It's the end of summer, which means a lot of things to me. One last trip to the beach, one last barbecue, one last dose of hallucinogenic maple syrup mushrooms, and one last visit to the Church of Jason Blossom. Yep, Riverdale is back, baby.
1.Alright, so at the end of the midseason finale, Riverdale's most notorious convicts broke out of prison and headed...straight to trash Riverdale High, which feels more like "senior prank" than "horrible crime ring," but okay.
2.Veronica has a new life purpose outside of running a speakeasy or a maple rum company — and it's literally this...blue rock.
3.Smithers frankly deserves better than being on opal delivery watch.
4.This absolute monster is out of prison and has started a ministry, because of course she did! But not just ANY ministry! A cult ministry that worships...JASON BLOSSOM and drinks maple syrup wine. I promise we'll get to all this later.
5.Betty did Smartfood #spon.
6.Tabitha gets held up at gunpoint, and it's hardly even a plot point in the episode. The amount of horrible things that happen in this one diner and the way it's just shrugged off is kind of wild. Like, do you remember that Veronica once LIT A SERIAL KILLER ON FIRE THERE? Or how about the time Fred Andrews was almost killed?
7.LOL, so Darla and Dodger (who, as Veronica reminds us, crashed Thanksgiving at the El Royale once upon a time) also got out of jail in the prison break and come to rob Veronica's very poorly secured jewelry store — and yup, that includes her precious opal.
8.Then Darla disguises herself as a nurse at the hospital, which has ALWAYS been set in, like, 1940.
9.And, uh, so Archie made a deal with Hiram that he would round up the criminals that Hiram HIMSELF let escape from prison, but unfortunately, this plan hits a snag when Hiram is also kidnapped.
10.Genuinely, my favorite thing to come out of this episode was the team-up between Tabitha and Betty to try and figure out what the heck happened to Jughead, who absolutely does not deserve either of them, sorry.
11.Speaking of Jughead, he's NOT DOING GREAT.
12.Tabitha and Betty meet up with Jughead's ex, Jess, from New York, the one who supplied Jughead with the shrooms that caused him to fixate on Mothmen and Mole People.
13.But enough about all of that, let's go back to the ministry!!!
14.At first, Cheryl thinks it's only about scamming people out of their money, but after a brief visit with JASON'S SKELETON, she reconsiders.
15.This leads us into a COMPLETELY BONKERS AND UNNECESSARY MUSICAL NUMBER! I have no words.
16.And this happens:
17.AND! THIS! HAPPENS!
18.There's no way this is leading down a healthy path for Cheryl. I just want her to be happy.
19.Meanwhile, in the sex bunker:
20.Meanwhile, at the El Royale:
21.And, finally, Jughead realizes he'll never feel truly free until he unpacks the trauma he endured in NYC, so he plans to go there. Unfortunately for him, he hitches a ride on the MURDER TRUCK.
Anyway, that's all I've got this week. Next week, Riverdale brings us the Hiram Lodge origin story I swear nobody asked for. I will be on vacation though, so I'll see you back here in two weeks for the next recap.