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    21 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "Flex for my followers!"

    1. This week, Riverdale went above and beyond fulfilling the CW's shirtless men clause in just the first few moments of the episode:

    Archie, Fangs, and Kevin shirtless

    Prefacing this recap by saying I think my brain is once again broken, because I found this to be a pretty "normal" episode by Riverdale standards even though there were multiple references to aliens. So the things that "actually" happened this week are pretty tame compared to, say, a bear attack, levitating babies, or mapleboarding, but I tried my darndest.

    2. Archie and Betty are still friends with benefits, and I had to laugh at the sheer volume of candles lit for this hookup:

    Archie and Betty hooking up with candles in the background and the caption "baby, thank you for creating so many fire hazards for me"

    Does ANYONE light this many candles in real life? This feels like extreme TV energy.

    3. Veronica's husband Chad is back in the picture again this episode, and Veronica says exactly what I've thought every time this man appears on screen:

    Veronica side by side with a text from chad saying "not now, chad"

    I've unfortunately just realized that Chad rhymes with Dad, which cannot be a coincidence in the Lodge household.

    4. Juniper and Dagwood really take after their father, Jason, in that they have seemingly taken a vow of silence! But it was nice to see them again for a change...

    Alice with Juniper and Dagwood with the caption "the face of a woman remembering her grandkids do, in fact, exist"

    Again, I absolutely could NOT tell you which child is Juniper and which is Dagwood, and I'm fairly certain the Coopers can't either.

    5. Smithers is back! That's all!

    Smithers with heart eye emojis!

    This man does far too much work outside of his job description, like researching contractors for Veronica's apartment. He pops up every once in a while for ~literally~ one scene to remind us he exists. He deserves to retire alongside Pop Tate.

    6. Katy Keene, who is apparently the only resident of NYC, calls Veronica and tells her that Chad has been seen around Lacy's (lol) with a Spiffany's (lol) heiress!


    7. So, as ~revenge~, Veronica asks Eric and Archie to pose for a selfie while they remodel her home.

    A picture of Eric, Veronica and Archie posing for a selfie. Flex for my followers - Veronica, Lol k def not gonna do that - eric, basically

    I still don't trust Eric, but maybe this show has just left me with trust issues.

    8. Riverdale continued its product placement streak by having Jughead indulge in a bag of Lay's potato chips.

    Betty and Jughead making eye contact with the caption "nice to lays eyes on you" and "people still chip us together" because Jughead is eating from a Lay's chip bag

    Pretty sure this is the first time these two have made eye contact since the time jump.

    9. Toni, Kevin, and Fangs gathered the group together to share some news — Kevin and Fangs are engaged and having a baby, and Toni is their surrogate. The trio plans to raise the baby together.

    Picture of toni, kevin, and fangs with the caption First comes cult, then comes tickles, then comes baby in the baby carriage

    Honestly, this is super cute and I love this little fam. Unfortunately, things are actually a little rocky for Fangs and Kevin — the episode opened with Kevin seemingly cheating, but it turns out they're in an open relationship. More on this later.

    10. Toni and Cheryl have their first healthy conversation in a while — until Cheryl goes full Cheryl and decides to create a little chaos instead.

    Toni and Cheryl

    Toni explains that she found out she had a medical condition that would have made getting pregnant much harder for her the older she got, which is why she decided to have a kid now.

    11. During a painting session with Minerva, Cheryl decides to throw a key party as a kind of backwards way to get to Toni. Again, WAY too many candles for a town whose only fire department is run by Archie Andrews. But as a thirtysomething, this line truly made me cackle:


    Basically, everyone pairs off by picking a key out of a bowl, but it kind of backfires and absolutely none of the pairs even end up hooking up, so the whole thing is basically pretty silly???

    12. The whole point of the party, I guess, was so Cheryl could show Toni that she made a not-at-all creepy, totally chill, and normal nursery in her totally not-haunted house.


    13. Jughead's...not doing great! He's suffering from a blackout from a period where he did Jingle Jangle and even harder drugs in NYC, and it's manifesting in him having flashes of aliens wherever he goes???


    14. It would be slightly hilarious if what Jughead's ~actually~ remembering is seeing some off-off-Broadway one-man show in NYC after using too much Jingle Jangle.

    Alien with the caption "one singular sensation"

    15. This was a very relationship-focused episode (hence the lack of some of the more ~wild~ Riverdale plotlines), so here's where all of our couples left off. After the key party, Kevin told Fangs he wasn't quite ready for marriage. :(

    :( Fangs

    Things end in a sad place, but I know these two will make it because they've survived way worse — like the time they were in that organ-harvesting cult together. (Sorry, I'll never be over it!)

    16. Betty and Archie decide to be just friends, because honestly Betty is going through it right now and what she really needs is a friend. Fair.


    Why is everyone making me sad this week?! Pls, more weird stuff next week instead of these ~emotions~!

    17. Tabitha is already a wonderful presence in Jughead's life — when Jughead decided to attend an alien encounters support group (lol), she stayed by his side and then took care of him when he got too drunk at Cheryl's party. She's a keeper.


    18. Archie and Veronica still have feelings for each other, and they hook up after she finally ditches Chad!

    Veronica and Archie kissing with the caption "we're endgame archie"

    Unfortunately, I have a bad feeling that Chad will be back. He gives off very strong Hiram vibes, in the sense that we will never be rid of him.

    19. And Cheryl and Minerva also kissed this week!

    Cheryl and Minerva kiss

    I'm still super intrigued by Minerva's endgame. Does she have a forgery plan? Did she really just want a Cheryl Blossom original? Only time will tell!

    20. Finally — and importantly — Polly is still missing, but Alice has seemingly been getting calls from her that sound like they're "from a spaceship," taking E.T. phone home a bit too literally for my taste.

    Betty on the phone with the caption "whatever you do, don't say tangerine"

    21. Sadly, the episode doesn't end on a very hopeful note for Polly — Betty and Alice try to track her down, but see a bloody and destroyed phone booth instead with no sign of Polly.


    And that's a wrap on this week! What do you think is going on with Jughead and the mothmen? Do you think Polly is okay? Would you have accepted Cheryl's creepy nursery? Let me know in the comments!