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I've Never Seen "How I Met Your Mother" So I Watched The Pilot And Finale And Nothing In Between

No one asked for this, but you're welcome.

If you're a fan of How I Met Your Mother and clicked on this, then I imagine you're thinking, "What kind of monster would only watch the pilot and finale of an entire TV show?" It's me. I'm the monster.

Anyway, last weekend I was Googling "best TV comedy pilots" and How I Met Your Mother kept popping up on tons of lists. So I was like, "Huh, I should watch this, I guess." So I did! But once it was over, I decided to skip to the finale.

So, for better or worse, here are all my thoughts and feelings on the pilot and immediately after, the finale.

First, I realized that this narrator was trying to convince me that this boy — Justin Russo — was his SON.

The voice over/freeze frame reminds me of that one meme. You know what I'm talking about.

I'm not sure I believe this 27-year-old man is freaking out about marriage and his love life but OK. Also, I can't believe they named Neil Patrick Harris's character Barney, like the dinosaur.

I don't know these characters yet, but I bet Lily is gonna accept Marshall's marriage proposal. Also, I would just like to point out that there is a billiards ball set in a bowl on the coffee table.

I will say that the fear of opening champagne is real because that shit's unpredictable.

Realistically they would have at LEAST moved to the couch to have sex. That's fun and cute when you're 20 (or is it?) but not when you're almost 30 and can throw your back out.

Ted's hopeless romantic narration is SO SAPPY. I'm also not buying that this is gonna end up being their mother.

OK, fine, I'm sold by their cute banter, but TBH Ted could have told her to throw the drink in Barney's face since he clearly can't stop talking about Lebanese girls.

WAIT A SEC. Robin's boss just rolls up to her doorstep like phones don't exist as she's finishing the date with Ted and tells her she's got to work. WHAT???

Love that Ted's sense of urgency to see Not-The-Mother again or otherwise be forgotten about is based off his friend's very scientific explanation of "hot girl time." And yet, he is gonna commit a petty crime to impress her.

Ted makes it to Brooklyn, but you're telling me this woman lives with FIVE dogs in NEW YORK CITY???? Do FIVE DOGS even fit into an apartment in New York City????

Marshall and Lily are kind of nauseatingly perfect and for that reason I think one of them will probably be unfaithful but marry each other anyway, but I'm not gonna watch the entire season to find out!!

Ted says, "I love you" and honestly if this were realistic Robin would be like, "OK please leave forever bye."

These characters do have good chemistry, but Ted's desperation is making me cringe.

Anyway, this was basically my face when Ted reveals "Aunt Robin," which confused me because I thought Aunt Robin = their mother's sister. My friend set me straight and told me that "aunt" is used because she becomes a close friend.

So, before I tell you my thoughts on the finale, I want to make some predictions of what happens in the 9 seasons I won't watch. I bet at least 40% of them are correct.

- Ted remains a hopeless romantic and goes on many failed dates, to which his kids are like "why are you telling us about the time you fucked Pool Table Cindy I thought this was a story about mom."

- Barney continues to be a skeevy, slimeball and remains single. For whatever reason, the gang keeps hanging out with him.

- Marshall and Lily go through SOME SHIT (he cheats? she cheats? someone gets cold feet?) before they actually get married.

- One of them winds up owning that dive bar they were at.

- Robin joins their friend group for whatever reason even though Ted was A LOT and ends up becoming best friends with Lily.

- There has to be an episode where they're stuck on the subway or something, because that's just NYC.

- Their mother is eventually introduced way later than anyone would have liked.

Now here are my thoughts on the finale, which I know is divided into two parts. I only watched the last part though. I told you I'm a monster.

I know this show ended in 2014, so 2018 must have been a huge jump in time for these characters. Also, Barney keeps going on about how "the gang is back together," so some shit must have gone down to distance them from each other for a while????

I'm understanding that Marshall and Lily have a child(ren?) and so does Ted, but we knew that from the pilot. Barney is still living his best single life, I guess.

Marshall just came in with a suit on (Barney's influence???) and said he's going to be a judge, so I guess he's come really far in his career by Season 9. I also don't get why they're calling him Judge Fudge but I'll roll with it.

WOWOW, BARNEY and ROBIN were almost a THING? This was clearly the one love he took seriously and I cannot fathom how that happened.

Another time jump, so we're in 2019 now. This has to be The Mother because they're talking about their kids. Still don't know why Robin is MIA, but I'm sure she'll turn up because it's the finale.

Barney, who is now in his 40s, got a girl pregnant. So that happened.

ANOTHER TIME JUMP! This finale loves fast-forwarding. It's 2020, and Ted runs into Robin on the street of NYC. Sounds fake because there are too many people, but I've never lived in NYC so maybe I'm wrong. Apparently, Robin is an international reporter and travels a lot.

Robin must have done something to make the gang hate her because it's clear they aren't fans. Marshall referred to Barney as "ex husband" so maybe they were married for real?????

This moment between Barney and his baby is very cringey, but I'm honestly impressed that it's a real baby and not a fake baby.

For someone whose goal was to wife up in the pilot, it's very strange that Ted was engaged to The Mother for FIVE YEARS!!!!! (And apparently they've been together for seven years with two kids, so shit must have gone down?)

They're at the bar on Ted's wedding day which seems like their iconic setting. Barney is truly trash. I get that this moment is supposed to represent Barney has changed, but it's slut shame-y and I'm just not on board with it!!!!

And then Robin shows up for the wedding day, because duh. Lily and her hug it out which makes me think that my theory was right and they did become BFFs.

I really can't with Barney.

I don't want to be mean, but Jason Segel seems 100% over this show. But now we know Marshall is running for Supreme Court which feels like more character ~growth~.

Is she a...photographer? Or does she just really want to take a picture? This moment feels weird on their wedding day LOL.

This feels like a full circle moment, maybe. I'm assuming my theory about one of them eventually owning the bar is wrong, though.

The transition from them getting married is THEN SHE GOT SICK???? WITH WHAT? WHY? THIS IS RANDOM??

This meet-cute is great but I don't understand any of the references and know that it's my fault, so don't come for me. I'm guessing The Mother shows up as "random lady" in many episodes or something before they actually meet.

I guess we 1) will never know how their mother died and 2) now know that they are big Robin fans.

The fact that Robin is yelling at some robot thing to display her security camera feels ON BRAND with the Alexa craze that has befallen on us, so good job lookin' into the future, writers.

We love a Smurf penis callback!!!!!!!

Well, that's the end. Do I regret not watching all 9 seasons? Not really. Will I maybe go back and watch some of the key episodes? If I'm bored, sure. I can see why so many people like the show, but I really feel like the finale was just...OK? I've heard people had mixed feelings about it, so tell me yours in the comments.