What Girls’ First Names Say About Them

The sequel to an extremely unscientific conversation. Sorry, Taras.

Alejandra/Alexandra is a loyal friend, she has your back.”
“See, but those are very different — Alejandra is super hot, Alexandra less so.”
“Yeah, I would NOT want my man alone in a room with Alejandra.”
“It’s that ‘j’ in Alejandra… You can’t even say the name without breathing heavily.”
“I’ve never known a short Alejandra/Alexandra.”

“Also would just like to throw out that Alexis is very intense.”
“I can second that. I personally don’t want to make Alexis angry.”

“I feel like Annas are shy until you get them in the right crowd and then you’re like, ‘Anna! With the jokes…’”
“Yeah, Annas are razor-sharp and witty/smart, but you need to draw it out of them.”
“You know Anna’s gonna graduate at LEAST magna cum laude.”
“I would name my daughter Anna.”
“I would let your daughter Anna date my son.”

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Beth only wears floral print.”
“The ‘th’ at the end is very biblical.”
“Beth is the nice friend in the group that you never want to hook up with.”

“Are there any twentysomething Barbaras?”
Brendas are unfailingly good-looking.”
“I don’t know why, but I feel like Brendas reached maturity quicker than most.”
“Never met a Brenda OR a Barbara my own age.”

Caitlin/Caitlyn plays a lot of sports and is kind of boring. Kaitlyn is a lil’ bit of a wild child, though.”
“Kaitlyn got a tattoo on spring break.”
“Kaitlyn wears a LOT of crop tops and goes to music fests on the reg.”
“OMG, that’s so Kaitlyn.”

Cathy is boring, Kathy is kind of off the rails.”
“Kathy is like a fine wine — better as she gets older, she really blossoms with age.”
“But Cathy likes ‘meeting for coffee.’ Like, all her OkCupid dates are coffee dates.”

Chelsea is SUPER friendly.”
“I agree on Chelsea. Chelseas always get along with boys.”
“Chelseas are chill and love animals.”

“Never met a Christina or a Christine who wasn’t a super-babe, that’s for sure.”
Cristina/Christina is like ~ in da club ~ hot.”
“Cristina = hot, Christina = playful, Christine = always in the friend zone.”

Danielle/Daniella loves Miller Lite.”
“She’s always down for beer pong, has the beer coursing through her veins to hit the last cup and will chest-bump you.”
“Danielles are really nice but, like, super basic — like their idea of a date is watching DVDs of Friends or dressing up to go the Cheesecake Factory.”

Debbies are my mom’s friends.”
“Debbies took care of me and my buddy when I went over to their house to play video games when I was 12.”

Desiree is smoking hot.”
“Desiree is super chill.”
“She has your back if someone gets in your face.”
“Toooootally, she will lay it DOWN.”

Diana has some weird phases-of-the-moon shit going on.”
“They’re attractive, but difficult to deal with.”
“I feel like Diana is a cross between a human and a werewolf or a vampire in one of those steamy YA novels.”

“The Emmy/Emma/Emily trifecta. Three similar names, three VERY different people.”
“Emmy is the coolest girl in the room and she loves herself some grammar.”
“#obvi.”
“Emma is sweet and kind and will go out of her way to make sure you’re feeling good about life.”
“Emily/Emma are both incredibly sweet.”

Erika would set your stuff on fire if you broke up with her.”
“Erika can be intimidating to approach.”
Ericas are great at managing an office.”
“I had a huge crush on a teacher named Erika. On my last day in high school, she told me I could call her Erika and gave me a kiss on the cheek. It was awesome.”

“I would date a Gaby/Gabriela — they seem fun, but not like they take themselves too seriously.”
“Gaby = manic pixie dream girl.”
“Gabriela will take you abroad and teach you which wine to pair with your dinner.”
“I want to go on fun adventures around town with Gabriela and Gaby.”
“What are you guys up to? Gaby and I are going snorkeling in the coral reef!”

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Hannah is SO together. Kind of a little too together.”
“Hannahs have a quiet mean streak they express on Tumblr.”

Helen/Helene?
“Helens are classic, put together, they got their shit together.”
“Helens launch a thousand ships.”
“Helene? I’ve literally never heard of Helene, is that a mythical goddess?”

Jazmíns are super-duper chill, but somehow also intense, if that makes sense.”
“Yes, Jasmines also! Like, they’ll get super philosophical after passing a joint around.”
“Pretty eyes for Jazmín/Jasmine.”

Jennifers have really good hair. Like, you look at their hair and you’re like, ‘Whoa.’”
“Jennifers DO have good have hair.”
Jennys will break you heart in very important ways.”
Jens are amazing at drawing.”

“Never met a Jessica I didn’t like, which is crazy, because I’ve met like, 17239218.”
“Yeah, I pretty much like all Jessicas I meet.”
Jess loves to party.”
“Jessicas are more like, ‘We could just chill and watch Netflix or something OR we can get a drink, whatever,’ and Jess is like, ‘Let’s get all the drinks.’”
“Jess wears skate shoes, rolls fat blunts, and is casually sexual with older guys.”

“I bet Katherines can name, like, all of the capitals and shit around the world.”
“Katherines are great editors.”
“Katherines are laser-focused but Kate is ready to PARTY TIL DAWN.”
“Kate can also go out til 4 a.m. and be diligently at work at her desk in the morning like, ‘NBD.’”
Katie is the girl next door.”
“Katie is your best friend’s little sister.”
“You hooked up with Katie in high school after some sheepish glances were exchanged and it was nice.”

