Erin: HELLO FRIENDS. Let’s talk about cartoons of the ’90s and ’00s.
Kayla: What show is this?
Jack: The Space Police.
Tanner: The Boy With The Big Family.
Jack: The hero is the goat.
Tanner: Wait, I looked at it more closely and noticed that two of the people are fairies, and I sort of remember a show about fairy god parents. Something like that.
Kayla: You’re onto something.
Jack: Wait…Two of them are royalty.
Tanner: The goat and the alien are royalty.
[Editor’s note: Tanner’s not wrong about the alien, oddly enough.]
Kayla: Royalty of what kingdom though?
Jack: Is it about the British royal family in the regency period?
Tanner: Wait, is it the afterlife? Like LOST? That’s dark.
Jack: Yes, they are all in purgatory. Hence the goats.
Jack: It is based on Dante’s Divine Comedy. Very popular with kids in the ’90s.
Erin: What’s the name of this show?
Tanner: We’re Still Figuring Out Computer Graphics: The Show.
Jack: Attack of the Killer Jeans.
Erin: What’s it about?
Tanner: I feel like I’ve seen the guy in front in memes.
Kayla: Yeah, he’s been around the interweb.
Tanner: Teens on Tumblr like to make memes of him. I’ve probably seen some fan art of him kissing Shrek.
Tanner: I think he’s a boy genius.
[Editor’s note: !!!]
Kayla: There we go.
Tanner: And he accidentally brought those jeans to life. And he’s deeply in love with Shrek.
Jack: It’s about a bunch of kids who are bigger than houses who are rightfully run out of town by the neighborhood watch.
Tanner: Why are they so big?
Jack: So they can fit into those giant pants.
Tanner: Man, we sucked at computer graphics. Wait, is this The Incredibles? I think this might be The Incredibles.
Jack: Oh, yeah. Yes.
Jack: What the fuck is that?
Tanner: The cat eats, and the poop comes out the dog’s mouth and vice-versa. I don’t think they ever show it, but it’s implied.
Jack: Is it like The Human Centipede?
Tanner: And the cat’s a jerk? The dog is dumb, right?
Erin: Wow, Tanner’s right. It is Catdog. How old are you? Twenty-two?
Kayla: OK follow-up question: Who is this guy?
Tanner: That looks like Jack if Jack was a cartoon. Is it a dude? Or an animal?
Jack: Is he friends with the genetic abomination? Are they from the same show?
Erin: You tell us!
Tanner: He looks like Skeeter from Doug, kinda.
Jack: Yes, they are from the same show. It’s called Disasters of Science. It’s a cautionary tale.
Erin: Ok, let’s do some fill-in-the-blanks: “Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann, much too cool for _______.”
Jack: A frying pan.
Tanner: Drugs! Stay in school, kids.
Tanner: Nineties cartoons were all about drug prevention.
Jack: Salt is slang for drugs in this show. So, yes.
Erin: Here’s another: “Timmy is an average kid that _________.
Mom, and Dad, and Vicky always giving him ________.”
Jack: Died, eulogies.
Tanner: My mind jumps right to “sex” and “handjobs,” but I know that’s not right.
Erin: “Someone once told me the __________ on the other side.”
Tanner: World is gonna own me. I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. The song from Shrek.
Jack: Spirits of the damned wait for us.
Kayla: Bonus points if you know where it’s from, and which famous singer sang it.
Jack: Billy Joel. Wheatus. Tiffany. Debbie Gibson.
Tanner: Smashmouth. It’s from Shrek. I already said that.
Kayla: “A babys gotta do ______.”
Jack: His solemn duty to god and country.
Erin: “Call me, beep me if you want _________.”
Jack: To go on a casual date.
Jack: To sleep with me?
Tanner: THE NSA TO READ YOUR MESSAGES, AM I RIGHT?! Topical.
Erin: New game: Is the girl on the right the protagonist or a bully?
Jack: Oh, god. Is he going to hurt her?
Tanner: Bully. Mean older sister. The boy is her obnoxious yet lovable younger brother. The show is about him and his adventures.
Jack: That’s Pepper Ann and the dude is her Salt dealer. She’s like trying to resist him but she is an addict.
Tanner: It’s a dystopian future where everyone is hooked on Salt and he’s a Spice Runner.
Jack: Yeah, that’s why her lips turned blue. It’s the first thing before they fall off. :(
Tanner: Whoever controls the Salt controls the Universe.
Erin: Who controls the salt, Tanner?
Erin: Protagonist or bully?
Tanner: Classic bully.
Jack: Def a bully. He is trying to strangle a dog?
Tanner: He’s gonna eat it after he finishes that marshmallow.
