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    27 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "If you promise to never bring up the epic highs and lows of high school football..."

    1. Despite a seven-year time jump, Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica are now back at Riverdale High as teachers — which is frankly pretty insulting to all the extremely hard-working and qualified teachers of the world.

    Archie, Betty, and Jughead standing in a literal love triangle

    Betty's teaching auto shop, Archie's running the RROTC, Veronica is teaching economics, and Jughead is teaching English. Precisely the four types of teachers required for a traditional high school education.

    2. Naturally, Jughead has a problem with teaching Of Mice and Men for some reason. I guess it's way too basic for a literary mind like Forsythe Pendleton Jones III, whose bestseller was a crappy knockoff of his own life.

    Jughead with the caption "I jughead jones do not read books for plebes are you kidding me? "

    3. One of Betty's students is scared because her father was a serial killer, and I have to say this is 100% valid! I, too, would not personally LOVE it if my teacher's father were a serial killer who victimized my town, I'm sorry to say.

    Student asks betty if her dad was the black hood and betty replies, "um serialsly"

    Betty says her dad "taught her everything she knows about cars," which is true, but he also taught her everything she needs to know ABOUT MURDER!!!

    4. Jokes aside, I am really obsessed with Betty's outfit here:

    Betty in a denim outfit with the caption "made from 100% serial killer jeans"

    5. Hiram's doing Doritos #SPON now, but this is just even more proof of his villainy because he picked original over cool ranch.

    Hiram eating doritos with the caption "not a commercial"

    Heggie (Hiram and Reggie) is officially the worst.

    6. I'm genuinely so happy Kevin and Fangs stuck together and made it through their relationship drama, and by drama I DO MEAN the time when they were in the organ-harvesting cult and also the time that they made tickle porn together.


    You know you're in love when you can forgive the time they fully abandoned you in the cult that you were both in.

    7. Barchie had a Titanic hookup moment, which is all well and good, I just don't have the heart to remind them how that movie ended...

    Archie's hand side by side with the hand scene in the Titanic

    A few thoughts. Archie calls Jughead "my new roommate," which is frankly rude even though it's been seven years since Bughead. Also, someone in the comments last week reminded me that Betty is FULLY CHEATING ON her FBI boyfriend and has never mentioned him since that first episode. Let's start a pool on whether we ever hear of him again!

    8. A tangent, but did anyone else notice Betty dip her fingers into Archie's belly button?

    Picture of Archie and Betty hooking up

    Or am I a weird? I'm a weirdo? I don't fit in and I don't want to fit in...

    9. Jughead interviews his future-girlfriend, Tabitha, for his book (she is definitely going to hate him when this book comes out, that much I know!) and she leads him to a guy who was ranting and raving about the "moth man."

    Tabitha being interviewed by Jughead

    10. Alright, next on this dumpster fire of an episode (literally, I'm not trying to be mean)...there was a trash can fire in the middle of the hall.

    Literally a fire in the school trash captioned '2021' with someone attempting to put it out with a fire extinguisher

    My favorite part was when Toni and Mr. Weatherbee (or "Waldo" as adult Toni can now call him) were wondering why Archie and Betty were around and Archie said he went "night jogging," which is code for "hooking up with Betty in a car."

    11. Hiram really, really, really wants Riverdale High to fail for plot reasons, so he did what any Rum Mafioso would do — got a few high school kids to do his bidding and light a fire. Also, Reggie now coaches the Stonewall Prep football team...

    Reggie standing outside

    Guys, I just watched the episode today and I can't even remember the drama, but Archie has to bring back the Riverdale Bulldogs football team to ward off Hiram's evil plan for reasons. A very convenient plot!

    12. Jughead's students, Farchie and Fughead, troll him with a tip jar after learning he works at Pop's, which is honestly mean, but they make a good point wondering why their bestselling novelist teacher is working two jobs.

    Farchie and Fughead sitting at their desks in class

    These are their names now, according to me.

    13. I'm really sorry to bear the news that Veronica and Chad sang "Shallow" from A Star Is Born at karaoke night. I didn't mean to ruin your day.

    Veronica and Chad singing with the caption "this is our punishment for "glee" being off the air in 2018"

    Not only did they sing it, but they SKIPPED RIGHT OVER the big climax of the song after the whole "ahhhhahhhahhh" part. It bothered me. Oh, and I forgot to say Chad showed up in Riverdale. Gross.

    14. But Archie and Kevin's reactions to the song were the best part:

    Kevin wiping the tears streaming down his face and Archie slightly smiling during the performance

    15. So, after last week's ending, Polly Cooper is missing. Luckily, she has an FBI agent as a sister! Betty tracks down a lead named "truckerboy69" (nice) on a site called Nedd's List (lol).

    Betty asks her witness, "where were you last night (checks notes truckerboy69)?

    Truckerboy69 tells Betty that he was just doin' a lil' Jingle Jangle with Polly, but she got scared of something and ran away, but he's not the bad guy.

