1. Battleship: The Movie
3. Female Egyptian Protestors Forced To Undergo “Virginity Tests”
Military generals forced women to submit to hymen checks so they could not later claim that the military had assaulted them. Irony was not their strong suit.
4. New Zodiac Sign Confuses Internet
With the addition of Ophiuchus to the zodiac calendar, it took weeks for people to figure out it only affected babies born this year and beyond.
5. Quentin Tarantino Foot Fetish Emails
In an email to friends, Beejoli Shah revealed the intimate details of her one night with the famous director.
6. Glenn Beck Agrees With Norway Shooter
When terrorist Anders Behring Breivik murdered 80 people at the children’s camp on the island of Utoya, Beck agreed with his sentiment that multiculturalism doesn’t work and likened the victims to Hitler’s Youth Camp.
7. Obese Man Sues White Castle Over Small Booths
Martin Kessman took issue with the stationary booths at White Castle.
8. Local News Investigates Pedobear
Albuquerque’s Channel 13 warns parents that Pedobear is luring children to their doom.
9. Johnny Depp Compares Photo Shoots To Rape
‘You just feel like you’re being raped somehow. Raped. The whole thing. It feels like a kind of weird… just weird, man. Whenever you have a photo shoot or something like that, it’s like… you just feel dumb. It’s just so stupid.’ - Vanity Fair
10. Idiots Respond To The Tsunami In Japan
Ignorance is shameful. I guess Hiroshima and Nagasaki weren’t enough?
11. Apple’s Siri Is Pro-Life
According to Apple, a “glitch” in her programming kept Siri from searching for abortion clinics.
12. London Looter Posts Haul On Facebook
I bet he was still surprised when the cops showed up. “But it was a riot!”
13. Rick Perry Forgets Third Bullet Point During Debate
Rick Perry has a momentous flub during the MSNBC debate and forgets his own talking points.
14. Penn State Students Riot Over The Firing Of Joe Paterno
Instead of being outraged that child molestation had been glossed over for years by their football coach, students instead took to the streets to defend Joe Paterno.
15. Idiots Repsond To Bi-Racial Spider-Man
The responses were a surprising look under the surface of comic book racism.
16. Kim Kardashian Vigil
A vigil was held outside the Dash store in New York to mark the tragic dissolution of Kim K’s fairytale marriage.
17. Courtney Stodden’s Breasts
Inexplicably famous Courtney Stodden had an ultrasound on national television to prove she does not have implants.
18. Seasonal Coca-Cola Can Recalled
Consumers were befuddled by the coloration of the can, confusing it with Diet Coke and demanding refunds from stores.
19. Kourtney Kardashian Posts Goatse To Her Twitter
If, like Ms. Kardashian, you do not know what this is in reference to, then you are among the lucky few.
20. Woman Pepper Sprays Black Friday Crowd
The woman sprayed roughly twenty people, including children, to give herself the edge at snagging an Xbox 360. Though she later turned herself in, the damage was done and “competitive shopping” took on a whole new meaning.
21. Sasha Grey Reads To Kids At Elementary School
Oddly, parents were upset to have the porn star reading Dr. Seuss to their kids.
22. iPad Self-Portraits Became A Thing
There is no way to take a photo with an iPad without looking like a tool.
23. Man Mauled To Death By “Pet” Hippo
To the surprise of no one but the late Marius Els.
24. Amanda Knox Dresses As Cat Burglar For Halloween
Although she was acquitted for the murder of Meredith Kercher and the simulated burglary to cover it up, this costume was not thought to be in the greatest taste.
25. Westboro Baptist Church Does What They Do Best
After Steve Jobs passed away, the WBC took to Twitter to announce intentions to picket his funeral. They did this from an iPhone.