I've Never Seen "Pretty Little Liars," So I Watched The Pilot And Finale And Nothing In Between

    I wanted to figure out the BURNING question that people asked for years: WHO IS "A"?

    Hi guys! I'm Farrah, and today I'm going to do a First Episode/Last Episode that people keep requesting in the comments: Pretty Little Liars. I know this is a TV show that's based on a book series, but I've never read them.

    Here's what I know about Pretty Little Liars. Four girls are being haunted by their friend who mysteriously died. She goes by "A." One of the girls is dating her teacher in secret, which is a storyline that is just like...why? Anyway, they're all trying to figure out who "A" is.

    So let's begin! Here are my thoughts on the first episode and last episode of Pretty Little Liars without watching anything in between.

    Wow, this is such a 2010 vibe. We're in a creepy barn (I think) but the girls are blasting 3OH!3 and drinking.

    OK, so this is Hannah, Emily, Aria, and Spencer. And just like in a cliché horror movie, they hear something creepy outside. Ooooo, spooky!

    Don't worry. It's only Ali, the fifth friend. I don't know why they were so worried if they expected her?

    Anyway, they fall asleep in the murder shed and wake up because Spencer heard a scream, but...they don't call the cops??? That's the end of the cold open, though. Pretty solid!

    We jump to a year into the future, where we discover 16-year-old Aria is back in town after traveling with her family for a year. I have some questions. Did Aria still go to school when she was traveling abroad? If so, how? Aria also knows her dad slept with another woman. WHOOPS.

    Aria drops her brother off at lacrosse practice then goes to grab a hamburger at...a dive bar. Why not McDonald's? How did they even let her into this bar? Anyway, this guy's name is Ezra and I'm 99% certain he's gonna be her teacher.

    Aria and Ezra hit it off because Ezra thinks she's in college, and then they go into the dirty dive bar bathroom to make out. Romance!

    Meanwhile, Hanna is shopping with her BFF Mona. And by shopping I mean thieving!!!

    The first day of school starts, and Emily and Aria are in the same English class. I wonder who their teacher is!!!

    Just kidding. You know who it is. BUT THEY BOTH MAKE A BIG FUCKING DEAL OF IT? Ezra could have easily played it off, but the whole damn class looks at them like they're suspicious. I hate them both already.

    Half a second after that realization, the first "A" text message comes through on Aria's super cool 2010 flip phone. UH OH!!!!!

    Emily goes to Ali's old house to deliver a welcome basket for their new neighbors. The cute new girl who now lives there asks a few questions about what happened.

    Then we meet Spencer and Spencer's prissy sister, who is moving into the guest house that Spencer renovated all summer. THE AUDACITY! I hate her already.

    But her boyfriend is super nice. And British, so that's a plus.

    Aria confronts Ezra at school, and this is where their relationship should literally end. I know that it doesn't. BUT I CAN HOPE.

    Emily and her new cute neighbor share an almost-kiss in front of her house, and OF COURSE "A" targets her next. Who is this person who is constantly spying on them?!

    Meanwhile, Spencer and her sister's boyfriend share a lil' massage moment in the kitchen after they run into each other on their way to the jacuzzi. Scandalous.

    But they jump apart when Spencer's sister comes home with groceries, which leads to...

    ...another mysterious letter from "A." For Spencer this time. Wouldn't that mean that this "A" person was inside her house? Because that's where she was with her sister's boyfriend? HMMM.

    There's a little flashback of Spencer and Ali, and we learn that Spencer has hooked up with her sister's boyfriends before. Also, Spencer brings Ali outside to talk for privacy but the doors are glass. LOL.

    Hanna is tracked down by the police because MALL SECURITY caught her on tape stealing. First of all, how did MALL SECURITY identify her, let alone get her full name and address? I HAVE QUESTIONS.

    Then, of course, Hanna gets a message from "A."

    Here's where things get interesting. Emily is walking by cute neighbor girl's house and sees all these cops surrounding it. Cute neighbor girl reveals her body has been found, which...what? OK, so they found Ali's body buried on her property. How was that not one of the first places they meticulously searched?

    But now the girls know the truth: Ali is really dead and not just missing.

    It's the day of Ali's funeral, and guess who comes to comfort Aria? Barf. Aria's like, "You were a jerk!" But Ezra wasn't??? He was just straight with her??? I hate Aria.

    Then they kiss. In public. At Ali's funeral. Where nearly all their classmates are. Honestly, he deserves to get caught and fired at this point.

    Oh yeah, someone mentioned before that Ali and Jenna had some kind of beef. We didn't really get that much context about Jenna, so this dramatic entrance is a bit of a letdown.

    After the funeral, this detective comes up to the girls and is basically like, "I suspect you!!!!" I feel like he's going to complicate things in the first season.

