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    25 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "Quantico can wait!"

    1. The episode begins with Jughead reminding us what everyone is doing after the time jump: “Archie had been in a war, Betty was an FBI agent, Veronica was married, Toni was Queen of the Serpents, I was a published writer.”

    Jughead next to a fake buzzfeed quiz that says "everyone is either soldier FBI agent wife snake gang royalty or the next fitzgerald — which one are you? "

    2. Both pairs of exes (Varchie and Bughead) decided to go for the requisite "late night ex stroll," and we learned that Jughead left Betty some kind of angry voicemail before his book launched and Archie hasn't dated anyone since Veronica. But this is the biggest takeaway I had:

    Veronica and Archie walking with a caption about how veronica really really really hates her husband

    3. A lot has changed in Riverdale in seven years, but luckily the sex bunker is still alive and well and exactly as Jughead left it:

    Jughead in the sex bunker with the caption "Friends and family come and go, but sex bunkers are forever!"

    4. The Serpents, much like me, can't stand Jughead now because — as a LITERARY GENIUS — he continued to do his favorite writing trick, which is "basing all of his fiction on his own life and loosely changing the character names." (Do I need to remind you of Brown Hood???)

    Sweet Pea with the caption "You thought people wouldn't figure out who the vipers named Toothy and Popeye were?"

    5. I think Toni spoke for all of us here:

    6. The main plot of this episode was Hiram trying to shut down Riverdale High and unincorporate Riverdale as a town, which led Archie on a mission to save the day. Reminder: This town DOES NOT FUNCTION without Archie, Veronica, Jughead, and Betty.

    Teacher's room picture with the caption is this a meeting of a live-action reboot of clue?

    7. Speaking of Hiram, it wouldn't be an episode of Riverdale without some Lodge family drama that I don't really care about. Importantly, Hermosa up and moved the rum business to Miami. Sad. RIP HiRUM.

    8. As part of his quest to save Riverdale, Archie is particularly upset that the Ghoulies now live in his childhood home. I've never laughed harder than Archie saying they turned it into a "drug den" only to get a closeup of JINGLE JANGLE!!!!

    Archie looking at the drugs and they're jingle jangle

    9. Archie goes to Sheriff Keller with his extremely relatable conundrum:

    Archie saying I'm having trouble with the gang bangers who are using my house as a drug den

    10. So, an elite squad of one FBI agent (Betty), one former-now-current sheriff (Tom Keller), and a few other people with absolutely zero credentials other than "fought a bear" (Archie), "in a snake gang" (Fangs and Sweet Pea), and "was briefly in a cult and made tickle porn" (Kevin) do a raid of the Ghoulies' Jingle Jangle stash.

    11. And, yes, the rumors are true...Betty and Archie had shower sex (!!!!!) and it was STEAAAMMMYYY.

    Archie and Betty making out in a shower

    12. While trying to avoid his debt collectors, Jughead gets help from Tabitha, and she's quickly becoming my new fave. Especially when they ask for Jughead Jones and she says:

    Tabitha saying "I think I'd remember a weird ass name like that."

    13. Betty is having nightmares about the Trash Bag Killer, which is funny because I too cannot sleep at night thinking about how Riverdale named them the Trash Bag Killer:

    Betty having a nightmare about the trash bag killer with the caption trash bag killer

    14. Like I said earlier, we were reunited with a lot of faves. For example, Smithers is back!

    Smithers saying last you saw me I think I was telling you war stories while we were taking down your father and his capos

    15. Hannah Montana is back!

    Veronica as Monica

    16. Juniper and Dagwood are back! We love a glow-up, and by glow-up I do mean going from LEVITATING IN A FIRE PIT to just casually doin' some homework.

    17. Polly is back! Love these sweet sisterly moments!

    Betty holding a gun at Polly

    18. Reggie is back, but Mullet Reggie is here for the first time, baaaby!

    Reggie with the caption whomst did he piss off on set?

    19. Jughead's writer's block is back!

    Jughead trying to write with the caption me watching Jughead's author storyline

    20. Okay, but speaking of Jughead's literary career, I have to cackle. In a panic, Jughead sends his agent the speech he is giving at Pop Tate's retirement party, and the agent LOVES it so much that he forces him to write a book about it/the people in small town Riverdale??? So Jughead is writing, like, Riverdale Hillbilly Elegy I guess?

    Jughead's tribute to Pop Tate

    21. We said goodbye to Pop Tate at his retirement party, and I TOTALLY CRIED! We don't deserve him!

    Archie, Jughead and Pop Tate

    22. They all did a milkshake toast in Pop's honor, and I had a lot of thoughts about it:

    Milkshake toast pic with captions about the characters and props

    23. Alright, so back to the main story of this episode! In order to save Riverdale High (with the financial backing of Cheryl Blossom), they're turning it into a FREE PRIVATE SCHOOL and Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica are all putting their lives on hold ("Quantico can wait") to come back and teach despite having zero qualifications!

    Archie, Betty, Jughead, Toni, and Veronica raising their hands with the caption raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by this show

    24. In the biggest twist of the episode, I agreed with Chadwick! Veronica tells him that she's staying in Riverdale to be a teacher and he says:

    Chadwick saying "That's absurd"

    25. And, finally, ummmmm...things are not looking good for Polly, who is seemingly being chased by the same SERIAL KILLER TRUCK that we encountered at the end of last episode.

    A bunch of horrible things Polly Cooper has been through superimposed on a picture of her running from a truck

    So, what do we think? Any theories? Is it a GARBAGE truck for the TRASH BAG KILLER? Is Polly dead? Will Reggie get a haircut? Let me know in the comments and I'll see you back here next week!