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We Asked Americans To React To Canadian Election Things

They were both delighted and confused.

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We sent some key photos and questions about the Canadian federal election to our colleagues in the U.S. and this is what they had to say.

1. This guy was booted from the campaign because of what he's doing in this photo. What do you think he's doing?

CBC Marketplace / Via youtube.com

David: You want me to say fondling himself, right? I can't say I've ever even considered doing such a thing with my upper body pressed against the island in my kitchen. That's just some bizarre shit. What has put me in this position is when I have to reach all the way into the back of the cabinet to grab a pot lid.

Cap: Making love to his dishwasher?

Lara: Jacking off into a trash can???? Maybe there was leftover gravy in there, which I get.

Cait: I believe I heard this dude peed in someone's mug. (Correct!)

Sam: I don't think peeing in a cup is too bizarre. Better than peeing your pants! My brother used to keep giant jars of piss in his bedroom because he was too lazy to use the bathroom. Then again he's not going to run for Prime Minister.

2. This guy got caught in the background of a photo op at a Toronto men's club. What's he thinking?

The Canadian Press

Nora: "This sleeve length makes me feel like a t-rex."

Logan: "I'm not putting on a suit. NO! You can't make me."

Michael: "Brr! It's cold in Canada!"

Molly: "I wish I had worn a longer robe."

Sam: I don't know what a Toronto men's club is. It sounds like an all mens sex club. If this guy is just trying to enjoy his day at an all men's sex club I bet he's thinking "I wish I was having sex with some men right now." Really it's impolite that you won't let him get back to work.

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3. What do you think of the kid in the middle?

Sean Kilpatrick / The Canadian Press

Chris: He was awarded the campfire badge like 3 years before everyone else.

Nora: What the fuck was Wes Anderson thinking when he cast Moonrise Kingdom the way he did?

Michael: A future arts grant recipient, he will be the horn player in Ram Parade, a 7-piece Indie-rock revival group formed in 2023.

Sean: working the uniform

Logan: This kid could win America's Next Top Model if America's Next Top Model was Canada's Next Top Model. Do y'all have that? If so, this kid should enter.

4. How does this make you feel?

Susie: Like a wax figure has come to life.

Nora: Fucking petrified, but also like I want to know his skincare regimen.

Michael: This is a picture of a refurbished animatronic robot purchased in an auction from Disney World after they re-did the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

Lara: Scared. Is this a robot?? Y/N

5. Which of these men has the best hair? Why?

The Canadian Press

Allison: The guy on the left. His hair looks very fluffy and soft.

Cap: The guy on the right looks like he spent a lot on that alpaca wig.

Susie: The guy in the middle. Lush and probably very glossy when the sunlight hits it.

Cait: The gentleman on the right, because it reminds me of a Lego man.

Sam: The man in the center. Lots of life. Look at how much fun he's having! He looks like he's in an aftershave commercial. The man on the right's hair reminds me of lego hair. It looks like you could pop it right off.

The man on the left has pretty normal thinning hair. It's what I'm heading towards, so I hate it.

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6. Who is this man and why is he on trial right now?

Chris Wattie / Reuters

Nora: An Albert Hitchcock impersonator. He went ape on Gus Van Sant for that Psycho remake.

Cap: A disgruntled ex-Tim Horton's employee who burned his local franchise down after too many teenagers giggled when ordering "Tim Bits."

Allison: Is that Rob Ford? If so, he's on trial for being a wackadoo I think. Something with drugs.

Michael: Canada's Koch Brother equivalent, and he's on trial for serving seal meat in his chain of restaurants.

Susie: Maple syrup theft? Sorry, I know, stereotypes.

7. This man's nickname is Angry Tory. Why is he so angry?

Sean Kilpatrick / The Canadian Press

Logan: He's angry because he wanted to be called "Tom" but his parents were like "Nope. You're Tory." He hates that name. Poor Angry Tory.

Chris: This picture was taken in his living room, and he doesn't know how the press got in.

Sarah: Because it's so cold in Canada and no one in government is fixing it.

Sean: burlap suits hurt

Nora: Nobody will believe that it's the concerned looking guy next to him who keeps audibly farting.

8. This candidate says he'll grow the economy "from the heart outwards." What do you think that means?

Michael Bell / The Canadian Press

Molly: I think it's meaningless political bullshit! Nice to see you guys have that in Canada too.

Sarah: He means he lacks a basic understanding of both capitalism and anatomy.

Michael: "The Heart" is an alien orb that grants prescience in all things but requires the iron-rich blood of newborn infants to survive.

Logan: That doesn't mean anything. That's not how the economy works. Money comes from trees, not people, you idiot! Wait. No. Money DOESN'T grow on trees. Nevermind. This man is a genius! Everyone go vote for him!

Sam: He's full of shit and is trying to use your love of very small babies to distract you from the fact that he's not presenting any real policy. Also look at his dreamy jawline and superman hair. Actually you know what whatever the fuck that means I support it.

9. What was Stephen Harper talking about when he made this gesture?

Canuck Politics/YouTube / Via youtube.com

Lara: The little penises of his opponents.

Logan: I believe he was telling a story of when he picked up an ill squirrel and bottle-fed the squirrel back to life. Little-known fact: Stephen Harper fucking loves squirrels.

Allison: Little itty bitty spiders.

Sean: How much of your looneys and tuneys are left after the tax and spend hosers are done with them.

Chris: "If you're not getting any milk it's because you're not gripping it correctly... Like this.."

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10. Would you vote for this guy? (The human, not the alien.)

WyattScott_MMFC / Via youtu.be

Susie: Not in that shirt.

Lara: No, someone tell him that woven necklaces haven't been cool for candidates since literally forever.

Logan: Based on his handshake? Yes. Based on his necklace? No. I have a strict rule to never trust a man in a choker necklace.

Sarah: Not with that necklace. What is he, a 7th grader in 1999?

Melissa: No, men who wear necklaces aren't trustworthy.

11. Any final thoughts about the beautiful world of Canadian politics?

Cap: If it's always this entertaining, I may move to Canada!

Sam: Everyone here looks a thousand times nicer and more approachable than any american politician. Even the ones who are obviously hate filled old people.

Nora: Where is Drake?

Sarah: I... I don't get it.

Melissa: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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