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    17 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "He is what we in the tickle business would call a first-class squealer."

    1. This week on Riverdale, after an intense fencing match, Jughead finds out that Bret is actually his secret British sibling, and they're sent to an isolation cabin at camp where they eat Oreos with peanut butter.

    2. You guys! TED IS BACK! To report that Greg is dead! I know, I can't believe it either. RIP Greg, we literally hardly knew ya.

    3. *literally three minutes later*

    4. Archie saves the day by doing what he does best…being a big ole dumb-dumb. But he does ask a great question: "Why the hell does one of your friends want to kill you?" after whacking Ted with a frying pan.

    5. Veronica is off to New York with Smithers, because traveling WITHOUT a butler is such a poor person thing to do.

    6. And we meet Aria Montgomery! Just kidding, duh, it's the one and only Katy Keene (played by the ever-delightful Lucy Hale):

    7. Don't shoot the messenger, but Toni is joining Ticklegate with Fangs and Tickle Me Kevin. I suppose it's a slight upgrade from the literal organ-harvesting cult they joined last year?

    8. Betty shows Alice her newest murder board and despite how weird that sounds, I'm excited for the mother/daughter team-up I've been waiting for ever since they took down the cult leader before he went up in his rocket ship while simultaneously attempting to murder a busload of cult members!

    9. Betty and Alice find out from Mr. Chipping's wife that he had army pamphlets among his belongings, which connects them to Moose, who tells them that Mr. Chipping recruited him to Stonewall and then tried to convince him to leave around Halloween. Also, Bret videotaped him having sex? And probably also videotaped Betty and Jughead?

    10. This asshole returns because he heard about THE MAPLE CLUB, aka the bizarro maple syrup rum shop that Cheryl and Veronica just opened LAST EPISODE, which is apparently now thriving so much that preppy rich jackasses are coming in hoards to…try maple syrup rum???

    11. On an earnest note, Cheryl and Toni shared a really touching moment where Cheryl opened up about her assault, and Toni shared that she had been through a similar experience and wanted to help Cheryl get through it.

    12. Ted escapes jail (honestly, we can talk about this another time but FP is a horrible sheriff) and BRUTALLY ATTACKS Archie in the bathroom at school. Because he was able to just wander in and loudly assault a teenager without even a bat of an eyelash from anybody at Riverdale High.

    13. Somehow Tickle Me Kevin was the only character to hear this EXTREMELY LOUD ATTACK, and expressed exactly how I feel watching an episode of this show:

    14. While Jughead is off dueling (as one does), Betty and Alice infiltrate the secret Quill & Skull lair to find Bret's secret video stash, before getting caught.

    15. Toni, Fangs, and Kevin exact their revenge on Nick St. Clair by secretly videotaping him getting tickled (this friggin' sentence!). Even though their TICKLE BUSINESS has been a plot for just two episodes now, they have become certifiable tickle experts and say things like this:

    16. Ugh, guys, last week HiRUM was sledgehammering rum and this week he has a neuromuscular disorder (?????), is now extremely sick, and Veronica and Hermione are both extremely devastated by this news. Yes, even Hermione who, quite literally, tried to murder him once. I honestly can't with this family. I'm exhausted.

    17. Betty managed to grab Donna's confessional tape, which shows Donna sharing the exact same story she told about Mr. Chipping assaulting her…but it's about a different teacher named Mr. Kotter. Basically, she's been lying, and Betty thinks they need to be focusing more on Donna as a suspect than Bret.

    Nothing from the flash-forward this week, but I can offer you this shot of Betty with a remote control from 1996:

    If you didn't watch this week's episode, you probably have it on VHS with a readily available VCR like everyone in Riverdale seems to, right? Go watch, and I'll see ya next week!