What Guys’ First Names Say About Them

An extremely unscientific conversation. Sorry, Trevors.

Alexs are nice. Too nice.”
“I can attest to too nice.”

“Oh god, Anthonys are creeps.”
“Fuck an Anthony, they can get out. Meaning do not fuck them, I mean they can always go away forever.”
“I think Anthony, I think sexually harassing boss.”
“Anthonys are college students who date girls in high school.”

“I feel like Bens are down to earth.”

“OK, can we talk about B.J. and P.J.? Because I think P.J.s are super, super hot but B.J.s are gross.”
R.J. and T.J. are both horrible people.”
“I like R.J. but I generally think ‘not ever going to ever have a 401(k) if you’re referring to yourself by initials.”
“I don’t like P.J. because then you are going to end up calling him Peej.”
“Peej.”
“Or BEEJ.”
“Ewwwwwwwww.”
“What about A.J., though?”
“A.J.s are sweet.”
“A.J.s won’t take you to a nice dinner.”

Brendan vs. …”
“Weirdos.”
“Brendan = hot, Brandon = ew.”
“Brendans are skinny cuties with big Ds. Brandons are boring as hell.”

Brian > Bryan.”
“Bryans are just Canadian.”
“Bryans have bad hair.”

Calebs are cute but too earnest.”

Carls are cute dorks and Karls are sexy boneheads.”

“The only nickname as a real name I like is Charlie because Charlies are the best!”
“I love Charlies.”
“Charlie is so fun to be around.”
“Charlie is good.”
“I find Charlies attractive but heartbreaking.”
“Charlies are great.”

Chets are dirty and disrespectful.”
“OMG, there is literally nothing worse than a Chet, except for a Blaise.”

Chris is a gamer.”
“Chris = awful, but ChrisTOPHER is A+.”
“Chrises think they know everything.”
“Chrises are horndogs.”
“They think pretty highly of themselves.”
“But yes, Christophers are dreamy.”
“But naive.”
“But can be pretentious.”
“You can take Christopher for a RIDE.”
“WHAT ABOUT CHRIS MESSINA, THOUGH?”
“Here’s the thing: There are exceptions. But, like, I feel like he IS probably a horndog? He’s just an exceptionally attractive one, so who’s complaining.”

“Is there anyone worse than a Conner?”
“Fucking Conner/Conors.”
“Yeah, fuck a Connor. NOT literally.”
“Self-righteous.”

Craigs are trouble.”
“Craigs are the worst.”

“You know what could go either way? Dans.”
“Yes, Dans can be whiny but also really loyal and awesome.”
“Wow, I agree. Dans are whiny and loyal and attentive.”

David = annoying and clingy and insecure.”
“I found Davids to be hot and kind of douchey.”
“Davids have the best butts now.”

“I feel bad for Dougs.”
“I don’t think Dougs actually exist.”
“Dougs are sad sacks.”
“Doug = middle manager.”
“One Doug I knew had a crush on me in high school and was super awk but then grew up to be a hot.”
“OK, maybe Dougs blossom?”

“Because of Evan Dando I always thought Evan was a hot dude name.”

“You know who is so hot that it’s infuriating? Gabe.”
“I know a skeevy Gabe.”
“Eh, Gabes are soft.”

“You know what the best is? Gregory.”
“OMG, I just like…sighed. Audibly.”
“That’s like a kitten name. Meet my orange tabby, Gregory.”
“Greg is not as hot.”
“I’ve never met a Gregory, only a Greg, which is too guttural.”
“Everyone wants a Gregory.”

Harry is the guy I want to date but there’s just no chemistry.”
“Harry = human equivalent of sheepdog.”

“I like Isaac.”
“They are attractive but too sexy in a creepy way.”
“Like overly sexUAL.”
“Maybe it’s having ‘sack’ in their names.”
“I sack.”
“Isaacs are the guys who get drunk at parties and take their pants off.”

Jake… Always hot.”

Jareds want attention, but are still kind of dorky.”
“Such dorks, can’t admit it.”

Jasons are always hot but also douchey.”
“Especially if going by Jay.”
“Especially hot AND especially douchey.”
“I have a lot of opinions about Jasons.”
“What about JAYSONS?”
“Ew, no.”
“The hottest Jasons I know spell it Jayson.”
“No.”
“Nope.”

Jeffs are the ones that got away.”

Jeremys are cute but sneaky/snakey.”

“LOL Joes.”
“Joes are good for sex but not much else.”
“Joes are reliable for like, 2 a.m. because they know to leave right after.”

“Can we talk about Johns vs. Jons?”
“Johns are so fucking hot.”
“So true.”
“I literally love Johns and I know a Jon who SUCKS SO MUCH.”
“I had a horrible experience with a Jon and I feel like it was because he didn’t have an ‘h.’”

