What Your British University Says About You

An extremely unscientific conversation. Sorry, Exeter.

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“I feel that people at Manchester party quite hard.”
“I feel that people at Manchester want people to think they party quite hard.”
“I reckon people at Manchester think they’ve got a lot of expectations to live up to.”
“Brian Cox teaches there so that’s good, I suppose.”
“Yes. People from Manchester University enjoy standing on mountaintops at sunrise.”

“All male York students wear flip flops.”
“Approximately 65% of students at York are called Tom.”
“When they get drunk they always try and climb trees.”
“I think York students are quite frugal. They’d walk somewhere instead of taking a bus. In their flip flops, obv.”
“Nice place. Nice students. Let’s move on.”

“People who go to Newcastle really pride themselves on their banter.”

Oxford. Twats.”
“Yep.”
“It’s basically Hogwarts for grownups who can’t do magic.”
“But also for grownups who can’t sustain eye contact for very long.”
“Oxford people don’t really like the idea of Kindles. They really want actual books.”
“Oxford people are overconfident and assume they’re naturally the best at everything and they scare me because secretly I worry they might be right.”

Cambridge. Also twats, tbh.”
“They work ridiculous hours and get stupidly stressed out.”
“Cambridge is mostly people who thought they were going to be funny then didn’t get into Footlights.”
“Fans of Kindles.”
“They’re the kind of people I blame for everything.”
“No, you’re thinking of Oxford.”
“Cambridge and Oxford are both as bad as each other.”
“Oxford actually run the country though. Cambridge just spies on the people who run the country.”

“People at Queen Mary have excellent hair.”
“That’s my experience as well.”

“People at Imperial care a lot about things like student radio and student newspapers.”
“I feel like I’d have had a better beard if I went to Imperial.”
“No one has sex at Imperial.”
“I heard there’s a sofa at Imperial that everyone has sex on?”
“Also the shower in the basement of the Physics building. ”
“Ewww. Okay, maybe they do have sex, just in grim places.”

UCL. Not as good as Imperial. They know this.”

“Most people at Leeds have been on Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents.”
“Everyone at Leeds gets a new nickname every term and really hates it by the end of term. So then they start again.”
“Leeds people all like a lot of Facebook Groups.”
“Leeds is the kind of place where people would wear their Netball Society hoodie to lectures.”
“Leeds students still write fanzines.”
“The Otley Run happens in Leeds, so if you like to see men in nappies throwing up on a Saturday afternoon, this is the place for you.”

“Everyone in Liverpool is studying medicine. That is literally all they teach.”
“In my experience they’re all frighteningly clever. Dicks.”
“Liverpool students are the sort of people you could invite home to meet your parents without having to prepare them beforehand.”
“If you visited their house they would definitely make you a cup of tea.”
“Without asking.”
“Just natural, like.”

Durham students wish they were at Oxford or Cambridge.”
“Don’t they live in a castle?”
“Durham students are all really into rugby or lacrosse.”
“Durham students start a lot of sentences with the word ‘Actually’”
“Durham is what Americans think going to uni in Britain is like. Including the weather.”
“Durham students are very friendly. They would offer you a chip in the middle of the night if you looked hungry.”

“I once went to the University of East Anglia by accident and I think that’s how a lot of people get there.”

“If Durham is where people go if they wanted to go to Oxbridge but couldn’t, then Bristol is where people go when they get offered a place at Oxbridge but are too normal for that all that.”
“Instead of going to nightclubs called things like Lola Lo, Bristol students go to magic shows and roller discos.”
“Lots of them start Tumblrs that never really pan out.”
“Into societies. Really like belonging to societies.”
“I think people at Bristol are very organised. They’d have a blow up mattress in their room for when guests came to stay.”

“Only posh people go to Exeter.”
“So posh.”
“Exeter is the most posh.”
“The only person I’ve ever met with a triple-barrelled surname was an Exeter student.
“They needlessly take cars to university.”
“They seem like the kind of people who would ask to speak to the manager in a shop.”
“They all wear Jack Wills. For a long time I just thought a lot of people at Exeter had the initials ‘JW’.”
“They all study two subjects that are not connected (e.g. French and maths) just because they can.”
“They all sleep with their friends.”
“People from Exeter will break your heart. Literally, screw you RIGHT UP for a couple of years. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. Sorry, I need a lie down. Back in 5.”
“…Lot of bitterness towards Exeter here.”

Central Saint Martins College Of Art And Design… Lots of Greek ladies.”
“With a thirst for knowledge. And their dads are pretty well off.”
“They are intimidatingly cool.”
“They all have long, blonde hair and wear torn clothes and smudged make up.”
“If you’re at Saint Martins and you’re not in a band you’re a dick.”
“They walk around with those big portfolio things. There’s nothing in them.”