Jack: Yeah, it’s that show about the dude who eats dogs.
Erin: Last one: protagonist or bully?
Jack: Whoa. She looks like one of the Sweet Valley High twins. Her name is Jessica Wakefield.
Kayla: What’s a Sweet Valley twin?
Tanner: She’s called Brace Face and she’s a bully.
Erin: Wait, wow. That is Brace Face.
Tanner: THAT WAS A TOTAL GUESS!
Tanner: ‘CAUSE I AM A BULLY AND THAT’S WHAT I WOULD CALL HER.
Jack: Her hands are bigger than her head.
Kayla: You know what that means…dot dot dot…
Erin: Big gloves?
Tanner: Big dick.
Jack: Also, can we talk about the fact that she is painting green nail polish onto her hands but her nails are pink?
Erin: Ok. What’s this character’s special power?
Tanner: WHAT’S WITH THE FUCKING LIPS? Get it together, late ’90s cartoons!
Jack: Her superpower is not having any friends.
Tanner: She’s hyper-intelligent like Dr. Manhattan in The Watchmen. She can blow people up with her mind.
Jack: Those bangs work like a helicopter and she can hover three feet in the air but no one cares because no one likes her.
Tanner: That’s not what bangs are.
Jack: I mean hair ropes. Whatever you call them. Side ponytails.
Tanner: Hair ropes sounds right.
Erin: What’s his power?
Jack: He is a vegan.
Tanner: That’s like the lack of power.
Jack: He looks like a Picasso painting. His power is that he has a lot of perspective.
Tanner: He creates shockwaves of light that disable electronic systems. His name is Shockwave, and he’s a teen superhero.
Jack: Is he evil?
Tanner: Yes. Right?
Kayla: You tell us!
Jack: He looks like he thinks he’s hot shit.
Tanner: He’s evil. He shut down the stock exchange using his powers and destroyed the world economies. He plunged the work into a new Dark Age. Millions died.
Jack: He has a D on his chest because his name is Captain Douchebag.
Erin: What’s this guy’s power?
Tanner: He can levitate small balls three inches above his head.
Jack: He’s from the same show as the last guy. I can tell because they both have the same squiggles instead of earholes.
Tanner: Wait, it’s the same kid from the purgatory show. His power is walking between heavenly plains, like Dante with Virgil the goat as his guide.
Jack: That seems right actually.
Tanner: He’s visited all the levels of hell and escaped through a crack in the lake of ice in which Satan rests to purgatory. He was chasing his love. NO man has witnessed more torment than this boy.
Erin: Can you tell us the backstory for these characters?
Tanner: Sugar, spice, and a secret chemical X all combined to create the Powerpuff Girls. Obviously. Next.
Jack: They used to be beach balls who mutated into humans after a chemical spill.
Tanner: Those are beaver morning radio show hosts.
Jack: Yeah, they are shock jocks. Log Jocks!
Tanner: Billy and THE SPAZ on KQRS in the mornings.
Jack: The Best Dam Show on the radio. Because beavers.
Tanner: Man, I’d watch a show about beaver shock jocks.
Erin: What’s their story?
Jack: Oh god. This is horrifying. Is this another future dystopia show? Their skin is hanging all off their faces! And the pig…
Tanner: I thought the one in front was grabbing the others crotches as first. The perspective is weird.
Jack: The expression on the pig’s face is terrifying.
Tanner: Lol, he’s wearing a wallet chain. That’s pretty ’90s.
Jack: They are a tough street gang from the ’90s who were mutated in a horrible radioactive disaster.
Tanner: This is a show about child juggalos. ICP produced it and made guest appearances. So did popular wrestlers at the time.
Erin: Ok, are you ready for a rapid fire round?
Tanner: Born ready.
Kayla: Who is this and where is he from?
Tanner: Lilo and Stitch. He’s an alien hunter.
Jack: Pineapple Man from Pineapple People.
Tanner: Penis Nose from Toonsters.
Jack: The Naked Cobbler. It’s very dangerous work.
Tanner: Whoa. Hello there.
Jack: Hi cutie! This is when they started way overcorrecting for drawing lips.
Tanner: I think she wears the belt up high cause it’s slimming.
Kayla: Show? Name?
Tanner: She’s a centaur, but instead of being half-horse/half-person, she’s half-horse/half-face.
Jack: Sexy Circus Freaks is the show. Cutey McHorseface is the person.
Tanner: The Bearded Beauty from Sexy Circus Freaks.
Jack: She only wears high heels and a belt.
Jack: Were we right about everything?
Erin: Yes, Jack, you were.
Tanner: I didn’t know any of these shows, but I think I could write a better kids cartoon than any of these.