I've Never Seen "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" So I Watched The Pilot And Finale And Nothing In Between


    Hi all, I'm Farrah! Since you're here, you probably know I've never seen an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I have, however, seen Twilight and, more recently, Vampire Diaries. So you could say I know a thing or two about vampires! Instead of watching all seven seasons, today I will be watching the pilot, the finale, and nothing in between.

    Here are the only things I know about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Her name is Buffy. She's a vampire slayer. And, at some point, there is a character named Angel. I also know this show is VERY much beloved by its fanbase. I'm not sure why I never got into it, but I'm excited to start now!

    So, let's do it! Without further ado, here are my thoughts on the pilot and finale of Buffy without watching anything in between.

    The teaser starts in a high school. I would just like to point out that the doors to most high schools stay unlocked all night, so breaking a window to get inside seems a bit dramatic. Also, these two people are sneaking into a high school to...make out? Romance is alive, I see.

    HAHAHA I did not see this coming, but honestly the prosthetics aren't terrible!

    OK! So, our story begins with Buffy having a nightmare only to wake up to a real nightmare: the first day of school. Also...why is her name Buffy? Is it a nickname for Buffilena or something?

    Buffy draws attention at school for being ~the new girl.~ Everything about this is very cliché so far, but it was the '90s so I will let it slide.

    Bless Xander for trying to make a great first impression, though.

    LOL at Buffy forgetting her LITERAL stake. For some reason Xander is like, "This is a completely normal thing for a girl to do."

    I'm sorry, is there a shoe shortage in Sunnydale???

    Two girls were gossiping in the locker room and then a dead body fell out of the locker!!!!!! I FEEL BAD BUT I JUST LAUGHED OUT LOUD. Love these twists and turns.


    Cordelia comes along to warn them there was a dead body found at school, but we learn that only gym is cancelled? Not the entire school day for an investigation???? UM, SURE.

    The whole dead body thing sets off Buffy's vampy senses, so she runs off. Which, I just have to say, for someone wanting to blend in, she really is doing a terrible job of acting normal!!

    She goes to the library, where the new librarian reveals he is her watcher and that she, in fact, is a chosen one. I'm pretty sure Buffy predates Harry Potter, but man were there a lot of chosen ones in the '90s!!!

    I did not expect for that scene to end on Xander, who heard everything, but it made me laugh.

    Library Man is very insistent that Buffy has to save their town and she's like, "Man, I'm just trying not to get expelled, OK?"

    CUT TO: EVIL DEMON LAIR! Idk who these guys are, but they have to be The Bad Guys.

    Buffy's getting ready to go out and ~mingle~ like a normal teen. Honestly, why didn't I have this *sick* comeback prepared when my mom asked me if there would be boys at a party?

    Along the way she runs into a stalker. Is this Angel???

    Anyway, at the party she runs into Willow, who is probably the most relatable teen on this show.

    I keep calling this a party, but Cordelia referred to it as a club. It's set up more like a divey music venue. Anyway, Library Man is there and Buffy all but calls him a loser because he likes staying in and reading books. WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT, BUFFY????

    Buffy thinks she's sniffed out a vampire, but accidentally whips her weapon out on Cordelia. It's hard to believe they'll still be friends after this, but we'll see!!


    OK, so we've cut back to the demon lair where Voldemort rises from the dead. SOME REAL HARRY POTTER VIBES IN HERE.

    Meanwhile, Willow leaves the club with a guy who tells her he knows a shortcut THROUGH A GRAVEYARD. No reason to be concerned at all!!!!

    Willow's man is a vampire who traps her in this tomb thing. I forget his name, but Tall Guy Who Hit On Cordelia was also tricked into going into the creepy tomb. They pick some real winners!

    But then Buffy comes to save the day. Xander's like, "What the hell?" And she's like, "Calm down. I got this."

    Xander escapes with his friends while Buffy attempts to take down Evil Lair Vampire, who brought Voldemort back from the dead.

    Evil Lair Vampire recites a prophecy about evil rising up and taking over. I know I keep saying it, but so much of this feels like Harry Potter!


    Alright, here they are! My predictions on what I think will happen during the next seven seasons of Buffy.

    - First, Buffy and the gang all survive the first vampire attack. The four of them go on to become close friends and fight evil together.

    - The whole "harvest" thing will bring about all kinds of creepy, undead, and weird evil that Buffy will have to defeat.