    16. Cheryl continues to be the Bob Ross of Riverdale:

    Cheryl painting with the captions "me on Friday night vs. me on Sunday night" with her demeanor changing from happy to serious

    17. For some reason, this portrait of Jason Blossom is worth $250k??? And Cheryl is forging it? Because Nana Rose has some kind of painting forging scheme going?


    Another alliteratively named Riverdale character named Minerva Marble buys the painting from Cheryl. I also CANNOT WITH THIS PAINTING LOL LOL.

    18. I would trust this woman with my life, so I am here for the ride of this bizarre painting scheme:

    Nana Rose scheming as she looks at Cheryl during a painting session

    19. So, uh, Jughead goes to talk with the moth man guy (this is not him, this is just his...moth man shrine?) and basically the moth men are aliens??? I'm tired, and the portion of my brain that can retain this information has been long since filled with Gryphons & Gargoyles, Edgar Evernever, and Jingle Jangle.


    "I just interviewed a guy who wants to be abducted by moth men, I think weird is relative" is a truly excellent line of dialogue spoken by Jughead this episode.

    20. While Archie attempts to reassemble the Bulldogs (with a female player named Britta, which is cool!), Toni has reassembled the River Vixens — which Cheryl is NOT pleased about. But more on that later.

    Toni walking and wearing HBIC shirt and the river vixens behind her with the caption "petition to make this the official poster of Season 5"

    Basically, Archie is putting the team back together but needs $20k for expenses, and Toni implies that the sports budget has gone to the River Vixens. Legend.

    21. Jughead suggests Tabitha might be able to sponsor the Bulldogs and gives us this genuinely great throwback line to the best/worst line of dialogue in Riverdale history.

    jughead saying "if you promise to never mention the epic highs and lows of high school football...

    Archie ultimately gets the loan from Veronica and Chad — though Chad is a total asshole about it and tries to get Archie to renovate their apartment in exchange for the money. Luckily, that leads to my next point...

    22. A lot happened with Veronica and Chad, but the biggest thing you need to know is that they ended up taking a break (Veronica goes by Lodge again at the end of the episode) and Chad used the phrase "awesome sauce" unironically.

    Chadwick with his luggage on the floor with the caption, "my emotional baggage from watching five seasons of this show"

    Other things in the Chadronica relationship: Chad called himself a good guy because he was "nice to her friends" and "sang karaoke" — his bar for himself is so low it is ON THE GROUND. Veronica wants to open her Uncut Gems store here in Riverdale at the old Screenplay Video store. And Chad wants to work with Hiram, which makes me think we're not done with him yet.

    23. Well, well, well, well, well. Somebody's been spilling secrets all around Riverdale, and no I'm NOT talking about the secret of the timeline of this show, which is still an enigma...

    Cheryl with a rotary phone with the caption "extremely 2021 phone energy"

    Cheryl finds out Toni relaunched the River Vixens and she is NOT THRILLED. But fortunately, it does finally get her out of the house.

    24. ...turns out Ms. Bell is a big ol' blabbermouth! Not only is she the one who told Cheryl, but she's also leaking secrets to Hiram Lodge.

    Ms. Bell with the caption "who's that messing up everything????"

    I knew she was a mole when she started popping up everywhere this season.

    25. Things are NOT looking great for Polly! Turns out the car sex hand moment might have just been foreshadowing this dead body hand moment at the end of the episode.

    Hand coming from the ground with the caption "hey, can you give me a hand here?"

    We're not 100% sure it's Polly, though, and even if we were, the laws of life and death are blurry on Riverdale.

    26. And we end on quite the cliffhanger! Thanks to his tipoff about the Riverdale Bulldogs from that traitor Ms. Bell, Hiram does the logical and sane thing that a grown-ass man should do — sets Archie and Jughead's house on fire with them in it.

    Picture of the fire with the caption "this really was a fire episode"

    We have no idea if Archie and Jughead will survive, except we totally do and of course they will.

    27. In conclusion: Hiram started the fire. Guys, IDK, I guess I had a lot of time today, so please forgive, but I did take the liberty of writing a song called "Hiram Started the Fire" to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel. Please enjoy it or, rightfully, tell me to go outside and take a walk...

    Hiram with the caption "hiram started the fire" by billy joel

    "Hiram Started the Fire"
    (to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel):

    Verse 1:

    Archie Andrews, Kevin K., Red Circle, Andre,

    Betty Cooper, Toni Topaz, "I'm a weirdo"

    Cheryl Blossom, River Vixens, Jingle Jangle, television

    North Dale, South Dale, Chadwick's gotta go

    Verse 2:

    Nana Rose, Cherry Bomb, Mapleboarding Cheryl’s mom

    Pop Tate, “The Bear and I” and “The cult guy tried to fly”

    Weatherbee, quarantine, Serpents got a new queen

    Polly Cooper, Jason Blossom, Evernever goodbye


    Hiram started the fire

    Got this whole town burning, with Dorito earnings

    Hiram started the fire

    Used his rum to light it, Archie’s gonna fight it

    Okay, well, on that note! Riverdale comes back March 10, which is for the best because I broke my brain trying to write that song. Do you think the hand in the ground was Polly's? Will Juggy and Archie survive the fire? (Yes.) Let me know what you think in the comments below.