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    28 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "They pushed a kid down the stairs on purpose and they had no remorse..."

    1. Forgive me for starting this recap on a bit of a sappy note, but at its heart, this episode was all about family — which is really what the epic highs and lows of Riverdale are all about. It's about parents murdering their children. About families joining cults together and levitating their babies over fire. About children waterboarding their parents with maple syrup. About the serial killer genes that run rampant in families.

    Betty Alice Juniper Dagwood Chic and Charles at a birthday dinner for Juniper and dagwood with the caption "I cannot wait to discuss everything happening in this photo"

    2. I promise we will get to that very special family reunion very soon. But Riverdale is also a show about pretending to introduce new couples while ultimately friend-zoning them so that Bughead and Varchie can be together for the trillionth time.

    Jughead and Tabitha kissing

    3. Unfortunately, Glen is still in town, and even more unfortunately, he's only wearing a robe when we first see him this episode. He thinks there might be a connection between Black Hood and the recent murders that have been happening in Riverdale, and he has one rule for this FBI investigation:

    Glen says "No Jugheads allowed"

    4. Cheryl takes Min Min (Minerva's new Cheryl-ized nickname) to collect maple syrup from the groves, but unfortunately the buckets are completely empty, which prompts her to say this:

    Cheryl holding an empty maple syrup bucket and saying "I am shooketh"

    5. But WHY is the maple syrup tapped, you may ask? (You actually probably wouldn't ask because no one gives a flying fuck about the Blossoms' maple syrup business, but alas!) Anyway, Nana Rose is convinced it's all to do with that pesky Blossom family curse.

    Nana Rose with "You wish to have the curse reversed? I'll need a certain potion first" as the caption, a line from Into the Woods

    6. Hiram is scheming yet again, and it's still so boring. This week, he wants to mine Riverdale's palladium supply??? Apparently, that's a metal that's more valuable than gold AND Riverdollars combined, and it's conveniently stashed under the prison and the Blossoms' maple groves.

    Hiram with the caption insert scheme to get rich, ruin Riverdale, and piss off Archie here

    7. By the way, in case you're keeping track, Reggie has lost the conscience he found last week and is working with Hiram again.

    Nana rose with Reggie saying "Florals? For spring? Groundbreaking"

    8. This guy is theoretically Jughead's literary agent, but I'm pretty sure his actual career is just eating hot dogs in the park?

    9. Jughead decides that the only way he can break through his writers block is to take a bunch of maple mushrooms to unlock his trauma??? He asks his new "pal" Tabitha to babysit him just in case, and she makes him a burger with a maple mushroom sauce.

    Jughead eating a hamburger with the caption "this really ~is~ a special sauce"

    10. Ugh, freaking Chad is back and he lures Veronica back to NYC with lurid pics of her kissing Archie in his sexy football coach attire before he's willing to sign their divorce papers.

    11. Unfortunately, it seems like Juniper and Dagwood have inherited some of the...darker Cooper family traits. Yeah, so, the twins pushed a kid named Jerry down the stairs and showed no remorse. It's not great.

    12. This episode also introduces another exhausting plotline when Archie's general comes to town, and — like EVERY CHARACTER WHO COMES TO TOWN — he is secretly evil.

    General Taylor with the caption "It's me...yet another villain"

    13. Just to give you a look ~behind~ the recap, these are the notes I took about Veronica and Chad's plotline in their original form, and I don't think I can really improve upon them:

    Chad and Veronica with notes about their plot line and Chard extorting Veronica

    14. Glen admits to Betty that he's secretly just been writing his dissertation, Family of Darkness: Varying Displays of Serial Killer Genes in the Cooper Family Tree, this entire time. When I TELL YOU that I CACKLED.

    Betty looking at the dissertation and then at glen with the caption "That feeling when your FBI boyfriend is secretly writing his dissertation about the serial killer genes in your family, amirite?"

    15. LOL, so Hiram blows up the prison, and all of the inmates escape, including Penelope Blossom.

    Penelope coming out of prison with the caption coming out of my cage and I've been doin just fine

    16. Anyway, part of Hiram's plan is that the escapees hold Riverdale High hostage during parent-teacher night. VERY NORMAL STUFF. It's chaotic, but at least we get to see Kevin wield a sword:

    Kevin with sword

    17. Like, this absolute CHAOS??? All so that Hiram Lodge can, like, sell some houses, I guess?

    Archie holding a guy at sword point while he aims a gun

    18. Meanwhile, Reggie lights the maple groves on fire, which is the only other way Hiram ever responds to his problems:

    Reggie lighting the maple on fire

    19. Okay, now the moment we've ALL been waiting for — the absolute chaos that ensues at the Cooper family home. There are, of course, two more prison escapees: Chic and Charles.

    Juniper holding Charles' hand with the caption "me" and "my anxiety"

    20. BTW, Chic is now rocking long hair and a middle part, like the on-trend sociopathic Hanson brother wannabe that he is:

    Chic side by side with Betty and the caption "Wow Betty, still rocking a side part and skinny serial killer genes? Get with the times!"

    21. It's Juniper and Dagwood's 9th birthday — time really does fly like babies over a fire, huh? So, the family sits down together like a normal family of serial killers and sociopaths, with a couple of guns at the table, of course.

    Cooper Family at the table

    22. Ummm, yeah, and the reason Charles and Chic REALLY came is because they wanted to get married...oh, and by the way, Alice is conveniently already ordained! So, yeah, there was a whole-ass WEDDING this week on top of everything else.

    Wedding picture with the caption "Through sickness and health and serial killings"

    23. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! So, Glen shows up at the party and we learn that he and Charles were ~nemeses~ at FBI school (which is where Glen got the idea for his dissertation). That leads to this moment:

    24. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!!! So, Charles suggests playing a game of "Pincushion Man" where the "youngest member of the family" jabs the "pincushion" with a "pin," but the "pincushion" in this case is Glen and the "pin" is a knife. Unfortunately, the youngest family member is Juniper.

    Charles passes a knife to Juniper

    25. Yeah, so anyway, then Betty stabs Glen...but it's all just a distraction so she can turn around and throw the knife at Chic. (I feel like she kind of wanted to stab Glen, TBH????)

    Betty reacting to the chaos

    26. Meanwhile, in the sex bunker...Jughead is seriously hallucinating! He makes out with Dream Betty and then sees this alien entering the bunker. Is it a memory? Or something really happening? Or just the influence of maple mushrooms???

    Jughead side by side with an alien entering the sex bunker

    27. I really have no idea what the heck happened with Cheryl, Penelope, and Nana Rose at the end. I guess Penelope warned them about the fire, and Nana suggests sacrificing Minerva (who rightfully peaces THE HELL OUT)! Instead, they end up praying to the Blossom ancestors and I guess it works??? This. Show.

    Penelope and Cheryl praying

    28. Finally, Tabitha returns to the sex bunker only to find Jughead missing and lots of traces of blood. This is approximately the 18th time this man has been fake murdered on this show, and I'm tired! But I guess it's only the first time he's been ~officially~ abducted by aliens. So there's that...

    Tabitha side by side with Jughead's bloody manuscript, yeah. That's what happened on the Riverdale midseason finale! We won't be getting any new episodes until the summer, but I'll see y'all then. Until then, leave your comments, theories, questions, and concerns. This recap has been brought to you by Tostitos chips and flannel shirts:

    Archie, Frank, and Eric in the kitchen with Tostitos chips