28 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "I've seen a porcelain doll possessed by my deceased brother move faster than you."

    1. Previously on Riverdale, Archie and Jughead were trapped in a fire that looked extremely life-threatening, but it turned out they had two fire extinguishers easily accessible and the house was basically undamaged except for a little bit of soot on picture frames. Of course!

    Side by side of the fire from last episode and this week the house undamaged with a pop's milkshake intact on the table

    2. The fire sparks (lol) Archie's newest hobby of the week. From musician to football player to boxer to wrestler to mafia assistant to vigilante to bear wrestler to gym owner to soldier to teacher to savior of Riverdale, now Archie has decided to start Riverdale's volunteer fire department just like his Grandpa Artie.

    Archie talking to Jughead with the caption this really lit a fire under me, Juggy

    3. As is the case with most of Archie's hobbies, he realizes he is completely useless and requires Veronica's help.

    Veronica with the caption "my best friend katy keene star of katy keene now streaming on HBO Max knew a firefighter one..."

    4. Betty and Alice visit Dr. Curdle Jr. at the morgue the way others might catch up with friends over a cup of coffee.

    Dr. Curdle Jr. saying see you same time next week, right?

    5. The good news is Cheryl has finally left the house. The bad news is she (a woman in her mid-twenties) left the house to challenge a high schooler to a dance-off.

    Cheryl dancing with a caption about spirit fingers as a bring it on reference

    6. So, remember how Jughead and Tabitha learned that there was maybe probably an alien invasion by the "mothman"? Well, it turns out that Pop Tate was once interviewed for a piece about the mothman (mothmen? mothpeople?), which I was selfishly thrilled about because it meant Pop Tate was back this episode.

    Tabitha realizing she needs to get out of riverdale

    7. Archie's friend Eric from "the war" (we! still! do! not! know! what! war!) comes for a visit, and he immediately gives off the same vibes as Uncle Frank, which is to say...he's going to be an issue.

    Eric with the caption, "There's a 100% chance this man is sketchy

    8. Pop (who looks so happy in his retirement, I love to see it!) tells us about his experience with the mothman.

    Pop with the caption "all i ever wanted was to run my business in peace without aliens r jingle jangle or serial killers"

    9. We get to see young Pop as he tells us about the time he was at Pop's and saw some flashing lights that were maybe aliens or maybe a military experiment or maybe just like a huge rager???

    10. But, PLOT TWIST, someone else we know and love was at Pop's that night — NANA ROSE!!!!

    11. As it turns out, Nana Rose did see the lights, and she believes they're from the mothman ship because she found an alien corpse, had an autopsy performed on it, and PRESERVED THE BODY IN MAPLE SYRUP! Because of course she did!

    Jughead looking incredulous with the caption, "Ma'am, this is an Arby's..."

    12. LOL, so none of Archie's friends want to join his fire club, so he recruits a bunch of teenagers to risk their lives putting out fires when they were just, like, trying to go to school.

    Archie training

    13. Unfortunately, Veronica is engaging in equally stupid behavior, by attempting to fix the Riverdale economy by printing money ("riverdollars") with her face on it.

    Veronica side by side with her riverdollars saying "I dedicated this money to my biggest hero"

    14. I absolutely hate to have to agree with Hiram, but I do:

    Hiram saying "you and Archie. printing money, starting a fire department. Who does such things?"

    15. Speaking of Hiram, he won't let FBI Agent Elizabeth Cooper and Sheriff Tom Keller search the swamp for dead bodies for...reasons???

    Betty flashing her badge side by side with Hiram saying "Oh i think you're gonna need better than that badge you got out of a Jacker Crack box, Betty"

    16. Betty remembers to call her FBI boyfriend, and he lets her know that the TRASH BAG KILLER (world's funniest serial killer name!) is on the loose again.

    He's back. The Trash Bag Killer

    17. With a tip from Reggie who remembers he's human for, like, one second, Betty finds out about another dead body — this time, the victim is a teen named Margaret Harper.

    Dr. Curdle with the caption "the left side of her body was pulverized as if with a wrecking ball. Dr. "miley cyrus" curdle jr.

    18. As a little treat, Nana Rose sends over the preserved alien corpse to Jughead and Tabitha:

    Jughead next to the corpse asking "what are you looking at?"

    19. Jughead plans to send the thing off to a scientist, which leads Tabitha to ask this perfectly valid question:

    Tabitha saying "So what in the meantime it's just business as usual while a xenomorph melts in my diner's back room?"

    20. Cheryl officially starts working with the River Vixens again and delivers a throwback line to one of my all-time fave Riverdale duos — JJ and Julian! I've missed these sweet bbs.

    Cheryl saying I've seen a porcelain doll possessed by my deceased brother move faster than you lot" next to a picture of JJ and Julian

    21. All the River Vixens drama meant Cheryl and Toni had an emotional reunion, but they're still not on good terms. And we still don't know the story behind Toni's baby...

    Toni and Cheryl

    22. Also in Cheryl land, Minerva Marple (remember her?) somehow figured out that the $250k portrait of Jason Blossom was a forgery, and it seems like she's about to get into some scheming with Cheryl.

    23. Ummm, okay so Jughead gets abducted by aliens!!! Bye, Jughead!

    Jughead with the caption "live footage of me emerging after the pandemic"

    24. Archie and his fire club get their first fire, and something about how this guy alerted them really cracked me up:

    Guy asking archie "you guys the fire department?"

    25. BTW, just as an aside, Archie's fire club is sponsored by CORE water.

    The boys drinking core water with the caption "to wash down Hiram's Doritos"

    26. In sad news, Archie was unable to save this man, Earl, from the fire. At this point, the death toll in this town is so astronomically high it would be impossible to count.

    Earl with a message of Goodbye Earl

    27. Kevin and Fangs realize it wasn't nice of them not to volunteer to be firefighters (though, I honestly disagree! I think it's perfectly acceptable to opt out of your friend's fire club!), so they join up:

    Kevin and Fangs with "we can tickle the fires" as a caption

    28. And finally, Betty and team discover that there's actually like 21 missing girls and Riverdale almost definitely has a serial killer problem once again. An arsonist, a serial killer, and a mothman — and that's just one week in this town.

    Betty and Alice talking to Toni and Sheriff Keller with the caption "methinks this calls for a new murder board"

    Well, that was a lot to unpack and preserve in a maple syrup barrel. Any theories? Questions? Concerns? Tell me in the comments, and I'll see ya next week!