    The pilot ends with...ANOTHER MESSAGE FROM "A," HOW ELSE?!

    So "A" has to be someone who hates their group of friends, right? Why else would they spend time torturing them?? I GUESS I'LL FIND OUT.

    You know what? Overall, that was a pretty good first episode! Well done. I'm hooked. Now, let's get to the predictions for what happens in the rest of the seven seasons.

    Now for the finale! I think it's broken into two parts, but because I rented it from Amazon, it is playing it as if it's one big episode — so that's how I'm watching it.

    We open up with the girls all together at a table outside. They're talking together, and some guy (I'm assuming he plays a big role in the show) starts...tap dancing? In front of them? And they act like this is normal?

    Then Jenna shows up riding a horse dressed like she's late for her circus performance??? WHAT.

    Wait, it's really the finale and they DON'T know who "A" is????

    Then it starts snowing. I'm so lost. What is this show? Just...what? Also, who is the fifth blonde girl in their group?

    OHHH, fine. The cold open was Mona's dream. That explains the weirdness. She looks like she's in some kind of mental ward — it looks very cold and unwelcoming. Someone enters, presumably "A"? And she says THIS:

    The theme song opens up, and the fifth blonde girl is there again. So she must be important?

    ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? EZRA MADE IT THROUGH ALL SEVEN GODDAMN SEASONS? Of course they're an insufferable couple who wrote a ~book~ together that's gonna be a ~movie.~ Ugh.

    AND THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED. Jesus Christ. Someone explain to me how Aria told her parents that she's been dating her teacher since she was 16.

    We jump over to Emily, who's feeding not one, but TWO babies. She's a mother of twins. How old are they supposed to be at this point? Also, Emily is dating the blonde girl.

    Then we cut to Spencer and her sister, who seem to get along just fine? Maybe some shit went down between them in other seasons. There's also a little callback to the loft from the pilot.

    I feel like this guy is important. He's returned from doing charity work in Africa, and I'm getting the sense that he and Spencer have ~a thing~ for each other.

    HAHAHA WAIT. The blonde girl is Ali??? Oh my god, I think it's the same actress but I didn't recognize her. Wow. I can't believe it took me this long!!!!!!

    But also, what the fuck? Didn't they find Ali's body in her backyard? How the fuck did she come back from the dead?

    That brunette student (Addison?) is some kind of troublemaker, I guess. Jenna's also there. Does she work at the school too? Anyway, I guess everyone hates this Addison girl for some reason.

    Phew, OK. Next we jump to Mona, who's been released and is going to stay with Hanna for a little bit. This seems to cause a little bit of tension between Hanna and her husband. Also...Hanna is married?!

    Aria and Ezra's engagement party is that evening (HURL). And someone is spying on them through the bushes. It seems like it could be Mona?

    There's a scream, but no one is worried because there's a camp nearby. But...was it Mona's scream??

    Hanna and her husband seem...deeply unhappy.

    The creeper in the bushes turns around and it's...Spencer's sister? Is Spencer's sister "A"????

    Everyone crashes in their rooms for the night, and there's a mini sex montage with everyone except Spencer and Jason, who play Scrabble. Love some wholesome fun.

    Aria gets a phone call in the middle of the night and for whatever reason, she tells Spencer she can't marry Ezra. Honestly, thank god. They are the worst. I appreciate some good drama. Can't wait to see how Aria fucked up!!

    And then, something truly bonkers happens. I have...so many questions. First, we think it's Spencer's sister who's spying. But then MONA pulls off her face??? To reveal that it's her all along???? She was wearing Spencer's sister's face? As a mask?? WTF.

    OK, I know finding out you can't have kids is devastating...but this was really the reason Aria felt like she had to call off the wedding? Also, what doctor calls you in the middle of the night? But also, she's known Ezra since she was 16? She knows he's probably a compassionate dude, that's why she's marrying him? She really thinks he'll be like, "YOU KNOW WHAT? CALL IT OFF!!!!!" I was really over here thinking Aria killed someone and had to tell him.

    Then this show continues to get wilder. Mona gets a call...from someone wearing her face? She's working for someone but she doesn't know who? My god.

    Aria's rehearsal dinner is the next night. It seems like a lot happens, but I'm bored. One interesting discovery, however, is that I've just learned that Mona tried to push Hanna off a bell tower? And Hanna is still letting her live with her?

    Later that night, Emily accuses Ali of being weird and talking to her mom. Maybe Emily and her mom don't have a good relationship? But then Emily is like, "TELL ME WHAT MY MOM GAVE YOU." And then an impromptu proposal happens. Aw!

    That same night, Hanna and her hubs work things out...kind of. Hanna says Mona can leave after that night, and it seems to ease the tension between them.