    - Buffy will be sad she didn't get to have a normal high school life, but she graduates all the same.

    - Xander and Buffy become a thing for a hot second but eventually break up.

    - Buffy doesn't go to college but instead stays in Sunnydale to fight evil.

    - There's a character named Angel that comes in at some point, and I think him and Buffy hook up or something???

    - In the end, Buffy eventually rids the world of evil and vampires.

    WHEW, OK. Buffy and Angel are reunited in the opening of the finale, where they share a kiss. She seems surprised that he's here. I literally know nothing about him. Like, is he her slayer companion?

    Some Gerard Way-lookin' guy knocks Angel out and is like, "COME AT ME."

    Buffy takes him down by hackin' him in the balls with her scythe (is that the new stake?!) and then some blonde guy and what appears to be Buffy's doppelgänger spy on her and Angel.

    I've learned that blonde guy's name is Spike and Buffy is in a LOVE triangle of sorts with the two men. Also, I think Angel is a vampire???? Is Spike also a vampire???

    They talk more about love and then this line is for real spoken out loud:

    And then Angel's like, "Can we just be straight, like, what's with the cookies? Are you hungry?"

    Buffy leaves and goes to a house where she runs into...Michelle Trachtenberg??? Who's on this show too???

    Good to see Xander hasn't changed one bit!!!!!!

    Then Buffy goes to talk to Spike about her superpower necklace that Angel gave her. I just have a question. Why do both Spike and Angel look like they're at least 10 years older than her???

    Buffy goes to sleep with Spike, but wakes up when that creepy priest comes to haunt her.

    And then he changes into...her???

    OK, I'm not 100% what Buffy's plan is, but are Michelle Trachtenberg and Willow dating?? Who is the blonde who is dating Xander?? How did Xander even get a girlfriend?

    Buffy gives an inspiring speech to her army of girls and reveals her plan, which is literally going to hell.

    This character's name is Faith and she's inspired me to only refer to good sex as "rock 'em sock 'em" from now on.

    MY MISTAKE. I realize Willow isn't seeing Michelle Trachtenberg's character. YA GET IT WILLOW.

    Buffy and her girl gang go down to the mouth of hell, which is ironically located under their high school?! SCHOOL IS HELL AMIRITE.

    We are finally introduced to Buffy's plan, which is to give powers to potential slayer girls all over the world. HELL YA.

    Also, Willow is the one who releases this power. And...her hair turns white????

    Anyway, Buffy's army is still kicking ass. Honestly, this is kind of iconic because I don't think I've seen this many girls fighting and taking down evil on a screen...like...ever!!!!!

    Spike's like, "MY NECKLACE IS VERY HOT" and then — GASP — Buffy gets stabbed??????

    Spike's soul explodes, which helps fight off the demons. I'm sure this would make more sense if I watched the whole thing.

    Then we cut to Xander but OH NO!!!! HIS LADY HAS BEEN SLASHED BY A VAMPIRE. Poor guy! He can't catch a break, can he????

    We jump back to hell, where Spike and Buffy share a fiery embrace. She's like, "I love you," and he's like, "No, you don't. BYE."

    Then...he sacrifices himself to save Sunnydale???? The special effects have gotten better, I must say.

    Buffy realizes she needs to get out, but the bus outta town already left. So she leaps across some buildings before she catches up with them. You know, casual.

    Only, like 15% of the girls made it back safely on the bus ride out of Sunnydale. But no one really seems concerned about that?

    I mean...did they even evacuate Sunnydale to spare casualties before they blew a crater into the ground????

    We know that slayers are still out there, and I believe this line is important for if there were ever a reboot.

    AND THEN IT ENDS! I have some important questions. Where's Cordelia? And the tall guy who was hitting on Cordelia? Did Cordelia ever go to L.A. to get shoes? Did they kill The Evil Voldemort Vampire? And also, where the fuck did Angel go?

    While this show has some SERIOUS '90s vibes, it's not bad! I absolutely see the appeal. I love that it's about girls finding their inner strength, kicking ass, and defeating evil. Out of all the reboots that have happened, I'm surprised that this hasn't been touched yet. I still don't know why Spike and Angel seem like older men compared to Buffy, but I guess people were into it? But also — was there ever a Team Spike or Team Angel like Team Edward/Team Jacob?! LET ME KNOW.