"Okay, now let's do a silly one!" —me after sex
"I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said 'shrimp.'"
Let's 👏 see 👏 them 👏 aliens 👏!
Will your result make Mona Lisa smile?
Only Weather Channel watchers are passing this quiz.
"I don't know who needs to hear this, but you have food at home."
"The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and still isn’t as sensitive as a white man on the internet."
Basically, everything is 100 times more crowded than it looks on Instagram.
"I just wanna be shown off like a hospital bracelet on Snapchat."
"If the control room could turn off the mics..." —Chuck Todd
"The only flags allowed to fly are Pride [flags]."
"Gay culture is using humor at work to try and distract people from the fact you’re always late and don’t actually do anything useful."
*immediately realizes I'm old*
He didn't have a clue who sang "didn't have a dime" — but he did win almost $2.5 million.
"Kudos to Sophie Turner for infiltrating three of America's most valuable franchises. It's been centuries since a Brit owned our ass like this. George III walked so Sophie Turner could run."
These will ruin you for all other restaurants.
"I get my cardio running away from heteronormativity."