    Toby and Spencer finally hook up. When Spencer goes home, Mona is waiting for her??????

    And she puts her in some weird cage??? Are Mona and Joe from You the same kind of psychotic?

    EXCEPT IT'S NOT ONLY SPENCER IN THE CAGE, BUT SPENCER'S EVIL TWIN ALEX?! And Mary is their mother? This is really something.

    The girls seem to know that Mary Drake is bad news and that everyone should be concerned she's escaped.

    Here's where things get even more bonkers. Spencer's evil Australian twin (Alex) was in cahoots with some guy named Wren, who was in love with Alex. Alex wanted Spencer's life because she thought it was perfect and she'd been through a lot — adoption, foster care, etc. Also, what the fuck happened to Spencer's other sister? The one who stole her loft? Like, did we just forget about her???

    There are a lot of flashbacks where we see Alex pretending to be Spencer, which makes no sense??? Wouldn't Spencer have figured it out? Like, what if her friends mentioned something and Spencer was like, "LOL I did what now?" I mean...WHAT?!

    Alex's evil plan is to keep Spencer in a cage (psychopaths love high-tech cages!!!), so she can pretend to be Spencer forever. We also discover that Alex has killed Wren.

    When Alex shows up at Aria's wedding pretending to be Spencer, we discover that Emily's babies are actually Wren's babies???? SO MANY PLOT LINES IDK HOW TO KEEP UP!

    Gonna stop and take a breather here to point out that even though Aria is the worst, the costume department really did her dirty with her wedding dress. Also, Ezra is M.I.A. Apparently he told Aria he wasn't coming to the wedding...

    ...but it wasn't really him who told her that, it was Alex. Ezra is also locked in a creepy cage.

    Alex comes back and does a lil' more explaining. I guess Charlotte was Spencer and Alex's sister, and she enjoyed playing mind games with the girls? But she's dead now? And Alex is, like, taking over her legacy? Again, I ask where is Spencer's other sister in all this????

    Jenna thinks something's up and tells Toby...

    ...and Toby lets the gang know that something's fishy. Hanna's husband is some pro hacker or something, so he finds out that Ezra's car is still at the hotel.

    At least this show is self-aware. From here, we discover that Mona is listening in on this conversation.

    Meanwhile, Spencer unlocks her cage with a bobby pin...despite the technology being, like, incredibly high tech. Somehow she gets Ezra out too even though she doesn't know the password to his cage? OK then. They try to escape, but they realize the door leads to another room that LOOKS like it's outside, but they're still underground.

    Alex is determined to end this by hacking Spencer to death with an axe. Casual.

    Spencer and Alex fight each other because, you know, Spencer doesn't want to be bludgeoned to death.

    Surprise twist! Mona actually helps the gang and lets them know where Alex is keeping Ezra and Spencer. So everyone runs to their rescue.

    Toby pulls out the gun, but LOL nobody knows which is the real Spencer. That is, until Toby asks a really specific question only Spencer can answer.

    Mona calls 911. Honestly, I don't know why they just didn't let the police handle it in the first place. Alex is arrested: The Evil Twin is defeated!

    We jump to Ezra and Aria's wedding but we're not told how much time has passed. It's very abrupt. Also, we're not told why Aria suddenly has a different wedding dress? Didn't she pay good money for the first one?

    Anyway, Aria and Ezra are getting ready to go on their honeymoon. Hanna is pregnant. We still don't know where Spencer's other sister is. I also don't know if Emily and Ali know they have Wren's babies? Anyway, it seems like all ends well, but...

    ...we jump to Paris, where Mona apparently owns a doll shop? She closes the store and goes downstairs into her creepy basement where she begins playing with a doll house.

    I guess this is Mona's form of torture: Alex and Mary Drake are in a cage. They're also dressed up exactly like Mona's dolls in her doll house. Disturbing, but OK. Also, I have questions!!! How did Mona fly Alex and Mary to Paris? Weren't they arrested? How did they get out of jail? How did she willingly lead them down to the creepy basement and into the cage? Just...why?

    Here we go. The final scene. It's a callback to the pilot. And...I'm bored.

    It's exactly the same. Why? WHY? I mean, it's probably a setup to another spinoff show, but who would watch a show that begins EXACTLY the same way this one did?

    Well, we did it. That was a ride. "A" was not only one person, but...multiple people? If I'm understanding right, it was Mary Drake, Charlotte, Alex, and Mona? Did any of it even make sense? Or were there a lot of plot holes? Did it end like this in the books? Also, how the HELL did Ali come back from the dead???? But other than that, I'm truly curious if people were satisfied with the ending, or if you thought it went off the rails (like Gossip Girl.) Tell me in the comments below!