Karen will come to your 4th of July party with something that took all day to make and you’re like, ‘Karen, you were supposed to bring chips,’ and she’ll be like, ‘Oh, I just whipped this up.’”
“Karen doesn’t really open up about funny things like farts and stuff — she just wants to talk about work.”
“Karen is the only person to put office suggestions in the office suggestions box.”
“Karen brown-bags her lunch every day except Friday, when she ‘lets loose’ at Chipotle.”

“You can talk to Kendra about ANYTHING.”
“Kendra is the kind of girl who disappears a lot when you’re out with her.
“Not naming my daughter Kendra, I’ll leave it at that.”

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Kimberlys have always been kind of hot, I think.”
“Kimberlys always have boyfriends.”
“Older boyfriends with money. Bankers, lawyers, doctors.”

Kelly knows she’s hot.”
“Kellys and Kates hang out with Emmys.”
“Kellys have it easy in life. Everyone is best friends with Kelly.”
“They have Kelly privilege.”
“Kellys have a tough time with spending money in group situations, like they don’t like splitting group checks equally and are terrible when it comes to sorting out rent and utilities.”

Lauras know a lot about art history.”
Laurens are what Lauras try to be.”

Lisas are excellent bosses.”
“A good boss.”
“But just generally chill. Like, chill people see Lisa and go, ‘She’s chill.’”
“Lisas give no fucks but in a good way.”

Marias do well professionally, but they’re always trying to get past the fact that Maria seems like not a fun name, so they’re out to show you.”

Marianas are very cute but don’t really realize it.”
“I want to hang out and have a picnic and eat ice cream with Mariana and talk about boys.”

Megans are very good at picking restaurants.”
“Megans have Pinterest weddings.”
“Megans win spelling bees.”
“Megans are your friend who you’re not actively trying to sleep with.”

Michelles are really good dates for weddings.”
“Michelles are either a hot mess or incredibly put together with no in between.”
“Yeah, like stately and elegant or coked out of her mind pissing in the street at 5 a.m.”

Melanie/Melany gets into FUN trouble.”
“Melanie is at every single bachelorette party for a reason.”
“Melanie’s confidence is off the Richter. She’s the one who gets you up to dance at a wedding.”
“Melanies are so crushable, omg, manic pixie dreamgirls.”

Natalie can rock a long dress like nobody’s business.”
Nicoles are crazy and hot.”
“Nicoles are as hot as Natalies are intimidating.”
“Dated a Nicole, wish I dated a Natalie.”

Olivia is sort of strange, but you just have to let her be Olivia.”
“What’s Olivia doing?” “Collecting pine cones.” “Alrighty then.”
“My friend Olivia played spy games with herself and had an imaginary friend for a little too long.”
“Classic Olivia.”

Natasha = firecracker alert!”
“Natasha is the female version of tall, dark, and handsome.”
“Natasha is mysterious and she knows it.”

Paula says she likes to party and then passes out early. Paula cannot hang.”
“I worked with a Paula, like, 10 years ago. She was nice enough.”
Nice Enough: The Paula Story.”

Patty has her hair in a bun and pants with designs like linoleum.”
“Patty smokes a lot and is a regular at bars you’d never walk into.”
“Patty is good to vent to, though, while she smokes a cigarette in the kitchen on a Saturday afternoon.”

Raquels are pretty confident.”
“I do not trust Raquel.”
“Yeah, Raquel gets too wasted to find her wallet then leaves you with the bar tab, F that.”
Rachel, though, Rachel can hang.”
“Rachel will take shots at the bar with you.”

Regas are the funnest, sweetest girl you’ll ever meet.”
“Literally an angel sent from heaven.”
“Regas go mega-viral.”

Rose sits by her bedroom window and tells you a story of the neighborhood two decades ago.”
“Rose loves Jazzercise.”
Rosie and Rosa tell it like it is, no-nonsense.”
“Rosie’s got a loud mouth, but I respect it because she speaks the truth.”

Rebecca is out getting her Ph.D., Becky is out getting her Ph.D. in PARTYING.”

Stephanies are hot.”
“Stephanies are, like, effortlessly hot, but have really intense tempers too.”
“Also nice hair.”
“Yes, totally have nice hair.”

Susans are doctors and Susies make their own jewelry and sell it on Etsy.”
“Susies wear big plastic bangles and drink margaritas with lunch.”
“Yeah, Susie is like, ‘Let’s go to a place where we can, like, DANCE,’ and I’m like, ‘YES! Thank god I have you as a friend, Susie.’”

Tiffany and Taylor are BFFs.”
“I want Tiffany nowhere near my boyfriend OR friends.”
“Tiffany has a dirty car and has no plans to clean it.”
“Tiffany had, like, six cars by the time she was 20.”
“Had mad points on her license but it was never her fault.”
“Tiffany had a huge sweet 16 party.”
“Thats when she and Taylor had a falling out but then were biffles again after.”

Tara gets what she wants, no matter what the cost.”
“Tara hits the gym and wears Beats by Dre.”
“Tara’s boyfriend/girlfriend is absolutely miserable.”
“She’ll act like your best friend until you cross her, then she will make your life a living hell.”
“Tara has used one of her heels as a weapon.”
“While holding a drink.”
“She doesn’t regret it.”
“I love that we all know the same Tara.”

Tracy acts like she doesn’t have her shit together but she does, like controlled chaos.”
“Tracy is kind and sweet and generally reserved but is super passionate about things that are important to her.”

Vanessas are pretty consistently good-looking.”
“Never dated a Vanessa, but def tried.”

“I know three Veronicas and they all love lipstick.”
“Oh no, Veronicas love lipstick.”

Wendys wear 1920s-style detective raincoats and really enjoy sending people Someecards.”
“Wendy always wanted to move to Seattle and work in a bookstore/coffee shop.”

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