Johnny is a hard no.”
“I like Johnny.”
“Johnny seems like a fake name.”
“Any adult who still has a ‘-y’ is a dud.”
“The Johnnys I know are sweet but are also very needy.”

Jonahs are really foxy and good at the game. Like, they can actually flirt successfully.”

Joshs are always hot.”
“Joshs are hot but they always know it.”
“Exactly.”

“Oh, fuck Justin.”
“NO THANK YOU Justins.”
“Too slick.”
“They are attractive but trying too hard.”
“Cocky.”
“Like the kind of guy who you think you should be attracted to but you’re just not.”
“The kind of guy who spends, like, 10 minutes on your bottom lip.”
“Fucking Justins.”
“Justins think they can ride the JT wave, but they are no JT.”
“Never a JT, always a Guarini.”

Kevins are sweet darlings.”
“Kevins are huge dorks but somehow score ladies anyway. I’ve never been attracted to someone named Kevin but my friends always are.”

“Because of Babysitters Club, I always thought Logan was a hot name.”
“I know a hot Logan.”

“I like Lucases.”
“Lucases are gentle. Like VenMo Lucas.”
“I like Lucases too.”

Luke is beefy.”

Marios are cheesy.”
“Like greasy weird.”
“Mario is like…too slick.”

Matthew (good), Matt (RED FLAGS)”
“Matts are just cockyyyyy.”
“I’ve known some cute Matthews.”
“Yeah, definitely Matthew > Matt.”

Michaels are just classic good guys.”
“But Mikes? Ehhh.”
“Michaels are so basic.”

“I like Nicks.”
“Nicks are generally sweet.”
“Nicks probably think highly of themselves and only sometimes deserve to.”
“Yes, Nicks are full of themselves.”
“You think about them for a long time and nothing good will ever come from it.”
Nickys are even worse.”

PATRICK.”
“NO.”
“I have a lot of opinions about Patricks. So much ego. But a heart of gold maybe?”
“Patrick is an accountant from the age of 10.”
“And like, loud.”
“Oh god, Patrick is all around terrible. And there’s nothing a Patrick can do to be better. Pat, Patty, all bad.”
“Patrick follows the rules, and is kind of a douche.”
“And sanctimonious.”
“Patricks have a 4.0 GPA though.”

“I feel like Peters are pretty awkward, usually.”
“Yes.”
“Hard agree.”
“Almost willfully awkward. Sycophants too.”
“Ugh, I have a bad Peter history.”
“‘Bad Peter History’ is the name of my memoir.”

Pauls are sweet.”

Ray is another like good guy name to me. Down to earth Ray.”
“Ray always has a scheme going.”
“I don’t know, I feel like Ray seems like a good guy but then he’s posting on Reddit about how you ‘friendzoned’ him.”

“How about the Rob/Robert/Bobby thing?”
“Rob = hot.”
“Cocky.”
“Robs are like, hot but gross.”
“Robert — also hot but dorkier and weirder.”
“Bobby… no.”

Ryans are mischievous.”

Shanes are intense.”

Shawns are not really hot but somehow really attractive anyway?”
“No Shawn but YES Sean.”
“I love Shawns, sorry.”
“Shawns = yawns.”

Tims are loners.”
“omg YES re: Tim.”

Tonys are filthy and disgusting and actually dirty but SO HOT.”
“OMG, Tonys.”
“Tonys are like Manic Pixie Dream Boys.”
“I can’t separate Tony from like every middle aged man my parents were friends with.”
“I feel like I’ve had crushes on, like, eight Tonys with pierced ears who look like they wore eyeliner.”

“Fuck Trevors and Travises, TBH.”
“Tr-dude names are literally so much trouble.”

“Is there any good tr-guy?”
Trent = bad.”

Trevors are the worst, though. Like, the W O R S T.”
“Trevors are the worst.”
“OMG TREVORS ARE THE FUCKING WORST”
“OMFG”
“TERRORRRRRRS”
“Someone I know got totally ruined by a Trevor.”
“Trevor is not an OK name.”
“I’ve never met a Trevor and I do not want to.”

Tylers are so hot and stupid.”
“Dorky hot shots.”
“Yeah, Tylers are hot but they think they are hotter than they are.”
“Tylers are like cocky.”
“Tylers are like ‘so chill.’”

Vinnys, they’re always like, hot magicians.”

“Ew, Zach.”
“Zach is a spoiled WASP with pants with whales on them.”
“Zachs are the worst.”
“Zachs are like nerds who think they are cute.”
“Yeah, Zachs are intellectual snobs.”
“All Zachs end up in jail.”
“Zachs are oblivious to the fact that everyone hates them.”
“YES.”

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