27 Things That Actually Happened On "Riverdale" This Week

    "If you promise to never bring up the epic highs and lows of high school football..."

    1. Despite a seven-year time jump, Archie, Betty, Jughead, and Veronica are now back at Riverdale High as teachers — which is frankly pretty insulting to all the extremely hard-working and qualified teachers of the world.

    Archie, Betty, and Jughead standing in a literal love triangle

    2. Naturally, Jughead has a problem with teaching Of Mice and Men for some reason. I guess it's way too basic for a literary mind like Forsythe Pendleton Jones III, whose bestseller was a crappy knockoff of his own life.

    Jughead with the caption "I jughead jones do not read books for plebes are you kidding me? "

    3. One of Betty's students is scared because her father was a serial killer, and I have to say this is 100% valid! I, too, would not personally LOVE it if my teacher's father were a serial killer who victimized my town, I'm sorry to say.

    Student asks betty if her dad was the black hood and betty replies, "um serialsly"

    4. Jokes aside, I am really obsessed with Betty's outfit here:

    Betty in a denim outfit with the caption "made from 100% serial killer jeans"

    5. Hiram's doing Doritos #SPON now, but this is just even more proof of his villainy because he picked original over cool ranch.

    Hiram eating doritos with the caption "not a commercial"

    6. I'm genuinely so happy Kevin and Fangs stuck together and made it through their relationship drama, and by drama I DO MEAN the time when they were in the organ-harvesting cult and also the time that they made tickle porn together.

    7. Barchie had a Titanic hookup moment, which is all well and good, I just don't have the heart to remind them how that movie ended...

    Archie's hand side by side with the hand scene in the Titanic

    8. A tangent, but did anyone else notice Betty dip her fingers into Archie's belly button?

    Picture of Archie and Betty hooking up

    9. Jughead interviews his future-girlfriend, Tabitha, for his book (she is definitely going to hate him when this book comes out, that much I know!) and she leads him to a guy who was ranting and raving about the "moth man."

    Tabitha being interviewed by Jughead

    10. Alright, next on this dumpster fire of an episode (literally, I'm not trying to be mean)...there was a trash can fire in the middle of the hall.

    Literally a fire in the school trash captioned '2021' with someone attempting to put it out with a fire extinguisher

    11. Hiram really, really, really wants Riverdale High to fail for plot reasons, so he did what any Rum Mafioso would do — got a few high school kids to do his bidding and light a fire. Also, Reggie now coaches the Stonewall Prep football team...

    Reggie standing outside

    12. Jughead's students, Farchie and Fughead, troll him with a tip jar after learning he works at Pop's, which is honestly mean, but they make a good point wondering why their bestselling novelist teacher is working two jobs.

    Farchie and Fughead sitting at their desks in class

    13. I'm really sorry to bear the news that Veronica and Chad sang "Shallow" from A Star Is Born at karaoke night. I didn't mean to ruin your day.

    Veronica and Chad singing with the caption "this is our punishment for "glee" being off the air in 2018"

    14. But Archie and Kevin's reactions to the song were the best part:

    Kevin wiping the tears streaming down his face and Archie slightly smiling during the performance

    15. So, after last week's ending, Polly Cooper is missing. Luckily, she has an FBI agent as a sister! Betty tracks down a lead named "truckerboy69" (nice) on a site called Nedd's List (lol).

    Betty asks her witness, "where were you last night (checks notes truckerboy69)?

    16. Cheryl continues to be the Bob Ross of Riverdale:

    Cheryl painting with the captions "me on Friday night vs. me on Sunday night" with her demeanor changing from happy to serious

    17. For some reason, this portrait of Jason Blossom is worth $250k??? And Cheryl is forging it? Because Nana Rose has some kind of painting forging scheme going?

    18. I would trust this woman with my life, so I am here for the ride of this bizarre painting scheme:

    Nana Rose scheming as she looks at Cheryl during a painting session

    19. So, uh, Jughead goes to talk with the moth man guy (this is not him, this is just his...moth man shrine?) and basically the moth men are aliens??? I'm tired, and the portion of my brain that can retain this information has been long since filled with Gryphons & Gargoyles, Edgar Evernever, and Jingle Jangle.

    20. While Archie attempts to reassemble the Bulldogs (with a female player named Britta, which is cool!), Toni has reassembled the River Vixens — which Cheryl is NOT pleased about. But more on that later.

    Toni walking and wearing HBIC shirt and the river vixens behind her with the caption "petition to make this the official poster of Season 5"

    21. Jughead suggests Tabitha might be able to sponsor the Bulldogs and gives us this genuinely great throwback line to the best/worst line of dialogue in Riverdale history.

    jughead saying "if you promise to never mention the epic highs and lows of high school football...

    22. A lot happened with Veronica and Chad, but the biggest thing you need to know is that they ended up taking a break (Veronica goes by Lodge again at the end of the episode) and Chad used the phrase "awesome sauce" unironically.

    Chadwick with his luggage on the floor with the caption, "my emotional baggage from watching five seasons of this show"

    23. Well, well, well, well, well. Somebody's been spilling secrets all around Riverdale, and no I'm NOT talking about the secret of the timeline of this show, which is still an enigma...

    Cheryl with a rotary phone with the caption "extremely 2021 phone energy"

    24. ...turns out Ms. Bell is a big ol' blabbermouth! Not only is she the one who told Cheryl, but she's also leaking secrets to Hiram Lodge.

    Ms. Bell with the caption "who's that messing up everything????"

    25. Things are NOT looking great for Polly! Turns out the car sex hand moment might have just been foreshadowing this dead body hand moment at the end of the episode.

    Hand coming from the ground with the caption "hey, can you give me a hand here?"

    26. And we end on quite the cliffhanger! Thanks to his tipoff about the Riverdale Bulldogs from that traitor Ms. Bell, Hiram does the logical and sane thing that a grown-ass man should do — sets Archie and Jughead's house on fire with them in it.

    Picture of the fire with the caption "this really was a fire episode"

    27. In conclusion: Hiram started the fire. Guys, IDK, I guess I had a lot of time today, so please forgive, but I did take the liberty of writing a song called "Hiram Started the Fire" to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel. Please enjoy it or, rightfully, tell me to go outside and take a walk...

    Hiram with the caption "hiram started the fire" by billy joel

    Okay, well, on that note! Riverdale comes back March 10, which is for the best because I broke my brain trying to write that song. Do you think the hand in the ground was Polly's? Will Juggy and Archie survive the fire? (Yes.) Let me know what you think in the comments below.