I've Never Seen "Vampire Diaries" So I Decided To Watch Only The Pilot And Finale

    No one asked for this, but here we are!

    Hey, internet. I'm Farrah. A lot of you had thoughts on my take on How I Met Your Mother, where I watched the pilot and the finale and nothing in between. Some of you supported me, and others wrote me strongly-worded emails. But if you've stuck around, I hope you'll join me as I continue this new series as I watch the pilot and finale of Vampire Diaries and — you guessed it! — nothing in between.

    I was trying to remember why I never watched this show, then realized it first aired when I was still in college. (I didn't watch a lot of TV when I was finishing school.) I also first got Twitter in 2009 and remember friends constantly tweeting about this show up until, like, 2013? While the chatter peaked my interest, I sadly never watched. The only thing I know about it is there is a love triangle between a girl and two vampire brothers.

    So for better or worse, here are all my thoughts and feelings on the pilot of Vampire Diaries and immediately after, the finale.

    First we have our nameless narrator, who has confirmed that he is a vampire. Is he reading from his diary? Is that why it's called Vampire Diaries? Does he have more than one diary?

    I don't know who this girl and guy are, but I do know that nothing good can come out of driving into fog.

    GASP. SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED. But did they smash into our vampire narrator? If they did that's probably fine, since he can't die.

    Welp, these definitely aren't "vegetarian" vampires like in Twilight.

    And within the first five minutes, they have established that there are vampires and there are diaries!!! A show that upholds its promise!!! We love to see it.

    I never understood teen protagonists who drink black coffee. Do teens drink black coffee???? When I was 15, I was only drinking Frappuccinos made of like 90% sugar.

    Just like Edward Cullen, this new guy is 1) attractive and 2) has some kind of vampire powers, so you can't convince me that him and Edward aren't related.

    Elena and Hot Greaser Vampire just had an oops-we-bumped-into-each-other meet-cute, and he didn't suck her blood yet, but perhaps that's coming?

    And what's a teen show without the moment that both love interests catch each other staring in class!!!!

    I would just like to stop here and mention that I love that the writers thought, "This is definitely teen lingo in 2009" when, in actuality, I don't think anyone on this good Earth has ever spelled "hottie" like that.

    Uh oh, the creepy fog is back. SOMETHING WEIRD MIGHT HAPPEN.

    Hot Greaser Vampire's name is Stefan. Elena's bleeding, but since there is a love triangle I don't think she's gonna be vampire dinner...YET.

    Here it is. FORBIDDEN LOVE. Tempted by her blood!

    Another Edward Cullen similarity is that they both love a good mild stalking sesh.

    Elena's ex seemed like a tool in the beginning, but his response to Bonnie being like, "dude, her parents died four months ago" really cemented that fact.

    Oh no, this guy isn't Stefan's uncle. Stefan is THIS guy's uncle. So...this is a little weird and uncomfortable.


    Oh my god, Bonnie is actually psychic and she absolutely just made THAT face.

    🎶 "Guess who's back...back again." 🎶

    OK, so there are 13 minutes left in the pilot and the second brother in the love triangle has yet to be introduced, which leads me to believe that this might be him? And also he's evil because he kills people???

    I am 100% over Elena's shitty ex. Like, chill dude. HER PARENTS DIED FOUR MONTHS AGO. IT AIN'T ALL ABOUT YOU.

    Oh no, the evil vampire got Elena's brother's crush/hookup!!!

    I KNEW IT HAD TO BE HIS EVIL BROTHER. Look how good he is at making an evil face.

    Damon eats people and Stefan is like Edward who is "vegetarian" and only feasts on animals, but somehow I think the both of them want Elena's blood.

    I love how vampires who can't ever die just wanna go back to high school.

    Damon has decided to go after his brother's reject girl because he lives for ~causing drama~.

    And then we end with another mild stalking session, and for some reason Elena doesn't think this is strange.

    WHEW. That was a journey. Before I go on to watch the finale, I want to make some predictions of what happens throughout the eight seasons.