“Students from Queens, Belfast. Thoughtful, independent-minded, take ages to order from a restaurant menu.”
“Also… nope, I’m drawing a blank”
“Yep, I think that’s all we’ve got.”
“One girl from my school went there and she kind of looked like a goat. Don’t include that, everyone will know who I mean, it was uncanny.”

Southampton. They make spreadsheets of where and when every happy hour in town is.”

“I’d feel comfortable with a Birmingham student as an in-law.”
“People who go to Birmingham are the kinds of people who tear out 2-4-1 vouchers from papers they find on public transport and then use them at Strada.”
“They would get bored in a nightclub with fewer than 7 floors.”
“Birmingham students would be in Hufflepuff.”
“When they dance, their movement is based mostly in their shoulders instead of their knees.”
“OMG THEY CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF JLS.”

St. Andrews. Gilets. So many gilets.”
“Are able to talk knowledgeably about wine.”
“Or at least pretend.”
“All the girls there would like to marry a prince. Ideally William but they would settle for Harry.”
“I know someone there and she literally only goes there because she wants to marry a European royal. I believe she has a list on her wall.”
“They all know at least one professional rugby player.”
“They have different types of glasses for different drinks.”
“They take very expensive gas-fired barbecues to the beach in summer.”
“Their mums are called Tilly.”
“Bloody love an AGA.”
“They have loads of sex because a) it is very cold there and b) there is nothing else to do.”
“It’s dark for 10 months of the year so they all have excellent eyesight. Like badgers.”

Goldsmiths - see Central Saint Martins, but with more torn jeans.”

Bath is basically just the southern version of York. They are also all called Tom. And the ones that aren’t are called Ollie.”
“I think Bath students are very kind.”
“If I had gone to Bath I’d be a better person.”
“Bath students go home at the weekend to see their mum a lot.”
“Bath students reply to texts straight away.”
“Bath students volunteer. Mostly at animal shelters.”

“At Loughborough, all they care about is SPORT. But it does mean that they have very toned torsos.”
“No-one on the campus drinks beer, but they could down a pint in seconds if they wanted to. ”
“Their fridges are filled with Lucozade Sport”
“They are hench.”
“They use the word hench.”

“People from Warwick are very clever but don’t like to talk about it.”
“All very good at maths.”
“They take student theatre incredibly seriously, especially the poster design.”
“Yes, and the lighting rigs. Outstandingly lit plays at Warwick.”
“And they arrange flash mobs instead of paying for advertising.”
“But then only five people turn up.”

Glasgow. Very arty. But in a non-pretentious way.”
“Didn’t that just get burned down? My stereotype of them is that they have the haunted look of people whose life’s work just got destroyed by fire.”
“That was the Glasgow School of Art.”
“I want to hug them and tell them it will all be okay.”

“I think they really like taking photos of wildlife at Falmouth.”
“They’re all damp most of the time but just kind of deal with it.”
“They were really into toy planes as kids.”
“No one’s hair is a natural colour.”

King’s College London. So fit.”
“They have an excellent student union bar, but they know it.”
“Every single one of them has DJd at a student night.”
“They’re like Imperial’s louder siblings.”
“And they have more sex than Imperial.”

Cardiff students eat a lot of chips after nights out.”
“Most students in Cardiff have a story about falling down the steps outside the union. There are a LOT of steps.”
“English students who go to Cardiff always leave Cardiff pretending they’re Welsh which is annoying. ‘OH LOOK, BOYO, THE RUGBY’S ON!!!’ ‘You’re from Buckingham, Tom, be quiet’.”
“They say ‘lush’ a lot.”
“They also shop in Lush a lot.”

LSE. All very pleased with themselves.”
“VERY NERDY. Super serious.”
“They get engaged very young.”
“So they can focus on their careers.”
“Josiah Bartlet went there.”
“Who?”

“The girls who go to Edinburgh are called things like Fliss.”
“They know how to correctly use an absinthe spoon.”
“They live in attics.”
“They have sturdy sensible shoes.”
“They understand the works of Karl Popper.”
“They tell jokes about that metal rod that he once waved around or something.”
“A poker. Also it was Wittgenstein who was waving the poker at Popper.”
“OMG did you go to Edinburgh?”

“I have never met a Nottingham student I didn’t like.”
“They eat beans on toast a lot.”
“Very strict cleaning rotas in their shared houses though.”
“Nottingham students are excellent at assembling flat-pack furniture.”
“They probably go on trips to Ikea together.”
“…Is there a different Nottingham I didn’t know about?”

Sheffield. Really lovely people who wear a lot of cardigans.”
“They still listen to music on vinyl.”
“They save bottles from beer that’s a bit exotic.”
“Students in Sheffield consume booze in imaginative ways, like through their feet or eyeballs.”
“OK, we’ve crossed over into things that are not biologically possible now.”

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