLED I was when that took up approximately one-fourth of this episode.
10.So, even though the friend group is very busy running ministries and making deals, they all decide to dedicate their night to one of two very fun plans: 1) Betty and Tabitha's plan of luring truck drivers to the Whyte Wyrm via a big sexy musical number to build out a list of all the truck drivers and check their trucks for signs of ~murder~.
11.Or 2) Archie's vigilante plan of serving justice to the horrible man who is running a dog-fighting ring in Riverdale.
12.Tabitha and Betty's plan seems to be a bust until one last truck driver with extremely murdery vibes shows up...and Betty makes the very wise choice to get into the truck. This proves a terrible idea because THIS HAPPENS:
13.LOL I JUST!!!!!
14.THIS WAS NOT A GOOD PLAN!
15.Alrighty, I know this was a serious moment, but literally all I could think of was all of the 80-year-olds at my grandma's nursing home shouting this:
16.Ummm...and Kevin ultimately decides to join Cheryl's new cult. It's like I always say: Accidentally join a cult once, shame on Edgar Evernever. Accidentally join a cult twice...SHAME ON YOU.
17.In conclusion, my only two moods. This:
And I didn’t even notice that Jughead was gone until 30 minutes into this episode. Whoops.