    - There's a love triangle between Elena, Damon, and Stefan (duh).

    - It feels like a lot of people would be Team Stefan because, as of right now, he is the "good" vampire, but I bet he does something to betray Elena.

    - Damon becomes less evil and more likable? Or maybe he stays the bad boy and Elena's into that.

    - Elena sleeps with both of them. (But not at the same time because this is CW.)

    - Bonnie is actually psychic and her powers become greater.

    - Elena's brother finds out about her sister being in love with two vampires and shit goes down.

    - Caroline dates Damon for a while, but after a period of time he sucks her blood.

    - Like Bella, Elena becomes a vampire at some point.

    And now...here are my thoughts on the finale having zero context of everything that happened in between!

    WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. OK, first of all I am surprised Caroline actually made it to the final season. And she's a vampire?! And it looks like she's in a wedding dress??? Did she marry Stefan? WHAT A TWIST.

    Wow, they really killed Elena?! How??? I didn't see this coming????

    But I guess Bonnie gets to live because British Accent Enzo said so.

    Damon's here. He doesn't want Elena's brother's vampire hookup to ring a giant bell. I'm not sure why. Maybe she's summoning her evil vampire clan or something. I feel like she's turned evil.


    I'm guessing someone's wedding was interrupted by the evil doings of someone named Katherine. Perhaps she is an enemy vampire??? Maybe she killed Elena???


    HAHAHA this is wild. Elena is Evil Katherine???? Katherine can morph into other people's bodies?? Man, I'm confused. But I did this to myself, so it's my fault!

    I think Damon is in love with Elena, and he won her over in the end. So now he has to go save her, otherwise she'll be dead forever. Did Stefan ever confess he only wanted her because she reminded him of his ex from 1864??? That convo must have been awk.

    Stefan has acquired Elena's body, but she's gonna be burned alive because of a magic trap that was set. THE STAKES ARE HIGH.

    This Katherine girl is really playing to Damon's insecurities, huh.

    WOW OK, Caroline really did marry Stefan and they're in love? GUYS, REMEMBER WHEN SHE HIT ON HIM AT THE PARTY AND HE WAS LIKE, "NAH GIRL, BYE." What a long way they've come.

    Bonnie's like, "Step aside brothers. I am gonna save the day because you have zero ideas and I'm the only smart one here."

    I've noticed that in this entire conversation, they address each other by name nearly every time — probably for dramatic impact, but who talks like that?!?!

    WAIT. Stefan is human, but Caroline is a vampire?! Clearly I did not see that coming. I have so many questions.

    Bonnie saves the day cause men ain't shit.

    And because of Bonnie, ELENA IS SAVED! The magic trap is broken. And now Stefan and Elena have a little callback moment.


    At this point, I'm wondering how many people wanted her to end up with Stefan versus Damon.

    I think this is supposed to be a cute moment, but I have no idea who this girl is!

    GASP. They really aren't bringing Stefan back, huh? In this world of vampires and witches and magic they're just gonna give up.

    I thought this was going to be a bigger moment, but I guess a quick little kiss is all we get.

    Apparently Stefan had time to check his voicemail before he died, so that's good news for Caroline.

    THE DIARIES ARE BACK!!!! We've really come full circle, guys.

    If you wear a leather jacket and make sarcastic comments, you, too, can land a hot girl in a small, mystical town.

    I'm a little confused by this ending because Damon just disappears and then Elena sees her family, so are they implying that they both lived a good life then died?

    ENDING ON ANOTHER CALLBACK!!! Was the real love story here the love between two brothers? Probably.

    And that's it! I don't know if I'd go back and watch all eight seasons, but I could be swayed to watch some of the best episodes because I really want to know who ended up sleeping with who and how the hell certain people became vampires. Also...what happened to Elena's brother??? Did I just not recognize him throughout the entire finale!!! To be honest, I have no idea how people felt about the end of this series so please tell me your opinions in the comments!