Skip To Content

    As Someone Who Has Never Seen "Gossip Girl," I Watched The Pilot And Finale And Nothing In The Middle

    I went from beginning to end and found out the truth about Gossip Girl.

    Hi everyone! It's me, Farrah. Today, I am going to take you on a journey through the television series Gossip Girl, where I will only watch the pilot and the finale with absolutely nothing in between.

    Before we get started, I think it is only fair you should know that I've read about five of these books when I was in middle school. In fact, it's the only book my mom ever "banned" me from reading because she saw a blurb on the back that compared it to Sex and the City. But we all know when a parent says you can't do something, you do it!!!

    While I don't remember the plot 100%, here's what I remember the story being about. There are two girls, one blonde (Blair?) and one brunette (I forget her name) who used to be friends but aren't anymore. They're also VERY wealthy. They go to a private school. They have typical high school problems like trying to get into college, except it's a little different because, y'know, they are VERY wealthy. Oh, and it takes place in New York City.

    So for better or worse, here are all my thoughts and feelings on the pilot of Gossip Girl and immediately after, the finale.

    Welp, we're off to a strong start as I JUST NOW realized I've mixed up the names of the main characters. The blonde one is actually Serena, and she's ~mysteriously~ come back to NYC. Also, I forgot that Kristen Bell is the voice of Gossip Girl.

    There's some family drama going on here, but most importantly we learn that Penn Badgley's character luuuurvs Serena. But she doesn't know he exists! Is it because he's not rich? Or (let's be honest) is it the haircut?

    You can really tell these kids are all wealthy as hell because they had the COOLEST phones for 2007. I WOULD HAVE KILLED FOR THIS.

    OK, this is Blair. We've just learned her boyfriend might leave her for Serena. The drama is already beginning!!!

    I'm guessing Blair feels a tad bit threatened because she's trying to jump his bones when her parents are throwing a huge party in the other room.

    Serena shows up. Blair's mother is on the other side of the door loudly announcing that she's here. Nate's like, "COMING!" but not in the way that Blair probably wants him to be coming heh heh heh...get it?

    Now they're hugging? Wait, are they friends? Or is this pretend?

    OK, this is the definition of a look that "shoots daggers," as they say, and cements the fact that Blair hates Serena.

    And now we're ending the day with Dan getting caught up on his daily dose of Gossip Girl. Teens just want that tea!!!!

    WHEW. We're about seven minutes in. This pilot has actually done a great job with pacing. There's a lot going on and a lot of characters, but I think I'm following. We now know that Serena came back because her brother attempted to end his life — but was she sent away for that reason?

    Jesus, Serena's mom is the worst? Implying her daughter went to boarding school just to sleep around? I mean, maybe she has but why is she being so mean and shame-y???

    Listen, I know Gossip Girl and You are two different books/shows with Penn Badgley as the common thread, but hear me out...what if THIS was Joe's origin story?

    Ohhhh, did she sleep with Nate before she went to boarding school? DOES BLAIR KNOW? DRAMA!

    Dan just caught the bus but — LOL — there's an ad for Smallville on it. Remember that show?! Wow, what a time.

    I have a question...why are Chuck (that's what this guy's name is) and Nate on a bus with Dan? Shouldn't they have hired cars or a limo or something taking them to school since they're rich?

    LOL popularity doesn't spare ANYONE from those awkward high school moments, does it?!


    Blair's like, "I can't meet you tonight, sorry. I have plans." And Serena's like, "Oh, no, honey." But also, Serena seems to know the importance of honest communication!!!!

    Love a throwback mention of MySpace!

    All I'm saying is that this episode is really playing out like it's Joe from You's origin story. Hiding in clothes? Eavesdropping on everyone? HMMMMM.

    Jenny invited Serena to the Kiss On The Lips party. I bet it's gonna cause some drama!!!!

    Serena and Blair have met up to talk, and I've just learned that Serena didn't get SENT to boarding school. It was HER idea!!! Why!

    It SEEMS like they've made up, but I still think there's something secret between Serena and Nate.

    Chuck is really that guy who just speaks his mind, isn't he?

    EW. I hate Chuck. He's skeevy and doesn't understand the word "no." Also, he's blackmailing Serena because he knows about the Nate thing.


    Oh my god, Serena stormed out and dropped her phone and OF COURSE DAN FOUND IT. Just like Joe from You got ahold of Peach's phone. Are you all really unconvinced that this is NOT Joe's origin story????

    Dan returned her phone, and through a lil meet-cute (or, uh, a remeet-cute?) moment, they're gonna go to a concert together so Serena can avoid the Kiss On The Lips party.

    OK, I SWEAR I will stop with my Dan is Joe theory, but let me just present one last thing without comment:

    So, we've finally arrived at the Kiss On The Lips party and Chuck is being predatory toward Jenny. YIKES.

    Things are going very well for Dan and Serena, I see.

    Jenny texts Dan about Chuck being all skeevy toward her, which means they're about to show up to the Kiss On The Lips party...UNINVITED. *GASP.*

    Of course, Blair's bitch face jumps out again when she sees Serena at her party.

    Chuck still doesn't understand the word "no," and Serena and Dan rescue Jenny. I thought Dan was going to push him off the roof and Gossip Girl would see everything and put it on the website, but that's not what ends up happening.

    Jenny, Serena, and Dan all leave in a cab while Chuck and Blair glare at them from the front door. Drama!!!!

    And finally, the pilot ends with Kristen Bell as Gossip Girl reminding them that they have school on Monday, which means...more drama!!!!

