23 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    Pour one out for Jughead Jones who has...*gasp* writer's block.

    1. Well kids, we finally made it to the future! The big Riverdale seven-year time jump happened, which brings us to the deeply futuristic year of *checks notes* 2021???

    Veronica with the caption, It's 2021 chadwick

    2. We open with the "war" that takes place on the Riverdale High football field (as wars do) but also in the 1940s — but, alas, it was actually all a dream.

    Archie fighting a war on the Riverdale high football field

    3. Archie's dream does end with Hiram pointing a gun at him, and I cannot believe I'm about to sit through yet another season of Hiram being the world's most annoying villain.

    Meme about Hiram pointing a gun at Archie being like 2021

    4. Anyway, Archie returns to Riverdale after seven years away to find that the Riverdale he once knew and loved, the one with serial killers and Gargoyle Kings and booming maple rum businesses and parents murdering their own children — THAT cherished Riverdale of his memory is gone forever, replaced with a ghost town.

    Archie with the caption: This is nothing like the Riverdale of my youth! not a single fizzle rock in sight!

    5. Luckily, one BIG difference in the new Riverdale is that Toni Topaz is front and center, as she should be at all times. She is now the Serpent Queen, and the Whyte Wyrm has officially replaced Le Bonne Nuit as Riverdale's premiere under-diner drinking establishment.

    Toni performing

    6. The Riverdale writers gave me a freaking panic attack and teased that something horrible has happened to Pop Tate. I've said it once and I'll say it again, that man must be protected at all costs.

    Archie and Toni talking about Pop Tate

    7. The remainder of the episode is Archie calling up his friends who he hasn't spoken to or seen for seven years to get them back together to "save" Riverdale, because the place clearly just falls apart without Jughead, Betty, Veronica, and Archie.

    Archie calling Betty with the caption "that's a weird way to spell scam likely"

    8. First, we check in with Betty, who is now in the FBI. Betty is suffering from trauma because of an incident with a serial killer called the..............TRASH BAG KILLER, TBK for short. (This! Show!)

    Betty saying she caught serial killers in high school

    9. It appears that back while Betty was on the Trash Bag Killer's trail, she went in too early without backup and ended up getting captured by him and held in his lair for two weeks. This poor girl! Many things have changed on this show, but Betty's penchant for murder-boarding has remained the same. It's truly comforting to see.

    Betty's murder boards

    10. Also, Betty's dating this FBI man who will either never show up again or is secretly the Trash Bag Killer. There's no in-between. Unfortunately, she has to head back to Riverdale

    FBI man saying while you're there you can clear out the FBI office where you and your serial killer brother worked

    11. Next up we check in with Veronica, who is living on the Upper East Side of Manhattan with her husband (ugh) Chadwick (ugh), who I absolutely LOATHE on sight (ughhhhhh). It literally took one millisecond of screen time for me to declare an endless and undying rage upon him.

    Picture of chadwick who definitely has serial killer genes

    12. Veronica is also apparently the female version of Adam Sandler in Uncut Gems while simultaneously lamenting about wanting to be the "She Wolf of Wall Street." Not shocking for a woman whose high school resumé alone was "owner and founder of first all-teenage speakeasy" and "co-creator of maple syrup rum."

    Veronica side by side with Adam Sandler in Uncut Gems

    13. The other important-ish thing to know about is that Chadwick and Veronica were in a helicopter accident on the way to "Marsha's Vineyard," but they clearly both survived.

    Veronica and Chadwick with the caption "drink every time i vaguely say the accident"

    14. But the best thing to ever happen to the Lodge family is that Hermione is still thriving as a Real Housewife with an iconic and perfect tagline:

    From small town to big city my killer instinct always gets me what I want"

    15. Jughead Jones is hardly tolerable in 2021 at the moment, but I'll try. Coming off of one extremely successful novel called The Outcasts, which somehow landed him a full profile in the New Yorker about his budding career (lolol), Jughead is suffering through something so dire, so tragic, so overwhelmingly dark and bleak, it haunted me...even by Riverdale standards:

    Jughead saying he has writer's block

    16. After reminding us all that S.E. Hinton did, in fact, write The Outsiders, Jughead has sex with an NYU grad student named Cora who knows exactly how to turn him on.

    Cora side by side with Jughead: Caption ur book is sexy ur right my book IS sexy. wanna sex?

    17. Okay, so now we're back in Riverdale, and we catch up with Fangs, Sweet Pea, and Kevin, who are all still hanging around town — Fangs and Kevin are still together (aw!) and live with Toni on Cloverfield Lane 👀. Unfortunately, things between Cheryl and Toni aren't great right now. As Kevin says:

    Kevin with the caption RIP choni

    18. Cheryl has not left the house in years with Nana Rose because she's convinced she's still under the Blossom family curse. I cry for her.

    Cheryl and Nana Rose

    19. Once again, Hiram is wreaking havoc on Riverdale and is the reason the town is falling apart. Well, him and his new henchman REGGIE. Ugh, Reggie, I was rooting for you.

    Reggie and Hiram at Cheryl's home with the caption stay away from her

    20. For undisclosed reasons, the Ghoulies now rent Archie's house??? But Archie doesn't know this because I guess he doesn't talk to his dang mom? Anyway, this is the state of his house now. Not GREAT, much like the rest of Riverdale, which is in ruins.

    Archie's destroyed house with the caption too ghoul school

    21. Well, except for Pop's, which is somehow in pristine condition. The whole group is finally together again to save Riverdale from ruin, but it's more than a little bit awkward.

    All of the group back together again

    22. In case you were wondering, here is photo proof that Pop Tate is alive and well:

    Pop Tate

    23. And, well, we end with the ~mystery~ of the season. Tabitha says her goodbyes to a Pop's employee named Lynette, aka Squeaky (surely a nod to Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, member of the Manson family). Lynette decides to travel to California, but, as Jughead says in voiceover...she never makes it. DUN DUN DUNNNN.

    Tabitha side by side with Lynette trying to hitch hike.

    Alright, that's all I've got, other than some quick observations about Jughead's massive new chest tattoo and that Archie's hair is approximately 10 shades redder this season. Any theories about Lynette's death? Or the Trash Bag Killer? I'm personally digging this flash-forward vibe so far, and I'm excited to see where it takes us all on this journey we call Riverdale.