1. Get your party snacks ready.
Ain’t no party like a horse meat party.
2. Make sure your hair is ready to party.
Bangs are THE party hairstyle. It’s like a party right on your face. Nothing rivaled the media coverage of Michelle Obama’s arms until she kicked off 2013 with bangs. (She has since grown them out because they were too X-treme.)
3. Invite all your Illuminati friends to party using the secret signal.
If you want a bunch of dudes in robes carrying skulls and/or BEYONCÉ to come over, just throw up some Illuminati symbols at a high-profile venue. Then remember to stock up on foods that dudes in robes and/or BEYONCÉ might like to eat (horse meat).
4. Perfect your party dance moves with 15 seconds of pelvic thrusts followed by 15 seconds of absolutely anything.
If you want your guests to feel at ease, just put the “Harlem Shake” on a loop.
5. If you choose to party with a monkey, you HAVE to be responsible for it.
Justin Bieber, former monkey owner, learned the hard way that if you party too hard with a monkey, you end up not only losing your monkey, but owing the German government $11,000. We’ve all been there.
6. Partying on a boat only sounds good in theory.
Carnival’s Triumph cruise ship is another reminder to always party responsibly. One day you’re a fun party boat and next thing you know — poop everywhere.
7. If you’re looking for party jams and an evil sea witch stole your singing voice for seven years, you should steal it back and release an album.
Justin Timberlake’s music recording hiatus was probably the fault of Ursula the sea witch. Regardless, if you want party music, you have to take charge and make it happen or you’ll never truly rock it out or get wit’ Prince Eric.
8. Make sure you find a good party outfit.
When the clock hits party time, just wear whatever you want. Haters gonna Google Image Search photos of couches.
9. Don’t waste valuable party time waiting for a donut-croissant hybrid.
Don’t bother with cronuts. There’s plenty of horse meat for everyone.
10. 3D print your way to party fun (guns).
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the party planning process, just 3D print it on out. And if you want your guests to leave, just shoot your 3D-printed gun in the air until they get the message.
11. The NSA already knows about your party.
Keith Alexander, director of the National Security Agency, thinks you should rethink your dip choice.
12. When it comes to party jams, there CAN actually be more than one “song of the summer.”
2013 reaffirmed what partyers long suspected: No matter what Carly Rae Jepsen tells you, there can be more than one definitive party jam.
13. Make sure to invite high-profile babies.
You can’t have a real party without babies. And if you’re having a cool party (which should be everyone’s goal) you gotta have famous babies like the royal baby, panda twin babies, and that other famous baby with the weird name.
14. Have a cool party alias.
As long as you’re not running for office.
15. Don’t forget to stock up on Portuguese water dogs.
The Obamas know you can never have too many Portuguese water dogs. They’re perfect for all occasions.
16. Use butt-related dance moves sparingly.
2013 proved, now more than ever, that butt stuff gets into the headlines. So go ahead and do your butt dancing, but just know you’re playing with fire.