    Honestly, the pilot does make me want to watch more of the series. But I'm still going to jump in and watch the finale. Before I do, here are my predictions for everything that happens during the rest of the seasons:

    - Blair and Nate don't end up together because — OH BOY — that relationship is already toxic as fuck.

    - I'm going to guess that Serena ends up with a character we haven't met yet, but she does go on to date Dan for a little bit because he's a Nice Guy.

    - I feel like maybe I'm remembering this from the books, but don't Jenny and Eric have a thing for each other at some point?

    - Serena gets hell from Blair at school, but somehow things get better between them — probably around the time Nate is out of her life.

    - They all end up applying for Ivy League schools. Blair doesn't get into her top choice, but Serena does.

    - Chuck keeps on getting away with being a skeevy asshole because he's popular and rich and nobody wants to admit that he's predatory.

    - Dan stays in New York City for college.

    - And finally...who is Gossip Girl? My guess is that it's Jenny, but maybe it's a character that hasn't been introduced.

    And are my thoughts on the finale having zero context of everything that happened in between!

    WHOAAAA! OK! There's a lot happening here. It looks like this episode picks up right where the last episode left off, and I obviously have no clue what's going on. Some old man lunged at Chuck and should have just hit the railing, but somehow he is dangling off the building? It...makes no sense???

    Oh, it's his dad. This is a bit ironic since Chuck should have been pushed off the building by Dan in the pilot after trying to rape Jenny.

    OK, clearly Chuck hates his dad because they just let him fall off the building. And then we cut to...Michelle Trachtenberg? Who looks both evil and important??

    Also, I'm sorry...BLAIR AND CHUCK ended up together???

    Dan has made it to the finale, and he's lookin' real lonely in a fancy but empty apartment in NYC. Also, I'm happy to report his hair cut has improved.

    Serena's on a plane. She tells the pilot to wait while she read...Dan's book? He sent a text to someone about a final chapter, so it's probably a book. Meanwhile, Nate is apparently trying to figure out the identity of Gossip Girl with another girl I don't know.

    For some reason, Blair and Chuck are escaping some fancy event in the trunk of his limo. I guess they already suspect he killed his dad?

    The police are looking for Blair and Chuck, and Vizzini from The Princess Bride is also there?!?!

    LMAO, one of my predictions came true. Except it was for the wrong character. Why did Nate go to jail?!

    Serena read Dan's book, (still unclear if it's a book) and now she's confronting him about who he really is.

    I think you know what I'm about to You theory is holding up pretty well!

    This guy Jack is like, "Basically you have to marry Blair so people don't think you killed your dad." I've also learned that Chuck's dad tried to kill Chuck at some point? This has truly turned into some kind of soap opera. Wild.

    Oh wow, now Chuck's for real proposing to Blair. So many things have happened. Murder. Marriage. What's next?

    Dan has taken Serena on a walk back in time...and I think you already know where I'm going with this.

    Nate and some brunette girl are trying to figure out Gossip Girl's identity. Will they solve the mystery?! Only time will tell.

    I'm so confused. How old are they now? How was Blair married before? WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!

    A lot of stuff with Michelle Trachtenberg and Jack and Serena's mom just happened, but I didn't understand it. AND THEN we jump back to Blair and Dan talking...about Jenny being Gossip Girl?!?

    Nope, Gossip Girl is not Jenny.

    Jack got everyone together at a museum to witness Blair and Chuck getting married even though the police are after Chuck? This is...bonkers. But! At least somehow Blair and Serena are friends again.

    I think this girl is here to throw us off, unless Gossip Girl is really some rando character we never met. But that would be a weird payoff.

    So, apparently Dan published a hate piece about Serena? And Chuck still remains pretty terrible. Name a guy on this show who isn't an asshole!

    Blair just talked a lot of shit about Dan and said Serena would never end up with him, but the most surprising thing of all is learning that SERENA AND BLAIR BOTH DATED DAN? HOW? IN THE WORLD?

    So from what I've gathered, Dan must have written an ongoing long-form piece about Gossip Girl, and now different publications are fighting over it. But he gave it to Nate? Sure.

    Chuck and Blair got married seconds before the police arrive to take them away. What even is this finale????



    SHUT UP.


    Wow. It was Dan. And also Michelle? So that's where she comes into play in all this.

    This is quite a stretch. Her dad's like, "Why'd you write about your sister losing her virginity?" and he's like "IDK SHE TOLD ME TO, OK?"

    Back up. Let's go back to this moment in the pilot. DID THE WRITERS KNOW IT WAS DAN FROM THE BEGINNING???? This cut seems intentional?


    Blair is the only one acting normal about it all, to be honest.

    Serena's like, "Nah, it's cool. Nothing weird about this at all."

    Listen, guys, at this point it's just too easy:

    So, the finale ends when we flash-forward five years with everyone together and happy. Dan and Serena get married? Sure. And Gossip Girl signs off like, "You never know when I'll be back! You know you love me, suckers!"

    Annnnnd that's it! Based solely off the pilot and finale, this wasn't bad! In fact, I could be convinced to watch the whole first season. I feel like the last season maybe gets a little soap opera-y based on the finale, but at least they revealed who Gossip Girl was. Which — by the way — how did loyal viewers of this show feel when it was revealed?!? Since I never finished the book series, I don't know if it was revealed there or if they changed it in the show. Tell me your thoughts in the comments!

    Which show should I watch next? Tell me your suggestions in the comments!